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Boston Globe
12-06-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
My friend is dating someone twice her age
What's worse is that I've started having unkind, even judgmental thoughts when she shares their relationship problems. I feel guilty because I love her and genuinely want what's best for her — but it's hard to separate my protective instincts from my personal bias. I'm struggling to support her while managing my own discomfort and opinions. How can I be a good friend in this situation, without compromising my values or damaging our bond? Advertisement WORRIED A. I wonder if it might help to try honesty. You could say, 'I need to disclose that when I learned of the age difference, I got worried. I didn't know how to handle that. But I trust that you know yourself, and I'm thrilled when you're happy. I just wanted to make that clear because I might ask a few extra questions sometimes. My motives are good, I swear. It's your happiness I care about.' Advertisement That's a bit of a soupy word mess, but you get my point. It's the tone that matters. Please don't tell her you want 'what's best for her.' That makes you sound like a parent who knows her predetermined path. What's best for her might be dating a guy in his mid-40s until she gets sick of listening to Pearl Jam in the car and decides to be single again. Related : You say she talks about her relationship problems. That's a good time to ask very open-ended questions, even about the happy stuff. 'What have you been enjoying about the relationship?' 'What has changed since you've started dating?' Try those to kick things off. Most of the time, just listen. That's what friends do. Hopefully she's asking you about your life, too. If not, that might be part of the problem here. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Your protective instincts are great — they're just misplaced. Not only is it not possible for you to protect her, it's not your responsibility. She's an adult and will make her own decisions. Concentrate your efforts on protecting your friendship and respecting each other's boundaries. EACB A thing that really bugs me about the 'discourse' these days is treating full grown women like children when it comes to dating someone older or with more money or whatever. They are two adults. Mind your own business. STRIPEY-CAT If your friend is happy, leave her be and support her. Try to leave the age difference out of the equation if she comes to you with problems and just listen. Only she knows what is best for her at this point in her life. Advertisement PENSEUSE So, my ex is dating someone half his age. While I will admit that there is a cliche, ick element to his girlfriend being the same age as our child, it's none of my business. I don't think your reaction is totally abnormal — note the TOMATO21 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
02-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
He said ‘I love you' … once
After another couple of months, I mentioned that he had said it that one time but never again. I asked him if his feelings changed. His response was that he had no recollection of even saying it. The conversation that followed made it evident that he saw saying 'I love you' meant commitment to him. He was simply not at a place in his life where he was able to commit. 'If' he said it, it was because he was 'in the moment.' I'm quoting him. I may not ever be able to utter the words again. And how do I trust that someone is being genuine if it is ever said to me again? Advertisement IN THE MOMENT A. After months of dating, were you really in love with this man? Was it an I-can-see-this-person's-soul kind of love? Or more of a this-seems-pretty-exciting-let's-keep-dating love? Advertisement You say you were 'very much in love,' but it was so new. Maybe it was more about hope and excitement. I say this whenever we get an 'I love you' letter: Please define what you mean when you say it, especially to yourself. It felt amazing to hear the words from this man, and thrilling to say them back. You wanted to take every opportunity to share! That might reveal more about your previous relationship than this recent one. Related : You ask how to trust someone who says it in the future. Really, it's about consistency and thoughtfulness. If they say it once and never again, that tells you plenty. If they say it while you're driving to the grocery store, as opposed to in the heat of passion, that might show you even more. If they say it when the relationship is still new, please know that things could change. 'I like hanging out with you' might be a better and more honest place to start. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: This has nothing to do with anyone saying 'I love you.' It's all about you. The real issue is why you stayed in a marriage with a husband who was in love with someone else … for decades. EACB I think you will know if it's genuine when: 1) it's not just blurted out during a moment of passion; and … 2) ACTION, not just words. It supports that they genuinely care and appreciate you. Take things slow and allow trust and love to develop over time. BKLYNMOM You're being gaslighted. Big time. As you probably were in your decades-long marriage. See a therapist; people who lack confidence are drawn to people who gaslight. Stand up for yourself and toss the loser aside. Advertisement BIGSIGH My husband and I rarely say 'I love you,' but how he behaves is what tells me that he does, and I think that's often more meaningful. Lots of little selfless acts that show me he's caring. RCDER Related : I've always heard that saying 'I love you' is cultural ― New England men in particular find it hard to say, but men of Italian descent find it easy. So, my advice is to find someone whose feelings about the 'I love you' thing are compatible with yours. Use this as a test for whom to get involved with. That should make your dating life ― any any future married life ― much easier. OUTOFORDER As for future relationships, I'd perhaps try to find someone closer aligned to your propensity to commit early. Let's say you're using a dating app, maybe be upfront about your passion for a relationship, something along the lines of 'when I find someone who I'm physically and emotionally compatible with, I let them know how important they are to me. If you're not one to validate those same feelings, please consider looking elsewhere, as I'm after a long-term, loving relationship.' Maybe being upfront will match you with an ideal partner. Good luck. SOXSUPPORTER This isn't the guy for you. But in future relationships, you can make your desires known when getting to know someone. For example, on one of your first dates, you ask them, 'What are your relationship goals?' And then you can tell them yours ('I am looking for a committed guy who loves verbal affection and romance as much as I do'). Sure, some guys will balk and reject you because they are not looking for a commitment in general, or just don't see themselves falling in love with you. Don't even take it personally. Just keep dating and being honest, and you can find a guy that mutually clicks with you. Classic advice, but … don't even bother to worry about 'I love yous' until you are already an obvious, well-established couple and it officially means something when you say it to each other. Advertisement LITTLEPENGUIN456 Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
