I Saw Myself as an Honorary Aunt. Turns Out I'm Actually the Nanny.
Good Job is Slate's advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It's anonymous!)
Dear Good Job,
Four years ago, I had some time off between work contracts and was connected with 'Claire,' a woman my same age, by a mutual friend. Claire had a 2-year-old and desperately needed child care, so I stepped in as a nanny and then frequent babysitter once I went back to work.
Claire had a rough second pregnancy, so I dropped by twice-a-week to meal-prep and tidy the house for them. During those months, she was working from home a lot, and we got closer than ever as we had hours every day to chat in the kitchen. In the years since, I have started to refer to her two girls as my nieces, and they call me and my husband Auntie and Uncle. Claire and her husband always talk about how I'm basically like family to them. She has always insisted on paying me for my work, even when I just do a quick school pick-up or come over to help them move some furniture. About once a month, I take the older girl out for a special outing that is just us and don't take any payment.
Anyway, I was feeling really good about this surrogate family and the way we all fit together, especially as I don't plan on having kids. But last week, something happened that really shook me. Claire made a series of Instagram posts about people who have really been there for her lately, highlighting her relationships with her friends and neighbors by name. She wrote how, after so much struggling through a lonely time postpartum, she's thankful to have a community and support. She didn't post about me.
I'm trying not to take it personally and to feel glad she's hitting a flow state with her community, but being omitted makes me feel like maybe I am just the hired help and not a true friend like I thought. I just changed jobs about six weeks ago and have been significantly less available to them, although I've kept up my special outings with her oldest.
I don't really have any idea of how to address this feeling or if I even should. What we have going has always been so positive and just felt like it worked. My best guess is that maybe we're at the point of closeness that she's taking me for granted the way I would take my sister for granted, compared to a friend. Just wanted to see what you think.
—Auntie for Hire
Dear Auntie for Hire,
This must have felt like such a gut punch. I'm sorry. I've definitely had the experience of someone I thought was a close friend turning out to not feel the same way about me, and it sucks. It's always so destabilizing to find out that other people don't have the same impression of a relationship, whether it's a friendship, a romantic relationship, a pseudo-aunt, or a relationship involving work.
Where I've made mistakes in the past, though, is that I've let these feelings fester and turn into resentment, instead of addressing it like a grown-up. So I'm going to suggest that you not take a page out of my book and ignore these feelings, and instead confront them head-on.
I can't pretend to know what Claire was thinking, or how she really feels about you, so you need to sit down with Claire face-to-face and tell her how the Instagram posts made you feel. Don't be accusatory or put her on the defensive, but rather use 'I' statements ('I felt bad when I saw your Instagram posts'), which emphasize that you're not blaming her—you're just letting her know that this is your perception of what happened. Hopefully, you'll be able to have an honest conversation and your relationship will be stronger because of it. It's also possible she will tell you that she always approached your relationship as a friendly but professional relationship. That would really hurt, but it's better to know now—and it doesn't mean your relationship with her and her kids isn't genuine.
Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! (It's anonymous!)
Dear Good Job,
I recently received a promotion and am going to be taking on a supervisory role in my organization. My current role will be backfilled. I know that 'Megan,' a part-timer in the organization, is extremely interested in taking it over.
I feel pretty strongly that Megan would not be a good fit—and I will be the final word on hiring someone to fill this vacancy. From her inexperience in the field to persistent personality clashes that I have already seen arise around the office, I wouldn't feel confident in appointing her to a more central role in the organization.
Maybe when I am more established as a manager I would have more patience for the hand-holding she will need, but at the moment, I'd feel much better selecting someone with more years of work experience behind them who will require less guidance. I know there's no guarantee that a different applicant would be the 'correct' choice, but I strongly feel that Megan would definitely be the wrong fit, at least right now.
My question is how to handle continuing to work alongside her if she applies and is passed over for the job. She has a lot of her future plans hinged on getting this position, so it's safe to assume she would be extremely disappointed not to get it. She's shared things, unprompted, in office conversations like, 'When I get your job and make more money, my fiancé and I will be able to move out of our apartment, buy a house in town, and start thinking about kids.' I've responded with noncommittal replies or by changing the subject.
Is there a professional and polite way to justify not appointing her once that decision is made? Should I wait for her to ask for feedback after the inevitable interview, or preemptively talk to her? I don't want to discourage her from pursuing her goals, but this is not the stepping stone for her, even if she can't see it herself. She is well-intentioned and competent in her current role, but she would do better to seek the advancement she's looking for elsewhere. Please help!
—Application Rejected
Dear Application,
At an old job, I applied for an internal role that I felt I was more than qualified for. This was when magazines still had a dedicated print staff (remember print?) and a dedicated online staff. I was an online editor and the job I was applying for was on the print side. There were a few reasons why I wanted the job, not least of which was that my direct boss was consistently hours late for work. But I didn't get it. And I was really bummed! But the person they hired instead, who ended up sitting in the cubicle next to me, was great. I grudgingly concurred that they were right to hire her instead of me, even if it stung at the time.
What I appreciated about the process, even though I didn't get the job, is that the editor who was hiring for the role told me face-to-face that I hadn't gotten it. He didn't avoid me, or send me an email. We had a conversation, I thanked him for his time and consideration, and got back to work. I would urge you to do the same with Megan, if she actually ends up applying (which she may not!). If she asks why, you can tell her (honestly, I hope) that there are other candidates with more relevant experience. But as her manager, I would also encourage you to discuss what, if any, a path of advancement looks like for Megan in your organization. If her current job is a dead end, she deserves to know that so she can potentially start looking elsewhere. Or maybe there's a world where, as you become more confident in your new position, you can start to envision a role for Megan that hews more closely to her strengths. And just a final thought: Management is going to be filled with awkward conversations and decisions that will invariably upset someone, so you might as well learn to get comfortable with them now.
Dear Good Job,
My raise is way overdue and I realize that I have to take the initiative with my boss. Any pointers?
—I'm Worth It
Dear I'm Worth It,
Good for you for recognizing that you deserve a raise! I would start by writing down your case for getting a raise. Have you taken on more responsibility? Have you done anything at work that should be recognized? Start making a list of these, with dates if possible, and practice how you're going to talk about them. For example: 'Starting last September, I spearheaded a project across several departments that resulted in a 20 percent increase in sales.' When you have this conversation with your boss (in person if possible), having these specific metrics will help make your case.
That said, saying your raise is 'overdue' is vague. Are you supposed to be getting yearly raises? Do you have performance reviews? Did other people in your organization receive raises, but you didn't? Regardless— if it's been six months, you're probably not overdue; if it's been three years, then yes, you probably are. Good luck and I hope you get that raise!
—Doree
I just returned to work after my 12 weeks of maternity leave, and I'm really struggling with leaving my baby in day care. Quitting my job is not an option, both because we'd have to sell our home and because I have a very niche job where positions don't come up often. Because of the nature of my job, I can't transition to part-time or work remotely. Here's the issue: My husband is entitled to take eight weeks of paid leave in our state, but he doesn't want to take it.
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