3 Phrases To Avoid That Excuse Harmful Parenting — By A Psychologist

You can care for your parents and still prioritize yourself, particularly when they hurt you ... More emotionally or physically.
How often do you find yourself retelling an argument with a family member, struggling to make sense of the way they treated you?
You decide to open up to someone close in your life because you're overwhelmed with emotions and you need to lighten your mental load. But you also feel guilty right after the conversation. To avoid giving your friend or partner the wrong impression about your family, you try to reduce the impact of your words by adding something like:
It's almost as if we are trying to convince ourselves that we should stand by them because they're family. Here are some things we commonly say to cover up our families' wrongdoing even when it hurts us, and how we can reframe our perspective.
This phrase might come up in friendly chats or therapy conversations. You start sharing how your family treated you and how hurt you feel, but then you pull back. You feel compelled to soften the blow, to justify their actions by saying how much they mean to you and that you don't want to distance yourself — because they are family.
Some of us prioritize loyalty to our family over and above emotional safety and boundaries. It could be because we understand that they took care of us when we were children; when we didn't know how to look after ourselves. But that does not mean all our emotional needs were met when we were kids.
As adults, we may carry remnants of our childhood by continuing to find ways, often impractical ones, to find or regain our self-worth. This could be by trying to please others, staying quiet or always helping around to feel safe or valued. These habits are called codependent traits and they help us survive emotionally as children.
Growing up with codependent traits does not make us inherently flawed, but if we want to accept ourselves as we are, we also have to come to terms with the fact that our parents may have failed us in some capacity.
But exactly how far are we willing to go to prove our loyalty to our blood ties? To explore this question, a 2020 study published in Memory & Cognition created practical moral dilemmas for participants to imagine, so they could check the extent of a family member's loyalty to their kin.
Researchers asked participants to imagine witnessing their brother possibly doing something bad, like street battery. They found that family members will often bend facts to favor another family member, even in the face of their wrongdoing. This is a practice called 'coherence shift' where our mind adjusts how we see things to make our beliefs, feelings and decisions line up.
Loyalty is a powerful force but it shouldn't be an unquestionable one, here's why:
In the long run, constantly justifying the behavior of those who hurt or mistreat us can drain us emotionally. Instead of using the 'but' statement, try to rephrase it with an 'and' statement like 'I can love them and recognize their behavior hurt me.' You can respect and love your family, while also loving yourself.
As children, we see our parents as God-like beings who could do no wrong because we lack the mental faculties it takes to understand that our parents are, in fact, fallible. It's only when we grow up that we realize that our parents are not as perfect as we may have made them out to be.
Despite our resentment toward them, we try to view them from a place of understanding and empathy, which can, counterintuitively, minimize your family's damaging or controlling behavior.
This kind of justification often shows up in areas like academics, marriage or career paths. We say 'They wanted the best for me' to rationalize the pressure we have on us, but it eventually leaves us burnt out and disconnected from our own sense of purpose.
'Filial piety,' or the deep cultural expectation that children must respect, obey and serve their parents, is often seen as a virtue. But when that respect is one-sided, it can blur boundaries.
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that children who were expected to submit to and be obedient to their parents, especially ones who did so out of fear rather than love or respect, were more likely to engage in cyber-bullying. This could stem from their inability to stand up to themselves at home, and instead lash out at others to regain a sense of personal control.
Some families expect children to take responsibility in maintaining harmony, even if their parents are the ones behaving unreasonably. But clearly, these behaviors can have adverse consequences.
This is why you need to change your understanding of what your parents truly want. They may have wanted the best for you, but that may not have led to the best possible outcomes. You can balance out your perspective, by saying: 'Their intentions might have been good, but the impact still caused harm.'
There could be many different ways you say this. Perhaps, you say, 'They had a rough childhood' or 'They were just stressed.' Despite the choice of words, what you're ultimately trying to do is switch to an objective stance to possibly circumvent the emotions coming up for you — a classic case of intellectualizing emotions.
On one hand, understanding that they did their best at parenting us with the resources they had available is important. But on the other hand, that doesn't mean we have to excuse or accept behavior that was hurtful or damaging. Recognizing their limitations doesn't erase the impact their actions had on us.
Research published in Educational Philosophy and Theory suggests that when we learn that the person who hurt us is also suffering, we start to see them not as morally blameworthy, but as someone who needs help.
