My friend is dating someone twice her age
What's worse is that I've started having unkind, even judgmental thoughts when she shares their relationship problems. I feel guilty because I love her and genuinely want what's best for her — but it's hard to separate my protective instincts from my personal bias. I'm struggling to support her while managing my own discomfort and opinions.
How can I be a good friend in this situation, without compromising my values or damaging our bond?
Advertisement
WORRIED
A.
I wonder if it might help to try honesty.
You could say, 'I need to disclose that when I learned of the age difference, I got worried. I didn't know how to handle that. But I trust that you know yourself, and I'm thrilled when you're happy. I just wanted to make that clear because I might ask a few extra questions sometimes. My motives are good, I swear. It's your
happiness
I care about.'
Advertisement
That's a bit of a soupy word mess, but you get my point. It's the tone that matters.
Please don't tell her you want 'what's best for her.' That makes you sound like a parent who knows her predetermined path. What's
best
for her might be dating a guy in his mid-40s until she gets sick of listening to Pearl Jam in the car and decides to be single again.
Related
:
You say she talks about her relationship problems. That's a good time to ask
very open-ended
questions, even about the happy stuff. 'What have you been
enjoying
about the relationship?' 'What has changed since you've started dating?' Try those to kick things off.
Most of the time, just listen. That's what friends do. Hopefully she's asking you about your life, too. If not, that might be part of the problem here.
MEREDITH
Related
:
READERS RESPOND:
Your protective instincts are great — they're just misplaced. Not only is it not possible for you to protect her, it's not your responsibility. She's an adult and will make her own decisions. Concentrate your efforts on protecting your friendship and respecting each other's boundaries.
EACB
A thing that really bugs me about the 'discourse' these days is treating full grown women like children when it comes to dating someone older or with more money or whatever. They are two adults. Mind your own business.
STRIPEY-CAT
If your friend is happy, leave her be and support her. Try to leave the age difference out of the equation if she comes to you with problems and just listen. Only she knows what is best for her at this point in her life.
Advertisement
PENSEUSE
So, my ex is dating someone half his age. While I will admit that there is a cliche, ick element to his girlfriend being the same age as our child, it's none of my business. I don't think your reaction is totally abnormal — note the
TOMATO21
Send your own relationship and dating questions to
or
Catch new episodes of
wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from
.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Boston Globe
6 days ago
- Boston Globe
‘I have thousands of likes, but I do not like them'
I'm close to 50. I was married half my life and now it's been almost six years since I've heard 'I love you.' It's so easy to find men these days — it's so easy to find women these days — but where are the right people? I consider myself beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and very fit. I have a wonderful job. But the question is: What do I do as a single person to find love? Advertisement I have asked this question for many years, and many people answer that the best love that you have is love for yourself. I agree — because I find myself calm, at peace — but I want more than that. I have gotten into all the apps. I have thousands of likes, but I do not like them, nor do I believe that I can find love through this medium, in which people can look at me — and 200 others. It's not only me, but all my friends who are beautiful and successful and can't find love. A ROMANTIC WOMAN A. Find a new way to understand the apps. If you rule them out, you're ruining your odds, a bit. Advertisement I know apps might feel cold and unromantic — all of the faces passing by, all of the swiping. But isn't the process just a virtual version of walking down the street and noticing who stops you in your tracks? When you're at a party, you might see 50 people, decide you think one of them is cute, and talk to them. Isn't an app the same thing? Sure, the other person on the app might have swiped right on 25 people in a row, but that's life. You can't decide how you feel about someone until you get past that first contact, into conversation. That's when it gets interesting. That's when the romance takes over (or doesn't). It seems you want some magic soul mate to fall into your lap in a way that feels serendipitous. But that's not how it works. If quantity is your issue, sign up for an app that only offers a few choices a day. I think that's the philosophy of Coffee Meets Bagel — that it's better to have a small list of options because it gives you more time to consider the people you see. Also try widening the geography of your dating searches. Sometimes the right person is 15 miles outside of your current boundaries, but very much worth a drive. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: I think this woman is struggling because she can't get personality from a picture or chemistry from a profile. I have had boyfriends that I had no interest in at all when I first met them. It's the personality that draws you in and you need to be around a person to discover that. Sometimes it takes longer than two dates. Advertisement SAYSWHO You may not have meant this, but your letter gives the impression that you think you're better than the people you see on the apps. Making yourself vulnerable is hard because you can be hurt, but there's no workaround that doesn't involve remaining single. TERMINATER5 Dear Meredith, I am trying to build a bookcase. I have all the wood and nails, but I just can't find the right tool to put it all together. Everyone tells me I need to use a hammer, but I don't believe that will work for me. What else can I try? WIZEN The apps suck until they don't; I was about to swear them off and then found the man who ended up being my husband. It's a way to sift through guys in your area and you hope you can make a connection with one that can go into the real world. Go into the apps with a different attitude about it then you have now, and, yes, there probably will be a lot of duds, but someone may surprise you. Otherwise, whatever activities you like to do, look for people there, because you already may have something in common with them to start, because I assume for you the 'right' people may have similar interests to you. THEGOODPLACE20 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from . Advertisement
Boston Globe
12-06-2025
- Boston Globe
My friend is dating someone twice her age
What's worse is that I've started having unkind, even judgmental thoughts when she shares their relationship problems. I feel guilty because I love her and genuinely want what's best for her — but it's hard to separate my protective instincts from my personal bias. I'm struggling to support her while managing my own discomfort and opinions. How can I be a good friend in this situation, without compromising my values or damaging our bond? Advertisement WORRIED A. I wonder if it might help to try honesty. You could say, 'I need to disclose that when I learned of the age difference, I got worried. I didn't know how to handle that. But I trust that you know yourself, and I'm thrilled when you're happy. I just wanted to make that clear because I might ask a few extra questions sometimes. My motives are good, I swear. It's your happiness I care about.' Advertisement That's a bit of a soupy word mess, but you get my point. It's the tone that matters. Please don't tell her you want 'what's best for her.' That makes you sound like a parent who knows her predetermined path. What's best for her might be dating a guy in his mid-40s until she gets sick of listening to Pearl Jam in the car and decides to be single again. Related : You say she talks about her relationship problems. That's a good time to ask very open-ended questions, even about the happy stuff. 'What have you been enjoying about the relationship?' 'What has changed since you've started dating?' Try those to kick things off. Most of the time, just listen. That's what friends do. Hopefully she's asking you about your life, too. If not, that might be part of the problem here. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Your protective instincts are great — they're just misplaced. Not only is it not possible for you to protect her, it's not your responsibility. She's an adult and will make her own decisions. Concentrate your efforts on protecting your friendship and respecting each other's boundaries. EACB A thing that really bugs me about the 'discourse' these days is treating full grown women like children when it comes to dating someone older or with more money or whatever. They are two adults. Mind your own business. STRIPEY-CAT If your friend is happy, leave her be and support her. Try to leave the age difference out of the equation if she comes to you with problems and just listen. Only she knows what is best for her at this point in her life. Advertisement PENSEUSE So, my ex is dating someone half his age. While I will admit that there is a cliche, ick element to his girlfriend being the same age as our child, it's none of my business. I don't think your reaction is totally abnormal — note the TOMATO21 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Washington Post
12-06-2025
- Washington Post
Ask Sahaj: I'm worried my son's girlfriend is isolating him from his loved ones
