Salma Hayek, Linda Evangelista and how to successfully co-parent in blended families
Co-parenting can be hard. But celebrities are showing how it's done.
Linda Evangelista, Salma Hayek and French billionaire François-Henri Pinault were all smiles as they huddled together in Instagram photos celebrating their son Augustin Evangelista's high school graduation.
Antonio Banderas recently commented on a photo featuring his daughter Stella Banderas and ex-partner Melanie Griffith: 'Happy to see you all happy!!'
Jennifer Garner also took to Instagram stories to wish her ex-husband Ben Affleck a happy Father's Day, according to a screenshot taken by E! News and Page Six. They share three kids.
What's the secret to a successful co-parenting relationship? Emotional maturity, healthy boundaries, skillful communication and child-focused parenting, said Karen Bonnell, psychotherapist and author of the 'The Co-Parenting Handbook' and 'The Stepfamily Handbook.'
It's 'no small task,' she said. But children ultimately benefit when parents do the work.
'Whether graduations, weddings, moving into a dorm room in the fall – parents who are able to share space responsibly honor their children's special events,' Bonnell said.
In 2023, more than 2.3 million children under 18 lived in stepfamilies, according to data from the U.S. Census Bureau.
Co-parenting exists on a continuum and occurs when two people share a child, Bonnell said. Parallel co-parenting exists at one end of the spectrum, while cooperative co-parenting exists at the other.
Ex-couples practicing parallel co-parenting maintain a formal, rule-driven, low-engagement and 'business-like' relationship as they raise their children, she said. The only things required for it are basic civility, skillful problem-solving and responsible communication.
Cooperative co-parenting describes a more 'collaborative' relationship. Parents may share holidays, transition from one home to the other and maintain a good relationship with stepparents.
'Parents have grieved the end of their intimate partnership freeing them both to devote their co-parenting relationship to working well enough together across both homes on behalf of the children,' Bonnell said.
Co-parenting dynamics typically exist somewhere on the spectrum and may change over time, she said. Children can 'emerge into adulthood whole and healthy' regardless of where parents find themselves on the continuum.
Interesting: Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell are embracing free-range parenting. What is that?
The first step in developing the foundation for a good co-parenting relationship is a thoughtful parenting plan, Bonnell said.
It also takes emotional maturity – 'the capacity to grieve the loss of the intimate partnership, relinquishing dreams that surround being part of an original family and allow the future to be whole and healthy,' she said.
This emotional maturity should include letting go of any resentment, anger and contempt toward a former partner so it doesn't indirectly affect the children. Responsible communication – regarding sports, academics, healthcare and the future – is also key to a successful co-parenting relationship.
Parents should avoid telling children 'adult explanations' of their separation or divorce that can impact how they view their parents, Bonnell said. Children also suffer if they lose their relationship with one parent or if they feel "caught in the middle" of their parents' conflict.
'Divorce is a shift in family structure that involves important change and loss – that said, divorce is not a trauma,' she said. 'What makes divorce a trauma for children is when they are put in impossible situations between their parents, when they are used as pawns or living in ongoing, toxic conflict between their parents.'
Living room or bedroom kid? What it says about your family dynamic
The bulk of parents want what's best for their children and simply need information, support and skills to help coparenting, Bonnell said. But some exes are toxic and prolong conflict that affects children.
Unfortunately, there's not much a parent can do to change their ex-partner's behavior unless it crosses the line to violence or other misconduct that can be addressed in the legal system.
But the good thing about co-parenting is that you don't always need a cooperative ex-partner for it to be successful, Bonnell said.
'Skillful co-parenting doesn't actually need both parents to work together,' she said. 'One parent can commit to healthy, skillful co-parenting regardless of their child's other parent's interest or willingness to participate.'
As long as the parent cares for their children and listens to them, while providing warmth, structure and healthy boundaries, they're able to successfully co-parent regardless of how the other parent responds.
'It's not a question of whether you'll co-parent,' she said. 'The question is how skillfully you will co-parent.'
Adrianna Rodriguez at adrodriguez@usatoday.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Salma Hayek, Linda Evangelista and how to successfully coparent
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