Every romance movie tries to hack love. Here's why it doesn't work IRL
Romance movies will have you believe that love is a shiny, fragile thing that can be distilled down to one great metaphor. Think of your favourite romcom. You can probably recall the line that made it famous; the piece of wisdom that, the movie promises, will change everything we know about love.
Let's call it, for lack of a better term, the Love Hack. Audiences measure their relationships against it. It shows up in Insta Reels and Reddit compilations of the best relationship advice of all time. Every generation has their own. And it's probably ruining more relationships than it saves.
Because a Love Hack rarely works in the real world. And even the fictional world is starting to wise up. In To All The Boys I've Loved Before (2018), Lara Jean comes to realise that love isn't how it's described in the movies; 'it's better because it's real'.
So, what is love? Oh, we're not offering a hack of our own. But here's what the movies get wrong.
'Love means never having to say you're sorry.'
Love Story (1970)
Excuse me, what? Anyone in a real relationship will tell you that you spend half of it apologising, and the other half being apologised to. In the movie, Ali MacGraw's character says it to Ryan O'Neal's character, after he apologises for his anger. Tsk tsk. That moment certainly needed an apology. And in subsequent interviews, MacGraw herself has disagreed with the line, calling it 'crock'.
Couples fight; disagreement is part of love. Saying sorry means you're a grown-up, that you acknowledge the effect your words or actions have had on another person, regardless of intention. A whole generation of Love Story watchers skipped this. We don't have to. Cutting up fruit or moving onto the next topic as if nothing really happened just means you'll land up in couples' therapy later.
'When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.'
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Sounds wholesome. But is this really a test of love? For Harry and Sally, who spend their adult lives crossing each other's paths without realising that they should be together, it's a neat little conclusion. For everyone else, not so much. Remember when Geet left her whole family behind in Jab We Met, and fled home to start a new life with Anshuman? Bad idea. Besides, research shows that taking your time and marrying later leads to better, longer-lasting relationships. Also, marriage? In this economy? Who are you, a 20-something influencer with generational wealth?
'I think I can really fall in love when I know everything about someone.'
Before Sunrise (1995)
You know we'd come for this line. In the movie, Celine tells Jesse that knowing the mundane things about a person makes you fall for them: 'The way he's going to part his hair, which shirt he's going to wear that day, knowing the exact story he'd tell in a given situation'. Celine, ma cheri, you've got it backwards. Leave the tedious detail for after. No point seeing someone drool in their sleep, get petty with relatives and leave dishes 'soaking' in the sink right from the start. Even in the most long-lasting relationship, it's good to not know everything about your partner. It keeps the mystery alive.
'Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.'
Meet Joe Black (1998)
Oh dear! How to hate on Brad Pitt, in his prime, playing Death? This line, thankfully, comes from Anthony Hopkins's character, who believes that his daughter is settling for a tepid partner (and not Brad Pitt)! But this is a dangerous pop-culture myth. If your entire relationship feels like a burning, fiery dance of emotion, chances are it will combust soon. Slow-burn love – showing up when they're sick, doing the dishes, listening to the same stories for the 16th time – doesn't fuel summer blockbusters. But it's the real test.
'You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without.'
P.S. I Love You (2007)
First of all, this is confusing. Unpack it a bit and you'll realise that both mean the same thing – that the person you cannot live without is ultimately the person you should live with. But that takes learning too. Also, it reeks of co-dependent behaviour. The person you should first learn to live with is you. And if you can't live without someone, maybe you're not ready to be a fully functioning adult yet.
The Four Question Theory: 'Is he kind? Can I tell him everything in my heart? Does he help me become the best version of myself? Can I imagine him as the father of my children?'
The Life List (2025)
Four hacks for the price of one. When the Sofia Carson starrer came out, there were reports of couples feeling dissatisfied with their own love stories. Some even broke up because their relationships didn't pass the four question test. (Maybe they were low-key looking for an excuse to quit). PR gimmicks aside, it's too much of a quick-fix. An entire relationship can't be summed up in four questions. And besides, the fourth one is hardly inclusive. What if you can't see him/her as the parent of your child because you don't want to have kids in the first place?
From HT Brunch, June 21, 2025
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