Unlocking pleasure: How to enhance your sexual experience when orgasms feel out of reach
There is some consensus among sex educators, therapists and real people that orgasm is not as simple as it is made out to be.
But if you're struggling to get there, you're definitely not alone. In fact, research from the National Library of Medicine estimates 10 to 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm. That's millions of people who feel left out of the supposed fireworks, quietly wondering, 'What's wrong with me?'
Let's get real for a second: orgasms are often hyped as the pinnacle of sexual pleasure - those legendary 'big O' moments everyone seems to be chasing.
In a post from Cosmopolitan Evie Plumb, certified sex educator and founder of Cliterally the Best, explains that stress, anxiety, fatigue, hormonal fluctuations, relationship issues, medications like SSRIs or certain medical conditions can contribute to difficulties in reaching orgasm.
There are ways to get closer to pleasure, no matter where you're starting from. Let's bust a myth right away, orgasms aren't just about physical touch. Sure, stimulation matters, but reaching climax is a complex dance involving your brain, hormones, emotions and even your relationship with yourself.
There is some consensus among sex educators, therapists and real people that orgasm is not as simple as it is made out to be. And that's not a failure. It's normal.
Your pleasure matters. Whether you've never orgasmed or just want to deepen your connection with your body, you're not alone and you're not failing.
Everyone's sexual response is different - there's no single 'right' way. So, if you're not climaxing easily (or at all), please know you're not broken. Your body and mind are just responding to a lot of variables, many of which are outside your control.
Why pressure kills pleasure
Here's something every sex expert agrees on - the harder you try to force an orgasm, the further away it feels. Kiana Reeves, intimacy educator and chief intimacy officer, told Goop, 'Anytime you're in the thinking mind, the goal-oriented mind, you're latching onto something and it takes you completely out of sensation.'
In other words, stop treating orgasm like a finish line you're failing to cross. Instead, get curious. Explore what feels good. Let go of what you think 'should' happen. As certified sexologist Michaela d'Artois suggests, treat it like an experiment. Is a soft touch better? Do you prefer lying down or sitting up? Permit yourself to just feel.
Ditch the shame
There's a lot of noise out there about the 'orgasm gap', especially for women and non-binary folks. There's so much messaging about how women don't orgasm through sex with men but have an easier time on their own. That self-judgment, 'I didn't come, I failed' just adds to the pressure.
Make pleasure a priority, literally!
Let's be honest, in our busy lives, we schedule everything that matters. Pilates. Coffee dates. Doctor's appointments. But when was the last time you scheduled, time for your own pleasure? D'Artois argues that putting pleasure on the calendar isn't weird, it's self-care.
'Set the intention and build in time to get comfortable: music, candles, maybe some audio erotica.' Treat solo sex like you would any wellness ritual.
Explore erogenous zones and experiment
Your body is full of nerve endings waiting to be discovered. Try stimulating lubes or oils, maybe soothing CBD, tingly kava, or warming cinnamon. Notice what your body gravitates toward.
'We need a lot of variety to get all of our erectile tissue full and responsive,' says Reeves. For some, arousal oils help blood flow, making everything more sensitive.
Relax, don't clench
A lot of us tense up when we feel close to orgasm. But as Reeves points out, deep, full-body orgasms often come from softening and relaxing, not clenching.
Try this:
Focus on deep, slow breaths
Allow your pelvic floor to relax and 'blossom' open
Pulse between tensing and relaxing, if that helps you tune in
Breathing increases blood flow and relaxes muscles, making it easier to get out of your head and into your body.
Get creative with touch
Vibrators are amazing, but if you're stuck in a rut, try mixing it up: use your hands, non-vibrating toys or even a cool stone wand. Tune into subtle sensations, temperature, texture and pressure.
Remember, pleasure isn't just about orgasm. It's about feeling good, period. If you take nothing else away from this, hear this: Your pleasure matters.
Whether you've never orgasmed or just want to deepen your connection with your body, you're not alone and you're not failing. Curiosity, compassion and a willingness to explore are your best tools. And if you need support, talk to a sex therapist or educator, they're there to help.
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