This creates a tension between excusing and exempting abuse. We excuse their behavior when we think the harm was unintentional or based on ignorance. But when we exempt them, we think the person isn't fully responsible due to a deeper condition like severe trauma or mental illness.
In this case, we try to shift our mindset from blame to compassion, but that doesn't mean we forget or accept the harm done.
We need to remind ourselves that understanding does not require us to tolerate or excuse the harm they've inflicted on us. If the person is currently capable of making choices and understanding right from wrong, they're still responsible for their actions, regardless of the past.
Setting boundaries is, therefore, necessary no matter how guilty and regretful we feel. They're still your family, they still may want the best for you and they may have had difficult lives that led them to act in damaging ways due to lapses in judgment.
But if they harmed us, especially over and over, that harm is real and it matters. You can feel compassion for their suffering and set boundaries to protect yourself.
Understanding where someone comes from is not the same as excusing what they did. You deserve safety and healing, no matter what kind of pain shaped the people who raised you.
Did you have to take on the role of a parent as a child? Take this science-backed test to find out: Parentification Scale.

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The Shop Face Wash Daily Exfoliating Cleanser The word 'daily' isn't something we'd label this face wash with because it was too harsh on sensitive skin, but its exfoliating qualities made it a favorite of nearly our entire panel. The Shop claims this face wash is a twice-daily exfoliator, and that simply didn't line up with our assessment. It contains small exfoliating particles that were too abrasive for one tester with sensitive skin. Though they aren't microbeads, which have been banned from cosmetics since 2015, the particles had a similar consistency. That said, four of our five testers voted that they'd purchase this cleanser again. They loved how smooth and fresh it left their faces when only using it sparingly — one even went as far as to say it felt 'damn near luxurious.' One tester occasionally mixed it in his routine to complement his daily salicylic acid cleanser and noticed his skin looked brighter. 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Three of our five testers agreed they would consider purchasing another bottle of the face lotion, with one noting that it would likely be making a permanent home in his toiletry bag when traveling. What we liked: This lightweight lotion delivers a hydrating effect and absorbs quickly into skin. Most of our testers didn't feel that it left them feeling greasy after applying. What we didn't like: The scent of this lotion (it packs an earthy smell reminiscent of grass clippings) and its lack of any SPF were our only two gripes. It would need to be paired with another product to protect against the sun. A few testers called out Harry's Daily Facial Lotion and Jack Black Double-Duty Face Moisturizer as alternatives. The Shop Shave Cream Soothing Skin Guard Shaving is a ritual of consistency. All our testers found this shaving cream to be a worthy alternative to the lubricants they're used to. Our panel had a wide range of shaving needs, so we tried this shave cream on our faces, bodies and even our heads. The best endorsement we can give is that none of our testers found this to be a step down from the lubricant they usually deploy, whether that be a gel or an oil. The head shaver in our group used The Shop's cream multiple times to shave his entire noggin and came away without a single nick. The consistency of the cream is not very foamy but rather one that creates a thin layer across your skin. Razors glided through and left smooth skin behind for a clean shave. What we liked: It worked for a variety of shaving needs, including body and head shaves, and all our testers reported smooth results with each pass. What we didn't like about: Not much. The only request from our testing panel was a smaller size that could accommodate travel restrictions; it currently is only sold in a 7-ounce tube. The Shop Aftershave Toner Anti-Bump Solution Our group was split on the sting that came with applying this toner after a close shave. It's not among our top recommendations from The Shop. While one of our testers appreciated the soothing qualities of this toner after a shave, he admittedly is not a frequent shaver. The rest of our group was undecided on the benefits. The woodsy scent was pleasant, but three testers reported more sting than usual when applying the toner after shaving. As far as signs of irritation go, it helped prevent razor bumps but couldn't fully eliminate lingering redness on one individual's neck. This is one product in the line that is probably worth trying for $10, though your personal experience could vary from ours. What we liked: This toner reduced irritation for multiple skin types when applying after a shave. What we didn't like: Several of our testers experienced a stinging sensation that wasn't as soothing as intended. The Shop Beard Cream With Leave-In Conditioner For transparency and comprehensiveness, we're including The Shop's Beard Cream. Most of our panel prefers a clean-shaven look, so this did not get enough use in testing to form a fair assessment. None of our testers maintain facial hair long enough to require beard cream. It's intended to give your beard