I Refuse to Do Free Work for My Family. They're All Having a Meltdown.
Good Job is Slate's advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. It's anonymous!
Dear Good Job,
I am 19 and going to community college while working at a daycare. The pay is terrible but it works with my schedule, and I love kids. But I am tired of my three older siblings trying to pawn off theirs every time I come home to visit. I want to relax and spend time with our parents—not changing diapers because my sister married a Neanderthal, or my brother would rather watch the game than pay attention to his toddler. It is so obviously fake and manipulative when the minute I walk in the door, they're telling me that the kids missed their Auntie and a baby with a poopy diaper is thrown in my hands.
I tried to be polite and tell them I just want to have some adult company. I get ignored.If I hand the kid back or leave the room, I get guilt trips because 'parents need a break too,' and I act like I 'hate' my nieces and nephews. Obviously, as the youngest female of the family, I am the default child tender and am expected to accept my womanly duty. That isn't happening.
Everyone is always over at our parents so I have to deal with the same problem again and again. I finally snapped when my brother told his whining kid to play with me because he was busy playing a video game. I held out my hand and told my brother it would be $20. He acted confused, and I told him I get paid to deal with other people's kids, and if he wants the same, he needs to pay up. This caused a huge fight where I was called overdramatic and mean for even thinking of charging money from family. I ended up skipping the Memorial Day weekend to hang out with friends, and have gotten nothing but grief from my parents. They want to see me and miss me, but not enough to stand up for me. What do I do here?
—Not a Daycare
Dear Not a Daycare,
Families know how to push your buttons because they're the ones who put them there. I'm sorry your siblings keep treating you like a kid sister they can boss around. And it's maddening to see family members try to enforce traditional gender roles, especially when children are watching and learning.
New parents are exhausted and stressed (why is my child crying? Why?) and not in the best headspace to accept new family dynamics. But you're right to insist on them. It will take a lot of persistence, since your siblings are highly motivated to keep manipulating you, but stick to your clear and fair messages: You're there to enjoy some adult time. You love to see and play with your niblings, but you care for children professionally. If your siblings would like you to babysit by changing diapers, feeding the kids, bathing them, etc., your hourly rate is $50. Your siblings may continue to throw tantrums, but as you know from dealing with children, the best thing to do is stay calm while they scream it out.
Not to excuse your siblings, especially the Neanderthal brother-in-law, but they might be feeling the weight of family expectations themselves. They may be feeling judged about their own parenting skills (rightly so, in your brother-in-law's case) and frustrated by their inability to keep up with diapers and toddler tantrums. Some people regress to their brattier younger selves when they spend time with their family of origin.
It sounds like your siblings learned how to give guilt trips from your parents. If you haven't yet, explain to your parents that you hope they and your siblings will respect you as an adult who is working hard at her job and education. Ask them to stick up for you. They might be too stuck in your existing family dynamic to see your perspective, but they clearly hold a lot of influence over your siblings and might be willing to use their power for good. (If nothing else, maybe they can use their guilt trip skills to get Neanderthal off the couch.) Whatever comes from this conversation, please don't feel obliged to follow your siblings' pattern of spending every holiday (even Memorial Day!) at the family home. Go out, enjoy some friends or some solitude. Your parents need to learn that you are no longer the youngest kid everybody can push around, and you will visit when you want to.
Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!
Dear Good Job,
A co-worker brings sardines, anchovies, herring, or some other god-awful-smelling fish in his lunch EVERY DAY. Even worse, he tosses the empty cans in the garbage in the break room without having the decency to at least seal them in a Ziploc bag, resulting in one of us needing to rush the garbage to the dumpster outside. We've tried hinting that it might be nice for him to try to broaden his horizons with something other than fish, but he claims it's 'good for the brain' and keeps on bringing it in. It's gotten so bad that we are now eating our lunches in our cars or going out to restaurants. Is it time to speak to human resources? Is this even something HR could do anything about?
—The Other People Here Have Functioning Noses
Dear Functioning Nose,
One of the worst things about in-person jobs is having to share co-workers' air. It's hard to concentrate when you're within breathing distance of their respiratory infections, flatulence, and smelly fish. It sounds like there isn't good air circulation in the break room, and that's the first place to start. Ask human resources (or your manager, or the building engineer) to upgrade your HVAC system and/or add an air purifier that will reduce not just smells but also airborne germs, particulates from wildfire smoke, and other pollution. If the room has a window that is sealed shut, ask to have it modified to open. If your company balks at the cost, tell them any air-purification improvements will pay for themselves by reducing sick days and distractions.
Human resources should be able to set some guidelines for break-room etiquette that include instructions for properly disposing of smelly containers. But perhaps Mr. Good Brain will listen to reason. You say you and your colleagues have hinted that he should diversify his diet. Hinting didn't work—it often doesn't—so tell him directly that his lunch is causing discomfort for some of his colleagues. Explain this briskly and factually, without judgment or a wrinkled nose, and say that you'd like to find a solution. Could you schedule lunch breaks so that those of you who are sensitive to the smell eat a bit earlier, while he waits to open his lunchbox until a bit later? And ask him to throw his lunch trash away outside, rather than in the break room. The research on fish oil improving brain function isn't super strong, but if he wants to do something that's really good for his brain, he should strengthen his social relationships with his co-workers.
Slate Plus members get more Good Job every week. Sign up now to read Laura Helmuth's additional column this week.
Dear Good Job,
I recently found out from a co-worker friend that another one of our co-workers, 'Jane,' homeschools her children specifically to keep them away from 'gay people.' As a queer and trans person, I am disgusted. I don't know how to interact with Jane now. I've basically been completely ignoring her.
We don't work together often (we are both part-time and don't necessarily come in on the same days), but we are nurses at a hospital, so there is a lot of collaboration with everyone else working when I am there. She is perfectly nice to me at work (she doesn't know I'm queer or trans, though she does know I use 'they/them' pronouns for my toddler) but it makes me feel gross to interact with her. I recently started wearing my pronouns (they/them) on my name badge, but she hasn't noticed yet. I want to aggressively correct her next time she uses the wrong pronouns for me, even though I ignore it when the rest of my co-workers use the wrong pronouns. I don't want a hostile work environment, but I am a conflictual person by nature, so part of me wants to make it a conflict. Help!
—Nurse Gay
Dear Nurse Gay,
Jane, goddam. Preventing kids from learning about queer people (or evolution, the age of the Earth, climate change, racism, other cultures, true history, and all the other fundamentalist homeschooling no-no's) is cruel and neglectful. That's a subject for another column, and her kids aren't your problem at all, but I just want to start by saying that Jane is contributing to generational ignorance.
It's tempting to start a conflict with Jane, but of course, there are lots of reasons not to. You don't want to give anyone on staff an excuse to feel sorry for Jane, and you'd run the risk that other people would think you're a troublemaker. Do correct her if she continues to mis-pronoun you, but do so in a tone you would use to correct any error. Could you ask the person who told you about Jane's homeschooling to speak with her? They could share that you're queer and trans, assuming other people at work know and you want them to know. If nothing else, co-workers could reinforce that Jane needs to use correct pronouns. It might be less fraught for Jane to hear from a third party that her assumptions about you are wrong. It's not your job to educate Jane, but your presence could be educational. A lot of people rethink some of their own bigotry, especially bigotry that was handed down to them through brainwash-schooling and a bigoted family of origin, when they get to know people they were taught to despise.
—Laura
My husband has been working on a startup since last December. It's in an industry that has taken a huge downturn since right after he started. They have not secured any funding. They can't afford to complete the next very important step because they are out of money. He has had two business partners in this, one being his very close friend. This friend is the main partner and just accepted a full-time job and is giving up on the startup…
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
USA Today
a day ago
- USA Today
Today is Juneteenth: Is there mail? Are banks closed? What to know about federal holiday
Today is Juneteenth: Is there mail? Are banks closed? What to know about federal holiday Show Caption Hide Caption New Yorkers honor lost African American holiday older than Juneteenth An African American holiday older than Juneteenth was almost lost. These New Yorkers are bringing back Pinkster, which was outlawed in the 1800s. Juneteenth will be marked on Thursday, June 19, 2025. Juneteenth commemorates the day — June 19, 1865 — when federal soldiers arrived in Galveston to take control of Texas and ensure the slaves were freed per the Emancipation Proclamation. It's known as America's Second Independence Day, and it's celebrated today, June 19. Juneteenth celebrates the end of slavery in the United States. It's the longest-running African American holiday, and it became a federal holiday a few years ago. Juneteenth celebrations across the High Desert will include food, music, dancing, art and other activities. Here's what to know about the holiday. Is Juneteenth a federal holiday in 2025? Yes, Juneteenth is a federal holiday in 2025, according to the U.S. Office of Personnel Management. It is one of 11 federal holidays observed every year. The others are: New Year's Day Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday Washington's Birthday/Presidents Day Memorial Day July 4 Labor Day Columbus Day Veterans Day Thanksgiving Christmas Day When is Juneteenth observed in 2025? Juneteenth will be marked on Thursday, June 19, 2025. Unlike other federal holidays, such as Memorial Day, Labor Day and Thanksgiving, which are observed on a specific day of the week, Juneteenth is celebrated on the actual day. What does Juneteenth celebrate? Juneteenth commemorates the day — June 19, 1865 — when federal soldiers arrived in Galveston to take control of Texas and ensure the slaves were freed per the Emancipation Proclamation, according to the History Channel. Juneteenth — short for June nineteenth — marks the end of slavery in the United States and is considered the longest-running African American holiday. Why is it called Juneteenth? Juneteenth is a portmanteau of June 19, the day Union troops arrived in Galveston. It became known as "Juneteenth" by the newly freed slaves of Texas, according to the National Museum of African American History & Culture at the Smithsonian. When did Abraham Lincoln issue the Emancipation Proclamation? President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation on Jan. 1, 1863. But its effect was limited, according to the National Archives. It only applied to states that seceded during the Civil War, leaving slavery intact for slave states that stayed with the Union. It also could not be enforced until Confederate states were under Union control, according to the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Therefore, it took until June 19, 1865, for slaves in Texas to be freed. Slavery in America was formally abolished with the 13th Amendment, which was ratified Dec. 6, 1865. When did Juneteenth become a federal holiday? Juneteenth became a federal holiday in 2021. President Joe Biden signed legislation on June 17, 2021, according to USA TODAY, after Congress passed The Juneteenth National Independence Day Act that same month. Juneteenth began rising to prominence in 2020 after the murder of George Floyd, a Black man, sparked protests across the country against police brutality, USA TODAY reports. Sen. Ed Markey, D-Mass., first introduced the Juneteenth bill in 2020 following the killings of Floyd and Breonna Taylor of Louisville, Kentucky. His initial attempt to pass the bill was unsuccessful. Is there mail delivery on Juneteenth? Is the post office open? Does FedEx deliver? No. As a federal holiday, the U.S. Postal Service is closed that day, and there will be no mail delivered. FedEx pickup and delivery services will be available on June 19, according to the company's website. FedEx Office locations will also be open, USA TODAY reports. Are banks open on Juneteenth? Juneteenth is a Federal Reserve bank holiday, meaning the organization that regulates the nation's banking system is closed, according to Banks aren't required to close for Federal Reserve holidays, but they often do. Transactions made during these holidays won't be posted until the next business day. Branches of Capital One, Bank of America, PNC, Truist, CitiBank and JPMorgan Chase will be closed on Juneteenth, USA TODAY is reporting. Capital One Cafes will remain open. Is the stock market open or closed on Juneteenth? The New York Stock Exchange is closed on federal holidays and will be closed on Juneteenth, according to its website. Is trash pickup delayed for Juneteenth? Trash pickup may be delayed because of Juneteenth, depending on the hauler. Contact your municipality or private provider to learn more.
Yahoo
a day ago
- Yahoo
Woman Worries Her 40-Year-Old 'Big Mama's Boy' Husband Will Never Be Independent
A woman worries her husband, who's a "big mamma's boy," will never be independent In a post on Reddit, she writes that his mom weighs in on everything from his 401k to "what soap cleaner is best" "A few months ago I told him his mother is a dealbreaker, but I'm not confident he will ever truly be independent," she writesA woman says her 40-year-old husband is so reliant on his mom that she's worried he'll never be truly independent. The woman shares her dilemma in a Reddit post, writing, "My (35F) husband (40M) is a big mamma's boy. He hid this for the six years we were long distance." "He needs her opinion in every small and big thing and texts and calls daily (401k for new job, will boxes fit in the car for a move, what soap cleaner is best)," she writes. "The thing is, in the beginning he wasn't like this when we dated in person. He had career troubles and court stuff (due to her) so she stepped in and took over; she has access to all his finances, emails, etc since then (unbeknownst to me)." Now, the couple has been married for a couple of years, and his mom's "overreach" is killing the romance. "He has slowly been trying to untangle himself but things came to a head when we moved recently. I rearranged a busy work schedule to move half our stuff on Memorial Day weekend," she writes. "He was agreeable at first, but then closer to the date I suspect he spoke to her and she shut it down bc he refused to do so." Come moving day, the woman enlisted her own parents to help, and her husband got into a fight due to his car being too full of the couple's belongings. "A few months ago I told him his mother is a dealbreaker, but I'm not confident he will ever truly be independent," she writes. "Another thing is he lacks initiative in housework and has to be assigned tasks. My family thinks I deserve better." Now, she's debating what she should do and taking to Reddit to ask others if relationships can improve despite a meddling mother-in-law. "Has anyone seen an improvement being in a relationship with a mamma's boy or is it better to cut losses now?" she writes. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Reddit users aren't confident the relationship can improve. "You're not imagining it, mamma's boy habits like that rarely just disappear," writes one commenter. "And if she's controlling his finances and emails? That's a giant red flag, not 'relationship growing pains.' You're waiting for a man to show up who's been buried under his mom's thumb for years. Time to ask yourself if you want a partner or a perpetual child." Adds another: "If you feel like you're shouldering all the emotional labor and boundary-setting, it might be time to reevaluate. Consider couples therapy to explore these issues further. Ultimately, you deserve a partnership where your needs are respected." Read the original article on People
Chicago Tribune
3 days ago
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: Do I just suck it up and lose another birthday?
Dear Eric: As kids we went to the cemeteries with our parents and grandparents every year before Memorial Day. There are three cemeteries with family members, and I remember all of us working on each plot every year – planting flowers, digging, weeding then going out for lunch. All this takes preparation then daily/weekly care. Now our parents and grandparents and others are buried, and I am the only one of the five kids who decorates and cares for the graves. My kids and their spouses and children joined my wife and I to prepare the sites and planted some perennials. Now the sites still need hanging plants and other flowers and watering often and weeding occasionally. This happens every year. It sure makes me sad to go there and see nothing has been done except by me. I guess I don't feel I should have to ask for help. It is expensive and time consuming. We sure would love to see flourishing plants and no weeds. – Tired of Tending Dear Tired: This is a beautiful tradition for these sites of memory, and it clearly holds a lot of meaning for you. It's great that you've involved your children and grandchildren, as well, to keep the tradition alive. Sometimes, when we have a need that's gone unmet, the only way forward is to ask for it. So, while you shouldn't have to ask for help, doing so may ease your stress. It may also alert your siblings to an opportunity for service that has slipped their minds. While this is a longstanding tradition in your family, it's possible it doesn't hold the same weight for your siblings as it does for you. So, talking to them about what it means to you and asking for their support could be an invitation for them to dig deeper, as it were. Now, when you do this, you should also be prepared for the possibility that the extensive work you do planting and maintaining the plots isn't something that they want to take on. They may prefer a more trimmed back horticultural plan. Everyone commemorates their loved ones in different ways. Try to be open to smaller tasks that they might take on as well. Dear Eric: I'm lucky enough to have parents in their 80s in pretty good health and who are celebrating their 60th anniversary next month. The issue is that they want to celebrate it on my birthday. The expectation is that I drive two hours to celebrate them all day, doing whatever they ask of me then drive two hours to go home. Their actual anniversary is a few days before my birthday and they don't see an issue that I'd like to have my birthday acknowledged (ideally, I could make plans myself). This is not the first time they have hijacked my birthday (or any other day) and will get extremely upset (borderline abusive) when I say I want their party to be on another day. I feel like a prisoner, but they are 80. Do I just suck it up and lose another birthday? I feel like I don't matter. – Middle Child Dear Middle Child: Sixty years of marriage is a significant, and rare, milestone, one that ought to be celebrated. Initially I thought, 'What's stopping this letter writer from sharing the birthday and being with family?' But there are parts of this letter that make me concerned this issue is about more than just what your plans are. For instance, you write that your parents have become borderline abusive when you've pushed back on plans before. You write that you feel like a prisoner. So, this isn't just a case of an overcrowded family calendar. There's something amiss in your relationship. I'm curious where your other siblings are in this. I'm curious what you'd like to do on your birthday and ways that your family might make you feel special, even if you did do the actual celebration on another day. If this is bothering you this much, it's worth saying something to your parents about it. Even if you're still planning to come to help them celebrate, you can and should speak up beforehand about what you need. If it feels to you that they've hijacked your birthday, explore that and try to find what can be remedied by them and what's yours to work through. Most importantly, keep yourself safe. If your relationship with your parents is contentious or abusive, you don't have to go. Or you can set a limit for how long you're going to stay. And no matter how long you stay (if you go at all), make sure you do something special for yourself, with people you like and who value you. Even if it's not on your actual birthday, make time to show up for yourself.
