When going to bed angry at your partner is OK
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Arguments often feel urgent no matter what's going on for some of the couples Dr. Samantha Rodman sees in her practice as a clinical psychologist in Potomac, Maryland.
This desire to resolve a conflict before heading to bed is particularly common for clients who grew up in a house where family members fought nonstop, said Rodman, author of '52 E-Mails to Transform Your Marriage: How to Reignite Intimacy and Rebuild Your Relationship.' 'It doesn't really occur to you to just shelve it and go to sleep.'
For others, the tendency is because of the age-old adage that you should never go to bed angry — which sometimes comes from 'the belief that unresolved anger can fester overnight, leading to deeper resentment,' said Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City, via email.
'Its wisdom is likely to be rooted in the idea that resolution to arguments is essential for maintaining harmony and preventing even more emotional distance,' Romanoff said. 'Historically, it's a call for connection and prioritizing the relationship over lingering negativity.'
Others' resistance to dropping an argument for the night may stem from self-comparison or toxic positivity, Rodman said — which can lead you to think you should be able to quickly discuss things with your partner, apologize, resolve the issue and happily call it a night.
There's also the concern — sometimes in hindsight — about what may happen if you let your partner go about their next day with that lingering resentment between you two or without having said I love you.
All considered, never going to bed angry sounds like a good rule to live by. But it isn't always useful, Romanoff said.
'Its rigidity can overlook individual needs, rest and perspective,' Romanoff said. 'Applying this convention without discretion can actually be detrimental to your relationship.'
Putting an argument on pause and going to sleep upset is a skill you can practice, Rodman said. Here's how to do it and still keep your relationship intact.
Delaying sleep to resolve an argument can backfire for several reasons.
When you're exhausted, you're less inhibited and thus have less control of your emotions, so you're more impulsive and likely to say or do things you don't mean and will later regret, experts said.
Your problem-solving, listening and reasoning skills, which are all necessary for effective communication, can take a hit too, especially if you're really worked up. Those factors, as well as being under the influence, can further exacerbate the problem, Rodman said.
A good night's rest, however, can completely reset the brain.
Sleep 'reduces your brain's reactivity to negative stimuli — or perceived negative stimuli — helps process emotions and restores your ability to approach problems rationally,' Romanoff said. 'A well-rested brain is better equipped to engage in thoughtful, respectful communication.'
Sometimes, what you were arguing about will no longer seem important the next day. For whatever concerns that remain, though, you'll be more able to express them in a way that's less emotional or defensive and, ultimately, better for the relationship.
Except on the rare occasions when something important and relevant to the conflict is about to happen late at night, Romanoff said all arguments should wait until the next day.
Let's say you want to go to sleep but are struggling because the issue feels urgent, you're lying awake ruminating while your partner is sleeping soundly, or you're worried something bad might happen.
These feelings could stem from 'attachment panic,' Rodman said. That's the fear that your attachment figure or closest relationship, typically your parents in childhood or your partner in adulthood, isn't there for you or doesn't love you.
'That's very evolutionarily motivated to try to get back to a state where you feel secure in the relationship,' Rodman added.
In many of these cases, people feel the only way to manage their anxiety is to immediately try to repair things. But when you're worked up and tired, conversations with your partner won't go as well as when you're calm and rested. In fact, these conversations may even lead to a situation that heightens your anxiety.
Regardless of why you just can't let it go, there are things you can do to settle down enough to get restful sleep.
In some relationships, one person wants to discuss conflict more than the other, Rodman said. That person may worry that if the conversation doesn't happen right away, it never will — meaning the issue will never be resolved and the security and connection in the relationship will never be restored.
That's why experts said it's critical for couples to commit to a time and place to follow up as soon as it's reasonably possible and when you're both in a better state of mind. Anticipating that things will be resolved soon can help calm you enough to sleep.
Couples can also try to maintain any bedtime rituals that reinforce the foundation of the relationship, such as saying 'I love you,' cuddling or kissing each other good night, Romanoff said.
Still engaging in these rituals communicates that your commitment to each other is more important than your current disagreement, offering reassurance without dismissing the conflict and balancing your immediate emotional security with the need for sleep, Romanoff said.
Emotions are generally fleeting, but your commitment to, and care for, your partner likely aren't. You can even say all these things.
If you're reading this tip and thinking, 'If I'm mad, there's no way I'm saying 'I love you,'' that stubbornness is part of what leads to frequent conflict, Romanoff said.
'The more you say, 'I can't learn new ways of engaging,' the less likely the relationship is to work out,' she added. 'In a healthy relationship, people are always learning new skills.'
You don't have to do these things happily or romantically — a monotonous 'I love you' or a brief peck can still go a long way. It's not about denying your anger but about affirming the bond you share, Romanoff said.
Self-regulating can also be important. You could try meditating, journaling, doing breathing exercises or distracting yourself by taking a quick shower or immersing your hands in cold water, Rodman said. Ask yourself, 'How can I handle things in a way that will make my future self proud? How can I care for myself as a parent would care for a child who's upset?'
Learning how to soothe yourself 'is the real deep work that many people do with anxious attachment, especially in therapy,' Rodman said.
Whenever you do have that follow-up conversation with your partner, remember that although arguments are inevitable, how you handle them defines your relationship and sometimes your sleep health, Romanoff said.
'Treat conflicts as opportunities to grow closer, not further apart,' Romanoff added. 'It's not about always maintaining a perfect relationship; it's about growing, learning and progressing through life together, even in the messy moments.'
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