7 Things Empty Nesters Wish They Said Sooner to Their Kids, Therapists Reveal
7 Things Empty Nesters Wish They Said Sooner to Their Kids, Therapists Reveal originally appeared on Parade.
Watching your kids leave home after roughly two decades (or however long) can undoubtedly conjure up many emotions and reflective thoughts.'What was once a bustling home echoing the sounds of kids playing, growing and learning now becomes much quieter, often giving parents a feeling of something missing once their last baby bird flies the coop,' says, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks in Nashville who specializes in life transitions, coping skills and self-esteem.Ahead, she and other therapists share seven things empty nesters wish they told their kids sooner, common feelings parents have when their adult children move out and tips for handling all of that.Related:
First, let's normalize the empty nester experience. Whatever you're feeling, you're far from the only one.'In my work as a therapist, I've supported individuals who feel grief, relief, sadness and even confusion about who they are now and after their child leaves,' says, a trauma-focused counselor who's the owner and clinical director of Turning Points Counseling. 'One of the most common feelings is a deep sense of grief, not just the absence of their child's daily presence, but the loss of a role they've held for so long.', a therapist in Canada who's well-versed in this topic, has also noticed a sense of disorientation due to that major life change. 'It's not just about 'missing them,'' she says. 'It's often an identity shift… It's common for this life stage to bring up questions like, 'Who am I now?' or 'Did I do it right?''Positive feelings and experiences can arise too, though. Turner says parents may rediscover old passions, nurture meaningful relationships and reconnect with personal goals—and we'll discuss that more in a bit.Related:
Once a child leaves home and begins navigating the world on their own, caregivers have time to reflect. Many realize they focused more on their child's achievements than their character, values and unique qualities, Turner says, and that bothers them.El Machkour mentions a phrase like this too. 'It's a reminder of how much kids need unconditional affirmation, especially during their formative years,' she adds.Related:
Oftentimes, caregivers don't focus on personal self-care because they're busy caring for others—and they worry it shows. 'The realization that they haven't modeled the importance of self-care for their kids often comes after they've moved out, so they cannot show them this action,' Kelly says. 'Examples of this include enjoying a quiet moment before life gets busy, appreciating a sunset [or] showing them peace.'
Normalizing the struggle of adulthood can help young adults feel less alone, and parents often feel they didn't do that enough. Perhaps they wanted to encourage the child to make good grades and forgot to say it's okay and normal to make bad ones sometimes too. When they see their children struggling or being hard on themselves, this thought can pop up.'Parents often notice their young adult children feeling overwhelmed with the pressure to succeed or have a clear path,' Turner says. 'In hindsight, they wish they had normalized uncertainty and offered more reassurance around the messiness of becoming.'It's worthwhile to note that a parent being vulnerable and authentic in this way can mean more to an adult child than a parent might realize. 'When they reflect, they realize that modeling humility and emotional honesty could have created more space for real connection,' El Machkour says.Related: What Is 'Lighthouse Parenting'? A Child Psychologist Shares the Benefits
Whether it's investing tips or a reminder to think about retirement early, anything and everything finance is another big one, according to Kelly. Parents may be so used to taking care of their child financially—and seeing their child as, well, a child—that considering a financial conversation didn't come up. That makes sense.
While only two words, 'I'm sorry' can have a significant impact—and empty nesters wish they said it sooner, especially as they reflect on their parenting and want to feel they did 'a good job.''They often reflect on moments they weren't as patient or attuned as they wanted to be, or times they unknowingly projected their own fears or expectations,' Turner says. 'This desire to repair often emerges once there's physical distance, when they're no longer wrapped up in day-to-day parenting and can more clearly see the impact of past dynamics.'Related:
Getting a child ready for college, marriage, the military or wherever they're going can be a busy, mind-consuming thing in which parents forget to offer future support. They may also wish they had suggested or asked their child more than they 'told.''Some empty nesters wish they had asked more open-ended, emotionally attuned questions instead of offering advice or solutions,' El Machkour says.
Yes, travel often comes up too!'They look back and realize maybe they didn't do as much traveling together, and so they didn't show their kids how to travel safely or how to save for travel,' Kelly says. 'Or maybe they weren't as patient and relaxed on trips as they wish they'd been.' She encourages caregivers to give themselves grace when they have these thoughts, validating that traveling with kids is difficult.
You're still a parent and always will be. But what that looks like will be different—and that's okay. 'I encourage them to approach this new dynamic with curiosity and openness, shifting from directing to trusting, from advising to asking,' Turner says. 'It's about allowing their child to step fully into adulthood while staying emotionally present in a supportive, respectful way.'This transition can be one of the hardest, she validates, but it can be rewarding too. She's found that once parents view their children as capable individuals with paths to follow, the relationship becomes more authentic and connected. 'Small changes, like listening without immediately offering solutions, can go a long way in building a lasting, meaningful relationship,' she adds. 'With intention and support, it can become a deeply meaningful time of growth for both parent and child.'Related: 10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
While missing your child and your role as a caregiver is normal and good, don't forget that you're not just a parent. Revisit old hobbies, friendships and roles you may have set aside. 'This might mean returning to long-forgotten passions, exploring creative interests, re-engaging with community, or simply allowing space for rest and reflection,' Turner says. 'Whether through travel, hobbies or spiritual growth, this process of self-discovery can lead to a renewed sense of vitality and purpose.'El Machkour also encourages revisiting interests, friendships and creative pursuits. 'From a psychological standpoint, this helps re-establish a more flexible and resilient self-concept, rather than staying stuck in a role that's no longer active day to day,' she explains.For what it's worth, you're still 'teaching' your kids even when they're adults, so practicing self-care in this way benefits them too. 'An empty nest couple, perhaps, would start planning their retirement bucket list and checking things off,' Kelly says. 'As their children get closer to that point in their lives, they will look back and remember how their parents did it.'Related: This Is the Best 'Slow Living' Hobby for Women Over 50, Psychologists Say
While, ideally, you would have told them those things sooner, it doesn't mean it's too late to do so now. In fact, it might be more effective now.'Sometimes, young people don't care to hear their parents' opinions and might think they know everything there is to know,' Kelly says. 'But, once they've had a little time in the world, they seem to look back and realize maybe their parents had some wisdom.'
Maybe your adult child doesn't want to hear it, or you want a chance to think through what you want to say. Whatever the case may be, don't forget that writing is an option. 'Just keep information—either things they wish they had known as a young person or things specific to their family—in that journal that they can one day hand over to their child,' Kelly says.
'Empty nester' is such a common term, but it may help to adjust your perspective of what that looks like. El Machkour points out that the word 'empty' carries a lot of emotional weight, so she encourages cognitive reframing. 'Shifting the narrative from 'I've lost something' to 'I'm entering a new chapter' can soften the grief and open up new possibilities,' she says.Up Next:Nona Kelly, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in life transitions, coping skills and self-esteem
Racheal Turner, MS, LPC, a trauma-focused counselor
Kenza El Machkour, a therapist in Canada
7 Things Empty Nesters Wish They Said Sooner to Their Kids, Therapists Reveal first appeared on Parade on Jun 5, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 5, 2025, where it first appeared.
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