Latest news with #LauraHelmuth
Yahoo
4 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
I Saw Myself as an Honorary Aunt. Turns Out I'm Actually the Nanny.
Good Job is Slate's advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It's anonymous!) Dear Good Job, Four years ago, I had some time off between work contracts and was connected with 'Claire,' a woman my same age, by a mutual friend. Claire had a 2-year-old and desperately needed child care, so I stepped in as a nanny and then frequent babysitter once I went back to work. Claire had a rough second pregnancy, so I dropped by twice-a-week to meal-prep and tidy the house for them. During those months, she was working from home a lot, and we got closer than ever as we had hours every day to chat in the kitchen. In the years since, I have started to refer to her two girls as my nieces, and they call me and my husband Auntie and Uncle. Claire and her husband always talk about how I'm basically like family to them. She has always insisted on paying me for my work, even when I just do a quick school pick-up or come over to help them move some furniture. About once a month, I take the older girl out for a special outing that is just us and don't take any payment. Anyway, I was feeling really good about this surrogate family and the way we all fit together, especially as I don't plan on having kids. But last week, something happened that really shook me. Claire made a series of Instagram posts about people who have really been there for her lately, highlighting her relationships with her friends and neighbors by name. She wrote how, after so much struggling through a lonely time postpartum, she's thankful to have a community and support. She didn't post about me. I'm trying not to take it personally and to feel glad she's hitting a flow state with her community, but being omitted makes me feel like maybe I am just the hired help and not a true friend like I thought. I just changed jobs about six weeks ago and have been significantly less available to them, although I've kept up my special outings with her oldest. I don't really have any idea of how to address this feeling or if I even should. What we have going has always been so positive and just felt like it worked. My best guess is that maybe we're at the point of closeness that she's taking me for granted the way I would take my sister for granted, compared to a friend. Just wanted to see what you think. —Auntie for Hire Dear Auntie for Hire, This must have felt like such a gut punch. I'm sorry. I've definitely had the experience of someone I thought was a close friend turning out to not feel the same way about me, and it sucks. It's always so destabilizing to find out that other people don't have the same impression of a relationship, whether it's a friendship, a romantic relationship, a pseudo-aunt, or a relationship involving work. Where I've made mistakes in the past, though, is that I've let these feelings fester and turn into resentment, instead of addressing it like a grown-up. So I'm going to suggest that you not take a page out of my book and ignore these feelings, and instead confront them head-on. I can't pretend to know what Claire was thinking, or how she really feels about you, so you need to sit down with Claire face-to-face and tell her how the Instagram posts made you feel. Don't be accusatory or put her on the defensive, but rather use 'I' statements ('I felt bad when I saw your Instagram posts'), which emphasize that you're not blaming her—you're just letting her know that this is your perception of what happened. Hopefully, you'll be able to have an honest conversation and your relationship will be stronger because of it. It's also possible she will tell you that she always approached your relationship as a friendly but professional relationship. That would really hurt, but it's better to know now—and it doesn't mean your relationship with her and her kids isn't genuine. Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! (It's anonymous!) Dear Good Job, I recently received a promotion and am going to be taking on a supervisory role in my organization. My current role will be backfilled. I know that 'Megan,' a part-timer in the organization, is extremely interested in taking it over. I feel pretty strongly that Megan would not be a good fit—and I will be the final word on hiring someone to fill this vacancy. From her inexperience in the field to persistent personality clashes that I have already seen arise around the office, I wouldn't feel confident in appointing her to a more central role in the organization. Maybe when I am more established as a manager I would have more patience for the hand-holding she will need, but at the moment, I'd feel much better selecting