Flush with excess

Having been reminded by our friend Carmel Kenniff of Randwick that she reads Column 8 over breakfast and having been informed by Graham Lum of North Rocks that 'the ongoing anecdotes about dunnies (C8) are becoming a pain in the butt,' we think now might be a good time to can the toilet talk, but not before we get an archival perspective from Wendy Bull of North Turramurra: 'I remember my history teacher in the '60s, telling us to count our blessings. The ancient Romans used a communal 'sponge on a stick' (called a 'tersorium') which they dunked in troughs of salt water and if there was no sponge available, they'd use shards of old pottery. If they were out in the country then soft growing moss was used. Think I know what I'd prefer!'
'If you were a brewer, Jim Dewar,
You'd gather that steaming manure,
Set up a still,
On top of the hill,
And brew Dewar's Pure Cow-lua.'
For this offering, we thank the epical George Manojlovic of Mangerton.
Richard Stewart of Pearl Beach has been a C8 contributor on and off for a few decades or so and wants to convey in strongest of terms 'I despise fitted sheets and fitted sheets despise me.'
'Years ago the circus, was parked next to our farm,' writes Kate Fraser of Scone. 'It was a very noisy night as something seemed to have disturbed the lions. Next morning, 300 upset dairy cows (C8) were pressed as close as possible to the shed gate. Milk yield was down for a few days.'
Kelvin Atkinson's (C8) premium offering has reminded David Prest of Thrumster that 'nobody's mentioned the man from Waltons who helped housewives plan their budgets.'
On hearing that New Zealand's Finance Minister Nicola Willis said that people leaving the country for Australia was 'an ongoing challenge', which could be addressed by growing the economy, Bill Leigh of West Pennant Hills recalled a statement made in the 1980s by then NZ prime minister Robert 'Piggy' Muldoon when commenting about the increasing exodus: 'New Zealanders who leave for Australia raise the IQ of both countries.'
'Not so sure about the wet newspaper test of sharpness (C8),' says Geoff Carey of Pagewood. 'I remember getting into a lot of trouble for using my mother's dressmaking scissors to cut paper. Apparently, paper blunts the blade.' Not with the good scissors, Geoff!

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Demolition experts go to great lengths

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Sydney Morning Herald

5 days ago

• Sydney Morning Herald

Demolition experts go to great lengths

In an effort to keep the peace and avoid a battle of wills (not to mention 10 Ball Magical Shooters), we're going to put a cap on the home armaments (C8) chapter very soon. But we do have room for Joy Cooksey of Harrington: 'On the aftermath of one cracker night, my brother built himself a pea-shooter. All the powder from the various unexploded crackers was collected and tipped into a piece of steel piping clamped in the workbench vice. But as he rammed down the largest ball bearing available, this supersized pea-shooter was activated. Any reference to the hole in the ceiling always made him think twice before considering any other inventions.' Doug Vorbach and his 'orange cannon' escapade reminded Les Tomlinson of Berowra Heights of his own adventures: 'We used a length of two-inch galvanised water pipe, tuppenny bungers and lemons with devastating effect. We also used metal downpiping and rockets as a makeshift bazooka. When eventually conscripted into the ADF in the mid-1960s, it was probably inevitable that I found myself assigned to an artillery unit.' Kerrie Wehbe of Blacktown remembers a more melodic repurposing of pipes: 'During my years teaching in PNG's Milne Bay Province, the students used PVC pipes with rubber stretched over one end to do the job of the traditional kundu drum. This modern item, among all the traditional grass skirts, shells, plants and feathers, was quite a sight, but it did the job.' Peter Singer of Hamilton South reckons 'HE STOOD CORRECTED' seems like a suitable statement for Richard Stewart's headstone (C8) and adds that 'maybe for someone whose missives for Column 8 are continually ignored it could be 'HE LAYS REJECTED'?' 'Put those know-it-alls in their place, Richard,' implores Col Burns of Lugarno. 'Expand your epitaph to 'HE ONCE STOOD CORRECTED BUT NOW HE RESOLUTELY MAINTAINS HIS POSITION'.' Philip Laird of Keiraville notes that 'the bus stop outside the Wollongong Botanic Garden on Northfield Avenue, and opposite the busiest bus stop in Wollongong at the university's main campus, has a timetable dated January 27, 2015. Since then it's just possible that some services have been added and some withdrawn.' 'If the chicken Bob Selinger (C8) writes about is not claimed, I wonder if its goose is cooked?' ponders Wayne Duncombe of Lilyfield. Either way, Tim Slack-Smith of Castle Hill considers the whole thing 'just a poultry piece of fowl play'.

The Age

6 days ago

• The Age

Epitaph leaves a great impression

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