How to be a dad to sons today, according to experts
Ideals of manhood for many people have changed.
In previous generations, being a man meant you provided for your family financially, remained stoic and independent, and rejected parts of yourself with feelings and needs, said Dr. Daniel Singley, a licensed psychologist and founder of the Center for Men's Excellence in San Diego.
However, many of today's men who become dads are looking at that model and deciding it doesn't work for them, Singley said.
The male loneliness epidemic, a crisis of connection, toxic masculinity –– there are many terms for what men are experiencing in the United States, but it is clear that some are struggling when it comes to mental health.
Addressing these mental health concerns and teaching the next generation of boys to become happy, healthy men will take a group effort, said Dr. John Delony, who hosts a mental health podcast and who has a doctorate in counselor education and supervision.
'It's going to take a group of guys like me and older to identify guys and give them resources and say, 'It's OK to feel lost, it's OK to weep, it's OK to go ask for help — in fact you have to,' he said. 'You have to learn that the rules of the game have changed … and that's not a bad thing. But you've got to get some new skills.'
Dads have an important part to play in the development of the next generation of boys, said Judy Yi-Chung Chu, who teaches a class on boys' psychological development at Stanford University.
When studying children at school, Chu noticed that young males quickly absorbed a message that they shouldn't be mama's boys, and so they stopped showing affection to their mothers at the school drop-off, she said.
But then there were the dads. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, dads would be more likely to have their sons in their lap, playing and cuddling, she said. Some of the other boys would even go up to their friends' dads to climb all over them, Chu said.
'There was just this opportunity with a father-son dynamic to really nurture,' she said. 'If the boys are starting to learn that they're not supposed to be girls and they're not supposed to be too much like their mothers, or too close to their mothers, then the father really can step in.'
Engaging in this kind of play and affection shows boys that warmth, kindness and love aren't just feminine qualities –– dads do it, too, Chu said.
A lot of the power for dads comes in the form of modeling. As much as dads can teach their sons directly and guide them in the world, they also provide an example of who their children can aim to be as they grow up, Singley said.
'There are going to be the times when as the dad I'm going to screw up,' he said. 'Then I'm able to go to my son and model for him, taking ownership of that — a direct apology, where I name my behavior and I talk about, 'Hey, I probably looked angry to you. I just want you to know I was also feeling kind of hurt or confused or anxious.''
When many people think of a real man, they see some cartoonish figure of masculinity such as Rambo or Superman, Chu said. Instead, she suggests offering boys examples of good men to look up to.
'When you think of a good man, usually that brings it closer,' she said. A good man is usually 'my uncle, my teacher, my coach –– somebody I really admire, and I can relate to.'
If you want to raise your boys to be happy and healthy, does that mean you have to opt out of all the traditional masculine ideals? Not necessarily, Singley said.
It is important that we don't swap the message that the only way to be a man is to be aggressive and isolated for one that the only way to be a man is to be sensitive, Chu said. Either way, many boys are being told that there is a limit on who they can be and still be accepted, she said.
And there are plenty of areas where traditional ideals of masculinity, such as protection and providing, are appropriate and helpful, Singley said.
'The problem is, then the father tries to only be that version of a man in all circumstances,' he said. 'What most of the research shows is that the ability to be balanced and flexible — to be a traditional guy in one setting, but in another, focus on empathy, compassion, accepting influence from someone else — translates to significantly better psychological and physical health.'
Sometimes, what a dad needs to provide isn't money — it is attunement or care. And sometimes the best way to protect your family is to have an open, emotionally honest conversation, he said.
'Times are changing, and we don't want to be as restrictive or constraining,' Chu said.
Delony has a 15-year-old son, and he is aware that he only has three more summers left before he sends his son out into the world, he said. What Delony is hoping to instill in that time are lessons about how his son should care for himself and others.
'He's got to be able to provide for himself, and he's got to be able to cocreate a world with his partner moving forward. He's got keep his eyes open for people he can serve, people he could take care of. He needs to be a net positive in the world and not a net drain on it,' Delony said.
'He's got to learn some sort of emotional IQ so that he can go into different situations –– whether it's a boardroom, it's a war room or it's a wedding room –– and be able to navigate those with sophistication and in ways that he can love other people.'
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