someone with more years of work experience behind them who will require less guidance. I know there's no guarantee that a different applicant would be the 'correct' choice, but I strongly feel that Megan would definitely be the wrong fit, at least right now. My question is how to handle continuing to work alongside her if she applies and is passed over for the job. She has a lot of her future plans hinged on getting this position, so it's safe to assume she would be extremely disappointed not to get it. She's shared things, unprompted, in office conversations like, 'When I get your job and make more money, my fiancé and I will be able to move out of our apartment, buy a house in town, and start thinking about kids.' I've responded with noncommittal replies or by changing the subject. Is there a professional and polite way to justify not appointing her once that decision is made? Should I wait for her to ask for feedback after the inevitable interview, or preemptively talk to her? I don't want to discourage her from pursuing her goals, but this is not the stepping stone for her, even if she can't see it herself. She is well-intentioned and competent in her current role, but she would do better to seek the advancement she's looking for elsewhere. Please help! —Application Rejected Dear Application, At an old job, I applied for an internal role that I felt I was more than qualified for. This was when magazines still had a dedicated print staff (remember print?) and a dedicated online staff. I was an online editor and the job I was applying for was on the print side. There were a few reasons why I wanted the job, not least of which was that my direct boss was consistently hours late for work. But I didn't get it. And I was really bummed! But the person they hired instead, who ended up sitting in the cubicle next to me, was great. I grudgingly concurred that they were right to hire her instead of me, even if it stung at the time. What I appreciated about the process, even though I didn't get the job, is that the editor who was hiring for the role told me face-to-face that I hadn't gotten it. He didn't avoid me, or send me an email. We had a conversation, I thanked him for his time and consideration, and got back to work. I would urge you to do the same with Megan, if she actually ends up applying (which she may not!). If she asks why, you can tell her (honestly, I hope) that there are other candidates with more relevant experience. But as her manager, I would also encourage you to discuss what, if any, a path of advancement looks like for Megan in your organization. If her current job is a dead end, she deserves to know that so she can potentially start looking elsewhere. Or maybe there's a world where, as you become more confident in your new position, you can start to envision a role for Megan that hews more closely to her strengths. And just a final thought: Management is going to be filled with awkward conversations and decisions that will invariably upset someone, so you might as well learn to get comfortable with them now. Dear Good Job, My raise is way overdue and I realize that I have to take the initiative with my boss. Any pointers? —I'm Worth It Dear I'm Worth It, Good for you for recognizing that you deserve a raise! I would start by writing down your case for getting a raise. Have you taken on more responsibility? Have you done anything at work that should be recognized? Start making a list of these, with dates if possible, and practice how you're going to talk about them. For example: 'Starting last September, I spearheaded a project across several departments that resulted in a 20 percent increase in sales.' When you have this conversation with your boss (in person if possible), having these specific metrics will help make your case. That said, saying your raise is 'overdue' is vague. Are you supposed to be getting yearly raises? Do you have performance reviews? Did other people in your organization receive raises, but you didn't? Regardless— if it's been six months, you're probably not overdue; if it's been three years, then yes, you probably are. Good luck and I hope you get that raise! —Doree I just returned to work after my 12 weeks of maternity leave, and I'm really struggling with leaving my baby in day care. Quitting my job is not an option, both because we'd have to sell our home and because I have a very niche job where positions don't come up often. Because of the nature of my job, I can't transition to part-time or work remotely. Here's the issue: My husband is entitled to take eight weeks of paid leave in our state, but he doesn't want to take it.
Yahoo
12-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
I Refuse to Do Free Work for My Family. They're All Having a Meltdown.
