‘I have thousands of likes, but I do not like them'
I'm close to 50. I was married half my life and now it's been almost six years since I've heard 'I love you.'
It's so easy to find men these days — it's so easy to find
women
these days — but where are the right people?
I consider myself beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and very fit. I have a wonderful job. But the question is: What do I do as a single person to find love?
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I have asked this question for many years, and many people answer that the best love that you have is love for yourself. I agree — because I find myself calm, at peace — but I want more than that.
I have gotten into all the apps. I have thousands of likes, but I do not like them, nor do I believe that I can find love through this medium, in which people can look at me — and 200 others. It's not only me, but all my friends who are beautiful and successful and can't find love.
A ROMANTIC WOMAN
A.
Find a new way to understand the apps. If you rule them out, you're ruining your odds, a bit.
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I know apps might feel cold and unromantic — all of the faces passing by, all of the swiping. But isn't the process just a virtual version of walking down the street and noticing who stops you in your tracks?
When you're at a party, you might see 50 people, decide you think one of them is cute, and talk to them. Isn't an app the same thing?
Sure, the other person on the app might have swiped right on 25 people in a row, but that's life. You can't decide how you feel about someone until you get past that first contact, into conversation. That's when it gets interesting. That's when the romance takes over (or doesn't).
It seems you want some magic soul mate to fall into your lap in a way that feels serendipitous. But that's not how it works.
If quantity is your issue, sign up for an app that only offers a few choices a day. I think that's the philosophy of Coffee Meets Bagel — that it's better to have a small list of options because it gives you more time to consider the people you see.
Also try widening the geography of your dating searches. Sometimes the right person is 15 miles outside of your current boundaries, but very much worth a drive.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
I think this woman is struggling because she can't get personality from a picture or chemistry from a profile. I have had boyfriends that I had no interest in at all when I first met them. It's the personality that draws you in and you need to be around a person to discover that. Sometimes it takes longer than two dates.
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SAYSWHO
You may not have meant this, but your letter gives the impression that you think you're better than the people you see on the apps. Making yourself vulnerable is hard because you can be hurt, but there's no workaround that doesn't involve remaining single.
TERMINATER5
Dear Meredith, I am trying to build a bookcase. I have all the wood and nails, but I just can't find the right tool to put it all together. Everyone tells me I need to use a hammer, but I don't believe that will work for me. What else can I try?
WIZEN
The apps suck until they don't; I was about to swear them off and then found the man who ended up being my husband. It's a way to sift through guys in your area and you hope you can make a connection with one that can go into the real world. Go into the apps with a different attitude about it then you have now, and, yes, there probably will be a lot of duds, but someone may surprise you. Otherwise, whatever activities you like to do, look for people there, because you already may have something in common with them to start, because I assume for you the 'right' people may have similar interests to you.
THEGOODPLACE20
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