a shiny look while also hydrating the skin beneath it. The Shop 2-in-1 Hair Wash Daily Moisturizing Shampoo The value in this 12-ounce bottle made this one of the best 2-in-1 hair washes our testers have tried. Two of our testers are bald or nearly bald, so we had a smaller sample size of opinions on the 2-in-1 hair wash. Still, the remaining three participants were wowed by the results for a $10 2-in-1 product. Typically, you're sacrificing quality to put shampoo and conditioner into a single product. Here, though, we found the subtle scent and cleansing capabilities to be pleasantly surprising. The Shop's hair wash lathers into hair and massages the scalp, leading to a moisturized feel that isn't dry or flaky. One individual felt that he would need to supplement it with an additional conditioner to achieve the desired softness he prefers in his hair. What we liked: It hydrated our testers' scalps to an extent that far outperformed a $10 product. What we didn't like: One of our testers found it to lack the conditioning he would want in a true 2-in-1 product. We also found that the bottle pours too fast, leaving you with more shampoo in your hands than needed. The Shop Nourishing Hair Pomade This pomade worked for multiple hair types in our testing panel, though all participants said they'd likely return to their usual hair-styling product for better results. Two of our testers have thicker, straight hair, while another has short 3A curly hair. The Shop's Nourishing Hair Pomade worked to a varying degree for each of them and lasted throughout the day, so there's something to be said about the product's versatility. But while other items in the line outperformed their price point, the hairstyling pomade fell short. Among the complaints we heard from our panel was that it was hard to remove from the container, it had a waxy feeling and it produced a shiny (and perhaps greasy) appearance. This wasn't a standout product compared to other options on the market. What we liked: This pomade held throughout the day. All the testers who used it found it easy to apply with just a small dollop. What we didn't like: No one on our panel said they would buy it again because it didn't produce the look they typically go for. It worked better in straight hair than curly hair. To assess LeBron James' line of men's grooming products, The Shop, five CNN Underscored staffers with varied skin types, hair types and grooming needs, tried them for a month. Senior tech editor Mike Andronico has balanced skin and shaves his head. He maintains a simple skin care routine that he's started to put more effort into in recent years, especially with daily cleansing and moisturizing. Strategy and operations manager DaVonne Bacchus has normal to dry skin. He has a complete daily skin care routine consisting of cleansing twice a day, toner, vitamin C serum, face lotion and sunscreen. Associate testing writer Joe Bloss has normal to oily skin and maintains a borderline-bald buzz cut. He shaves twice a week and uses a cleanser and a moisturizer twice daily. He looks for products to help develop a better, more comprehensive skin care routine. Associate programming editor Kevin Martinez has dry skin and short, 3A curly hair. He has a basic routine and has previously tested under-eye patches. Copy chief Daniel Toy has oily, sensitive skin and thick, fast-growing hair. He generally uses Cetaphil face wash and Harry's products for his daily routine, though he's always looking for anything easy on his sensitive skin. Where can I buy LeBron James' The Shop grooming line? Where can I buy LeBron James' The Shop grooming line? The Shop line of products does have a shoppable page on the Uninterrupted website run by SpringHill, the entertainment company founded by James and his business partner Maverick Carter. The Shop is also sold at Walmart and CVS, though the latter didn't carry the brand's hair care products as of this writing. Does LeBron James' The Shop men's grooming line have a subscription? Does LeBron James' The Shop men's grooming line have a subscription? While there is no subscription plan directly through The Shop's website, you can subscribe to recurring purchases at Walmart. However, it doesn't lower the price compared to one-off purchases. Is LeBron James' The Shop men's grooming line suitable for daily use? Is LeBron James' The Shop men's grooming line suitable for daily use? Our testing found some products to be great for daily use, while others were better fits to be used every few days or once a week. The face wash, for example, provided a rigorous exfoliation that's too harsh as a daily cleanser. Several testers, however, liked the face lotion enough to consider it for inclusion in their daily routines. CNN Underscored has a team of skilled writers and editors who have many years of experience testing, researching and recommending products, and they ensure each article is carefully edited and products are properly vetted. We talk to top experts when applicable to make certain we are testing each product accurately, recommending only the best products and considering the pros and cons of each item. For this article, a panel of five CNN Underscored editorial staffers tested The Shop's grooming products for a month. They replaced products in their usual skin and hair care routines to see how The Shop altered the results they saw. Associate testing writer Joe Bloss, who has covered other grooming content for CNN Underscored such as the best men's razors, compiled the panel's thoughts and wrote this review.