Ask Sahaj: I'm worried my son's girlfriend is isolating him from his loved ones
Dear Sahaj: We have a 33-year-old son who appears to have a codependent relationship with his White American girlfriend. Since they have moved in together, he has reduced his communication with friends, moved to another state in pursuit of adventures and reduced the quality of his connection with us.
Visits to our home have been designed around her interests only, and he visits us only with her. She shows little or no interest in anything family-oriented except when we take them out for dinner or an event where we pay for the tickets. She has stopped showing interest in our Desi culture. She wouldn't even take her Christmas gift (she left it under the tree). She insists on bringing her cat along and is not willing to rehome the cat when my husband, who is under a cancer treatment, developed life-threatening allergies.
With my son's help, she has retrained as a data analyst and is now well-employed, which we thought was good for their relationship.
We have diplomatically drawn boundaries, but her lack of interest in being part of our family and behaving like a difficult guest (without saying anything as my son speaks for her) is concerning. This last visit, she left without saying goodbye, and we found that quite ungracious. She also left the room and bathroom a mess with her cat's litter; it smelled awful. We offered to pay to board the cat during their visit, but my son said the cat could get depressed.
We are a welcoming and generous — to a fault maybe — Desi family who enjoy our children hanging out with us. We are concerned about the social and physical isolation our son's life has become. He is unable to speak up for himself or address the issues.
— Welcoming to a Fault
Welcoming to a Fault: You have to separate your son's choices from his girlfriend's influence. He chose to move, to help her retrain and to go on adventures with her. He may not be 'unable' to speak up (especially since you say he speaks for his girlfriend); he may just be prioritizing his relationship. That can be painful for you as a parent, especially in a family where interdependence and close-knit ties are the norm. But adulthood sometimes looks like distance — not because love has disappeared, but because the terms of the relationship have changed.
Tell your son, directly and privately, you are worried about losing him without making the conversation about his girlfriend being the problem. Instead, focus on him and point out specific behaviors you have observed rather than your feelings to help him feel less defensive. This means naming his distancing with something like, 'We love you and miss how things used to be. We know things change, but we feel disconnected from you.' If you're concerned he's uprooting from values you've taught him, you may even ask him: 'Do you feel like connecting to your Desi culture — through food or tradition — is still important to you?' This can help you understand why he may not be holding on to these values, and it could clue you into why his girlfriend is uninterested in your culture. She may just be following your son's lead.
If your son does feel torn or dominated, he may not even realize how codependent the relationship has become. But pressuring him will likely push him further away so instead use open-ended questions: 'Are you okay? Are you happy? Have you been able to see or talk to [best friend's name] recently? Do you feel you're able to talk about your needs in your relationship?' If you gently hold up a mirror, he may be able to see what he's accepted as 'normal.'
Checking in on your son gently will be key, because your emotions about feeling disconnected could be leading you to believe he's being isolated. You describe your son's life choices with more judgment than perhaps you realize — and that judgment might be part of what's straining the connection. Shift the lens from your son's girlfriend to considering your role in the dynamic that exists — the only part you can control and change. Ask yourself: What is it she and your son may be reacting to? What have you modeled, and how have you welcomed her — truly, not just logistically?
Consider how you can build a bridge with his girlfriend. This may sound like, 'We want to continue to build a relationship with [girlfriend's name] but don't feel like our attempts have been working. Do you have any advice on what we can do or why this is so?' Regardless of how you approach this conversation, try to be mindful of offering love and curiosity, not criticism or blame.
You may be a generous and welcoming Desi family, but generosity is more than providing dinners, tickets and hospitality. It's also emotional openness and curiosity about someone else's world. Even if your expectations are well-meaning, they may feel conditional or uncomfortable to someone else. You want to separate what is actually harmful and worrisome about this situation from what is simply different and unexpected.
Still, being more emotionally open to your son's relationship doesn't mean you can't set some boundaries. I know firsthand that boundary setting may feel countercultural in Desi culture, but you have reached your limit with how you, your husband and your home are being treated. It's okay to tell your son and his girlfriend, 'We'd love to see you both again, but we can't host the cat here anymore. It's a serious health risk. We hope you understand.' Clear boundaries don't mean you are rejecting them — especially where health is involved.
You're grieving a relationship that is changing, and that's okay. While you can't control your son's choices, you can keep your doors open and continue to show your love and support.
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