Good Job is Slate's advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. It's anonymous! Dear Good Job, I am 19 and going to community college while working at a daycare. The pay is terrible but it works with my schedule, and I love kids. But I am tired of my three older siblings trying to pawn off theirs every time I come home to visit. I want to relax and spend time with our parents—not changing diapers because my sister married a Neanderthal, or my brother would rather watch the game than pay attention to his toddler. It is so obviously fake and manipulative when the minute I walk in the door, they're telling me that the kids missed their Auntie and a baby with a poopy diaper is thrown in my hands. I tried to be polite and tell them I just want to have some adult company. I get I hand the kid back or leave the room, I get guilt trips because 'parents need a break too,' and I act like I 'hate' my nieces and nephews. Obviously, as the youngest female of the family, I am the default child tender and am expected to accept my womanly duty. That isn't happening. Everyone is always over at our parents so I have to deal with the same problem again and again. I finally snapped when my brother told his whining kid to play with me because he was busy playing a video game. I held out my hand and told my brother it would be $20. He acted confused, and I told him I get paid to deal with other people's kids, and if he wants the same, he needs to pay up. This caused a huge fight where I was called overdramatic and mean for even thinking of charging money from family. I ended up skipping the Memorial Day weekend to hang out with friends, and have gotten nothing but grief from my parents. They want to see me and miss me, but not enough to stand up for me. What do I do here? —Not a Daycare Dear Not a Daycare, Families know how to push your buttons because they're the ones who put them there. I'm sorry your siblings keep treating you like a kid sister they can boss around. And it's maddening to see family members try to enforce traditional gender roles, especially when children are watching and learning. New parents are exhausted and stressed (why is my child crying? Why?) and not in the best headspace to accept new family dynamics. But you're right to insist on them. It will take a lot of persistence, since your siblings are highly motivated to keep manipulating you, but stick to your clear and fair messages: You're there to enjoy some adult time. You love to see and play with your niblings, but you care for children professionally. If your siblings would like you to babysit by changing diapers, feeding the kids, bathing them, etc., your hourly rate is $50. Your siblings may continue to throw tantrums, but as you know from dealing with children, the best thing to do is stay calm while they scream it out. Not to excuse your siblings, especially the Neanderthal brother-in-law, but they might be feeling the weight of family expectations themselves. They may be feeling judged about their own parenting skills (rightly so, in your brother-in-law's case) and frustrated by their inability to keep up with diapers and toddler tantrums. Some people regress to their brattier younger selves when they spend time with their family of origin. It sounds like your siblings learned how to give guilt trips from your parents. If you haven't yet, explain to your parents that you hope they and your siblings will respect you as an adult who is working hard at her job and education. Ask them to stick up for you. They might be too stuck in your existing family dynamic to see your perspective, but they clearly hold a lot of influence over your siblings and might be willing to use their power for good. (If nothing else, maybe they can use their guilt trip skills to get Neanderthal off the couch.) Whatever comes from this conversation, please don't feel obliged to follow your siblings' pattern of spending every holiday (even Memorial Day!) at the family home. Go out, enjoy some friends or some solitude. Your parents need to learn that you are no longer the youngest kid everybody can push around, and you will visit when you want to. Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Good Job, A co-worker brings sardines, anchovies, herring, or some other god-awful-smelling fish in his lunch EVERY DAY. Even worse, he tosses the empty cans in the garbage in the break room without having the decency to at least seal them in a Ziploc bag, resulting in one of us needing to rush the garbage to the dumpster outside. We've tried hinting that it might be nice for him to try to broaden his horizons with something other than fish, but he claims it's 'good for the brain' and keeps on bringing it in. It's gotten so bad that we are now eating our lunches in our cars or going out to restaurants. Is it time to speak to human resources? Is this even something HR could do anything about? —The Other People Here Have Functioning Noses Dear Functioning Nose, One of the worst things about in-person jobs is having to share co-workers' air. It's hard to concentrate when you're within breathing distance of their respiratory infections, flatulence, and smelly fish. It sounds like there isn't good air circulation in the break room, and that's the first place to start. Ask human resources (or your manager, or the building engineer) to upgrade your HVAC system and/or add an air purifier that will reduce not just smells but also airborne germs, particulates from wildfire smoke, and other pollution. If the room has a window that is sealed shut, ask to have it modified to open. If your company balks at the cost, tell them any air-purification improvements will pay for themselves by reducing sick days and distractions. Human resources should be able to set some guidelines for break-room etiquette that include instructions for properly disposing of smelly containers. But perhaps Mr. Good Brain will listen to reason. You say you and your colleagues have hinted that he should diversify his diet. Hinting didn't work—it often doesn't—so tell him directly that his lunch is causing discomfort for some of his colleagues. Explain this briskly and factually, without judgment or a wrinkled nose, and say that you'd like to find a solution. Could you schedule lunch breaks so that those of you who are sensitive to the smell eat a bit earlier, while he waits to open his lunchbox until a bit later? And ask him to throw his lunch trash away outside, rather than in the break room. The research on fish oil improving brain function isn't super strong, but if he wants to do something that's really good for his brain, he should strengthen his social relationships with his co-workers. Slate Plus members get more Good Job every week. Sign up now to read Laura Helmuth's additional column this week. Dear Good Job, I recently found out from a co-worker friend that another one of our co-workers, 'Jane,' homeschools her children specifically to keep them away from 'gay people.' As a queer and trans person, I am disgusted. I don't know how to interact with Jane now. I've basically been completely ignoring her. We don't work together often (we are both part-time and don't necessarily come in on the same days), but we are nurses at a hospital, so there is a lot of collaboration with everyone else working when I am there. She is perfectly nice to me at work (she doesn't know I'm queer or trans, though she does know I use 'they/them' pronouns for my toddler) but it makes me feel gross to interact with her. I recently started wearing my pronouns (they/them) on my name badge, but she hasn't noticed yet. I want to aggressively correct her next time she uses the wrong pronouns for me, even though I ignore it when the rest of my co-workers use the wrong pronouns. I don't want a hostile work environment, but I am a conflictual person by nature, so part of me wants to make it a conflict. Help! —Nurse Gay Dear Nurse Gay, Jane, goddam. Preventing kids from learning about queer people (or evolution, the age of the Earth, climate change, racism, other cultures, true history, and all the other fundamentalist homeschooling no-no's) is cruel and neglectful. That's a subject for another column, and her kids aren't your problem at all, but I just want to start by saying that Jane is contributing to generational ignorance. It's tempting to start a conflict with Jane, but of course, there are lots of reasons not to. You don't want to give anyone on staff an excuse to feel sorry for Jane, and you'd run the risk that other people would think you're a troublemaker. Do correct her if she continues to mis-pronoun you, but do so in a tone you would use to correct any error. Could you ask the person who told you about Jane's homeschooling to speak with her? They could share that you're queer and trans, assuming other people at work know and you want them to know. If nothing else, co-workers could reinforce that Jane needs to use correct pronouns. It might be less fraught for Jane to hear from a third party that her assumptions about you are wrong. It's not your job to educate Jane, but your presence could be educational. A lot of people rethink some of their own bigotry, especially bigotry that was handed down to them through brainwash-schooling and a bigoted family of origin, when they get to know people they were taught to despise. —Laura My husband has been working on a startup since last December. It's in an industry that has taken a huge downturn since right after he started. They have not secured any funding. They can't afford to complete the next very important step because they are out of money. He has had two business partners in this, one being his very close friend. This friend is the main partner and just accepted a full-time job and is giving up on the startup…
Yahoo
20-05-2025
- Yahoo
My Coworkers Keep Taking This Stupid Shortcut. I Am Filled With Rage.
Good Job is Slate's advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. It's anonymous! Dear Good Job, I am a hard-line hater of generative AI (ChatGPT, Midjourney, etc.). I think it's bad for the environment and bad for society. It burns water resources, exploits workers in the global south, plagiarizes art and writing, and eliminates badly needed entry-level jobs. In my ideal world, generative AI would be regulated out of existence. Unfortunately, I work for an office that has completely embraced generative AI as both an efficiency tool and a 'fun' teambuilding thing. I worked as a temp at this company for 8 months in a position where AI was less prevalent, but now in my new permanent position, it's everywhere. As I write this, I'm watching a Teams chat where my new boss and coworkers are merrily generating and re-generating an AI logo graphic for a new department they want me to run (the department was also named based on AI suggestions). It's driving me insane with rage. As much as I would love to bring everyone over to my way of thinking about AI, right now I would settle for them just keeping it away from me. Is there a script I can use to convey my not wanting to engage with it without accusing them of being bad people for using it? A few months ago, I jokingly mentioned my distaste to a coworker, and her response after was to tell me every time she used ChatGPT as a fun 'teasing' thing. I'd like to avoid that result this time if I can. —The Luddites Were Right Too Dear The Luddites Were Right Too, I'm also not a huge fan of AI, and I think that a lot of the people who are embracing it so wholeheartedly are going to embrace themselves out of a job in the next few years. Not to mention, as you point out, that the use of AI comes with a whole host of ethical and moral issues. TL;DR: AI, not great! That said, while I'm not going to urge you to start using AI yourself, I do think we are a bit past the point of no return. AI is here whether we like it or not, and although the Luddites may have been right, they also probably aren't working in 21st century corporate America. So what is a principled, AI-hating person like yourself to do? Here is a clear, forceful script you can use whenever you're encouraged to use AI in your own work: 'I respect that the team is using AI, but I'd like to not use it if at all possible.' I would avoid going into your philosophical objections, because your team has already made it clear that they're not receptive to them, so now it's just a matter of a boundary that you're setting. If your colleague continues to tease you about your distaste for ChatGPT, practice not reacting to her provocations. She'll soon get bored and move on. Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Good Job, I teach third grade, and a common problem I run into is that the kids I teach think nothing of using profanity in class. Often, they learn this from their parents and are permitted to engage in it at home, and in turn bring it to school. I have tried explaining that certain standards are expected at school. I tell the kids they should view school as their workplace, and at workplaces a certain level of professionalism is required. The trouble is, many kids are so accustomed to cursing at home that it inevitably slips out casually or in moments of frustration. I find that punishment does little to curb it. One child pointed out that 'everybody cusses' so I shouldn't make a big deal over it. And I grudgingly have to admit she is correct. It's not as if cursing isn't everywhere in society. Should I just ignore it when one of my students swears, or should I continue to try and dissuade them from using profane language? —Aw, Fuck It! Dear Aw, Fuck It!, I commend you for trying to uphold some modicum of decorum in your classroom! I would continue to emphasize that swearing is not allowed in your classroom, and that—as you point out—there can be different rules for home and school. I do wonder whether you could take a bit more control of the situation here, though. I would start by working together with the kids to come up with a set of classroom agreements—and including 'no swearing' on it. By bringing them into the creation of this code, they'll feel more ownership over it. My son's kindergarten class does this, and each child has to sign it (well, to the extent that a kindergartener can sign their name!). The kids take them really seriously! I know that your students are a little older, but this could be a good place to start. Once that's in place, I would not be shy about pointing to the classroom agreements. You're not shaming them or instituting harsh punishments here; you're just letting them know that everyone has collectively decided that the classroom is not the place for this kind of language. That said, I don't think that you need to raise an alarm every single time you hear a 'dammit' slip out. Kids are going to mess up, and there's a big difference between someone muttering 'shit' under their breath and yelling 'fuck you!' at someone. After you have the classroom agreements in place, I would also take note of whether it's the whole class, or just one or two students who regularly cursing. If it's just a couple of kids who can't seem to stop, it might be worth having a conversation with their parents to let them know they might want to cool it with the swearing at home, too. Slate Plus members get more Good Job every week. Sign up now to read Doree Shafrir's additional column this week. Dear Good Job,I shared a marketing idea of mine with a co-worker. They then proceeded to immediately go to our boss and pitch it. Our boss loved it, and my sleazebag co-worker is claiming credit! I hadn't told anyone else about my idea, and I didn't have anything on my computer or written down. It was just an idea kicking around in my head, so I don't have any proof I came up with it first. Is there anything I can do to get the credit I deserve that won't make me come off looking like a jealous asshole? —Purloined Proposal Dear Purloined Proposal, Oh, I am shaking with rage over the nerve of your co-worker! I can't imagine being so underhanded that I would stoop so low as to steal an idea from a colleague. That's true slimeball behavior. You have a few options here. One is to speak to your boss in as neutral and objective a manner as possible. If not too much time has passed, you could say something like, 'So great that you liked the marketing idea. I'd love to be involved in any next steps, as it was something I'd been mulling over for awhile and had just mentioned it to [Slimeball] in casual conversation—I didn't realize they were going to be pitching it formally!' You're not exactly accusing Slimeball of stealing your idea, but you're making it clear that you had come up with it first, and staking a claim to be involved with its development. In the meantime, I might send Slimeball a note (so it's documented in writing) that says, 'So glad my marketing idea is being used, but would love to chat beforehand the next time you're thinking about pitching something we've talked about!' Now you've covered all your bases with both your co-worker and your boss, and hopefully this won't be an issue in the future. — Doree
