What can be done about a partner's bad moods?
If you have a naturally sunny and upbeat disposition and your partner seems naturally withdrawn and negative toward you, is it possible to change that, or must your partner want to change? Could you initiate a change in your partner's disposition on your own without deliberately discussing this with your partner? How can this be accomplished?
SUNNY
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A.
I am not a behavioral psychologist, but I have seen the movie 'Twilight,' which is about vampires with powers.
I'm going to make a real point, I swear.
The premise of the vampire lore in that book/movie is that vampires have special skills based on their personalities and human talents. In one case, a vampire can read minds. In another, they can cause pain just by thinking about it.
One particular vampire can
calm people down
— change the mood of the room. What a
Of course, it doesn't last long. People are people, and they'll get right back to being stressed or scared if that's how they feel.
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This is my long way of saying: I don't think you can change someone else's mood. Maybe for a few minutes at a time, but it would require a lot of tap dancing — or a vampire superpower.
The person in question needs to figure out why they're sad or upset. They need to know they're upsetting others and want to make a change.
Worth mentioning, if I have a vampire superpower, it's that I can
absorb
moods. If someone is miserable, I am too, and sometimes I think whatever's happening is my fault. I've learned that in those moments, especially at home, I can give myself space. I can take a walk. I can let go of the idea of fixing the problem and do something nice on my own.
If you experience this 'default mood' a lot, it's worth having a
deliberate discussion
about what's happening. You don't want to get to a place where you're afraid to talk about important things.
You and your partner should be working on this together. If they refuse, please consider what keeps you around.
MEREDITH
Related
:
READERS RESPOND:
Did Winnie the Pooh try to change Eeyore's personality into one similar to Tigger, LW? Or did he accept him as he was?
AULDYIN
No, you cannot change people's personalities. But more to the point, you should not be in a relationship with someone who is negative toward you all the time.
ASH
First, suggest they get screened for depression. If they refuse repeatedly, you may have to ask them if there is something particular that is bothering them about the relationship. If so, try hard to fix it if you can. But if they can't tell you anything fixable, or they respond with cruel or impossible suggestions, you may have to break up. If depression is ruled out or
successfully
treated, ask them to be honest if there is any way to fix the relationship … not them as a person, per say. Sometimes people are a temperamental mismatch. One person's 'negative personality' is another's 'clever, cynical snark,' which some people seem to like.
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LITTLEPENGUIN456
I was married to someone whose default was being depressed. It was a medical condition and he was taking medication and going to counseling but it didn't seem that helpful. As someone who is generally positive, I felt like it dragged me down too. We eventually got divorced for many reasons. I don't think you can change another person just because you are more positive. You can do things that will make them happy for a while, but I think a discussion is necessary. Maybe they don't even think they are being negative. They also have to want to change.
LEGALLYLIZ
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What can be done about a partner's bad moods?
If you have a naturally sunny and upbeat disposition and your partner seems naturally withdrawn and negative toward you, is it possible to change that, or must your partner want to change? Could you initiate a change in your partner's disposition on your own without deliberately discussing this with your partner? How can this be accomplished? SUNNY Related : Advertisement A. I am not a behavioral psychologist, but I have seen the movie 'Twilight,' which is about vampires with powers. I'm going to make a real point, I swear. The premise of the vampire lore in that book/movie is that vampires have special skills based on their personalities and human talents. In one case, a vampire can read minds. In another, they can cause pain just by thinking about it. One particular vampire can calm people down — change the mood of the room. What a Of course, it doesn't last long. People are people, and they'll get right back to being stressed or scared if that's how they feel. Advertisement This is my long way of saying: I don't think you can change someone else's mood. Maybe for a few minutes at a time, but it would require a lot of tap dancing — or a vampire superpower. The person in question needs to figure out why they're sad or upset. They need to know they're upsetting others and want to make a change. Worth mentioning, if I have a vampire superpower, it's that I can absorb moods. If someone is miserable, I am too, and sometimes I think whatever's happening is my fault. I've learned that in those moments, especially at home, I can give myself space. I can take a walk. I can let go of the idea of fixing the problem and do something nice on my own. If you experience this 'default mood' a lot, it's worth having a deliberate discussion about what's happening. You don't want to get to a place where you're afraid to talk about important things. You and your partner should be working on this together. If they refuse, please consider what keeps you around. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Did Winnie the Pooh try to change Eeyore's personality into one similar to Tigger, LW? Or did he accept him as he was? AULDYIN No, you cannot change people's personalities. But more to the point, you should not be in a relationship with someone who is negative toward you all the time. ASH First, suggest they get screened for depression. If they refuse repeatedly, you may have to ask them if there is something particular that is bothering them about the relationship. If so, try hard to fix it if you can. But if they can't tell you anything fixable, or they respond with cruel or impossible suggestions, you may have to break up. If depression is ruled out or successfully treated, ask them to be honest if there is any way to fix the relationship … not them as a person, per say. Sometimes people are a temperamental mismatch. One person's 'negative personality' is another's 'clever, cynical snark,' which some people seem to like. Advertisement LITTLEPENGUIN456 I was married to someone whose default was being depressed. It was a medical condition and he was taking medication and going to counseling but it didn't seem that helpful. As someone who is generally positive, I felt like it dragged me down too. We eventually got divorced for many reasons. I don't think you can change another person just because you are more positive. You can do things that will make them happy for a while, but I think a discussion is necessary. Maybe they don't even think they are being negative. They also have to want to change. LEGALLYLIZ Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
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