Dear Sahaj: We have a 33-year-old son who appears to have a codependent relationship with his White American girlfriend. Since they have moved in together, he has reduced his communication with friends, moved to another state in pursuit of adventures and reduced the quality of his connection with us. Visits to our home have been designed around her interests only, and he visits us only with her. She shows little or no interest in anything family-oriented except when we take them out for dinner or an event where we pay for the tickets. She has stopped showing interest in our Desi culture. She wouldn't even take her Christmas gift (she left it under the tree). She insists on bringing her cat along and is not willing to rehome the cat when my husband, who is under a cancer treatment, developed life-threatening allergies. With my son's help, she has retrained as a data analyst and is now well-employed, which we thought was good for their relationship. We have diplomatically drawn boundaries, but her lack of interest in being part of our family and behaving like a difficult guest (without saying anything as my son speaks for her) is concerning. This last visit, she left without saying goodbye, and we found that quite ungracious. She also left the room and bathroom a mess with her cat's litter; it smelled awful. We offered to pay to board the cat during their visit, but my son said the cat could get depressed. We are a welcoming and generous — to a fault maybe — Desi family who enjoy our children hanging out with us. We are concerned about the social and physical isolation our son's life has become. He is unable to speak up for himself or address the issues. — Welcoming to a Fault Welcoming to a Fault: You have to separate your son's choices from his girlfriend's influence. He chose to move, to help her retrain and to go on adventures with her. He may not be 'unable' to speak up (especially since you say he speaks for his girlfriend); he may just be prioritizing his relationship. That can be painful for you as a parent, especially in a family where interdependence and close-knit ties are the norm. But adulthood sometimes looks like distance — not because love has disappeared, but because the terms of the relationship have changed. Tell your son, directly and privately, you are worried about losing him without making the conversation about his girlfriend being the problem. Instead, focus on him and point out specific behaviors you have observed rather than your feelings to help him feel less defensive. This means naming his distancing with something like, 'We love you and miss how things used to be. We know things change, but we feel disconnected from you.' If you're concerned he's uprooting from values you've taught him, you may even ask him: 'Do you feel like connecting to your Desi culture — through food or tradition — is still important to you?' This can help you understand why he may not be holding on to these values, and it could clue you into why his girlfriend is uninterested in your culture. She may just be following your son's lead. If your son does feel torn or dominated, he may not even realize how codependent the relationship has become. But pressuring him will likely push him further away so instead use open-ended questions: 'Are you okay? Are you happy? Have you been able to see or talk to [best friend's name] recently? Do you feel you're able to talk about your needs in your relationship?' If you gently hold up a mirror, he may be able to see what he's accepted as 'normal.' Checking in on your son gently will be key, because your emotions about feeling disconnected could be leading you to believe he's being isolated. You describe your son's life choices with more judgment than perhaps you realize — and that judgment might be part of what's straining the connection. Shift the lens from your son's girlfriend to considering your role in the dynamic that exists — the only part you can control and change. Ask yourself: What is it she and your son may be reacting to? What have you modeled, and how have you welcomed her — truly, not just logistically? Consider how you can build a bridge with his girlfriend. This may sound like, 'We want to continue to build a relationship with [girlfriend's name] but don't feel like our attempts have been working. Do you have any advice on what we can do or why this is so?' Regardless of how you approach this conversation, try to be mindful of offering love and curiosity, not criticism or blame. You may be a generous and welcoming Desi family, but generosity is more than providing dinners, tickets and hospitality. It's also emotional openness and curiosity about someone else's world. Even if your expectations are well-meaning, they may feel conditional or uncomfortable to someone else. You want to separate what is actually harmful and worrisome about this situation from what is simply different and unexpected. Still, being more emotionally open to your son's relationship doesn't mean you can't set some boundaries. I know firsthand that boundary setting may feel countercultural in Desi culture, but you have reached your limit with how you, your husband and your home are being treated. It's okay to tell your son and his girlfriend, 'We'd love to see you both again, but we can't host the cat here anymore. It's a serious health risk. We hope you understand.' Clear boundaries don't mean you are rejecting them — especially where health is involved. You're grieving a relationship that is changing, and that's okay. While you can't control your son's choices, you can keep your doors open and continue to show your love and support.
