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Boston Globe

My friend is dating someone twice her age

What's worse is that I've started having unkind, even judgmental thoughts when she shares their relationship problems. I feel guilty because I love her and genuinely want what's best for her — but it's hard to separate my protective instincts from my personal bias. I'm struggling to support her while managing my own discomfort and opinions. How can I be a good friend in this situation, without compromising my values or damaging our bond? Advertisement WORRIED A. I wonder if it might help to try honesty. You could say, 'I need to disclose that when I learned of the age difference, I got worried. I didn't know how to handle that. But I trust that you know yourself, and I'm thrilled when you're happy. I just wanted to make that clear because I might ask a few extra questions sometimes. My motives are good, I swear. It's your happiness I care about.' Advertisement That's a bit of a soupy word mess, but you get my point. It's the tone that matters. Please don't tell her you want 'what's best for her.' That makes you sound like a parent who knows her predetermined path. What's best for her might be dating a guy in his mid-40s until she gets sick of listening to Pearl Jam in the car and decides to be single again. Related : You say she talks about her relationship problems. That's a good time to ask very open-ended questions, even about the happy stuff. 'What have you been enjoying about the relationship?' 'What has changed since you've started dating?' Try those to kick things off. Most of the time, just listen. That's what friends do. Hopefully she's asking you about your life, too. If not, that might be part of the problem here. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Your protective instincts are great — they're just misplaced. Not only is it not possible for you to protect her, it's not your responsibility. She's an adult and will make her own decisions. Concentrate your efforts on protecting your friendship and respecting each other's boundaries. EACB A thing that really bugs me about the 'discourse' these days is treating full grown women like children when it comes to dating someone older or with more money or whatever. They are two adults. Mind your own business. STRIPEY-CAT If your friend is happy, leave her be and support her. Try to leave the age difference out of the equation if she comes to you with problems and just listen. Only she knows what is best for her at this point in her life. Advertisement PENSEUSE So, my ex is dating someone half his age. While I will admit that there is a cliche, ick element to his girlfriend being the same age as our child, it's none of my business. I don't think your reaction is totally abnormal — note the TOMATO21 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .