The words I wish I could say to my 17-year-old closeted self

Dear Younger Me,
I wish you could stop worrying. You are 17. Please stop. It makes me anxious to think of the panic attacks that lie ahead for you. The fear you are bottling up inside, the put-downs and name-calls that await you, the challenges you will face.
OK, let's move forward.
Daniel, I have some good and bad news. Here goes …
I hate to break it to you, but you are 38 years old and not married. Breathe. The good news, however, is that you can actually get married. Yay! It's not illegal – at least not for you living in the UK. (You could even do it in a church … If you wanted to. You don't. But rejoice in that fact.) And …breathe.
There's still hope that you will marry. I mean, you are currently on five separate dating apps and averaging around three dates a week. OK, four. You'll learn what dating apps are in a few years' time and you'll have a love/hate relationship with them.
They will also use up a lot of your screen time – you'll learn about screen time soon, too. However, 64 countries across the globe still claim being queer to be illegal and it can even be met with the death penalty. And it's 2025. Yeah, we still have a pretty long way to go. Though, as people chant every June, who needs Pride, right?
Oh, and we're using the word 'queer' again. It's not an insult anymore. I know you won't understand that after the word was weaponised against you at school, beaten around your face and thrown at you like dirt … But we've reclaimed it and it's kind of empowering.
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Breathe.
Some things never change.
You do not like fish. No number of ex-boyfriends (you've had a few) attempting to make you try tuna or black cod because 'it's not that fishy' has altered this. You still hate anything from the sea or pond and have to defend this statement constantly. Ducks being included in this is still a struggle for some to see, but I'm with you, it's wrong. Wet bellies and beaks … yuck!
Your anxiety around sex and STIs and infections has wavered, but it's still present. You have not got over this yet. However, an incredible new drug, PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), is making this transition easier for you and millions of people, which prevents you catching HIV.
I'll let that statement soak in for a minute.
Back? OK, here's the bad part: you aren't on PrEP. Yes, I'm angry at us too. You are currently worried about the damage it could do to your kidneys. Yes, we still research on forums a lot, but now it's called 'googling'. (You'll learn about Google soon, and overuse it too.) You do want to start taking PrEP, not for the rubber-free sex, but for the peace of mind and extra barrier against HIV.
We're working on it, though, getting closer. There's still a stigma attached to HIV/AIDS, but you're doing your part to break this. I'm proud of you. We still have much to learn and a long way to go. There is no known cure, yet.
Breathe.
You haven't had a nose job and you hate the lines around your eyes that have developed with age (stress and laughter), but you haven't had Botox … yet. You laugh a lot, though. Like, loads. And so perhaps those lines tell your story. But your book isn't finished, yet. Your mum divorced him.
Breathe.
So, you will all be safe and OK in the end. Hang in there, I know you're finding these years incredibly hard. Unfortunately, it's going to get tougher before it gets easier, but you will be OK.
You will all be OK.
You're nearly 18 and about to come out to the world. You hate the thought of it; sick to the stomach, you're crying a lot at night. Quietly. Alone. But your dad isn't going to disown you. I repeat, he isn't going to stop loving you, Daniel.
It won't be easy, but believe me when I say this, you're actually going to be one of the lucky ones. Many will have a tougher battle ahead of them.
Thrown out or abandoned.
Breathe.
You will not end your life. It won't end your life. You will become more comfortable in yourself.
Queer.
In fact, not long ago, before writing this, you went on national TV and spoke about being gay to millions of viewers on mainstream television. You are using your voice to help others (you hope) and I'm proud of you. You wrote a bloody book about it.
You no longer hate yourself.
Breathe.
You are a work in progress. Love is a strong word, but you're getting there. You often wonder if that's why you're still single. Yes, you are still single. However, you've loved and been loved. You've had some great boyfriends and some questionable ones.
You'll come to learn that being broken down or made to feel smaller than you are, will be a 'them' thing, and not your fault. Breaking free will never feel so good. The good ones will come, even if fleeting – in fact, you'll meet a man soon who will change your life. Enjoy it. I'm jealous of you going through that – I want to do it all over again. But you will love and learn. It's all valuable.
Stop looking back. Please look forward, it really does race by. Give that neck a break!
I want you to know that you're going to be a best man at least four times – I know that's surprising to you right now, especially when you're unsure if you have many friends. You were never the pick of the team. I know sometimes after PE lessons, you wait until everyone's gone from the changing room and finally get dressed, wiping away tears, worrying about if you'll find anyone remotely like you.
But my gosh, do you! You have incredible friends, boys and girls and thems (more on that soon) – who are now men and women and theys – and you have other people around you from the community that you love and are learning so much from. My gosh, there's lots to learn. You've come a long way from the little chubby kid who used to lie to his parents about his friendships… You've grown, you've found them.
Breathe.
You can get Letters to My Younger Queer Self: Inspiring, influential voices from the LGBTQIA+ community here .
Make time to travel constantly – alone and with your best friend – because your adventures together will feature in books to come. You'll finish off each other's sentences and exchange looks about memories that you share. (Yes, you did sleep together, once – but you'll come to learn that a lot of friendships form this way in the community – and this was/is a special one.)
There are plenty of things that I don't want to tell you. You'll experience them, make mistakes and learn from these. But live in each moment, especially in New York when everyone else goes to bed and you get back up, change and head to a bar someone recommended to you. Please know that you are actually incredibly brave, Daniel. Yes, you still hate compliments but those times will hold great memories in the future. You have a future.
Breathe.
Also, I have to tell you, you grew into your voice and you found your comfort but have a long road ahead. Sometimes an exhausting uphill struggle. Save energy for it. But please stop hating yourself. Learn to love. Embrace your gay. More Trending
Enjoy each moment because with every second you do, you are becoming the man you never thought you'd be able to be.
Be kind. Forgive. Love.
I love you.
Yours, Daniel x
Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
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