This Study On Orgasms Should Be Required Reading For Men
Researchers have long known that straight women statistically have fewer orgasms than their male partners. One particularly depressing 2018 study found that 87% of husbands compared to 49% of wives reported consistently experiencing an orgasm.
While you might assume the chasm would close as women aged and became more sexually experienced and assertive in bed, the gap lingers through a woman's lifetime.
But no such orgasm gap exists when women are masturbating, or are having sex with other women ― suggesting the problem lies somewhere in a tilted sexual script shared by men and women.
A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships gives that cultural conditioning a name: the 'orgasm pursuit gap.'
In plain English, lead researcher Carly Wolfer says the orgasm goal pursuit 'refers to how much someone wants an orgasm to happen ― whether it's their own or their partner's ― and how much effort they put into making it happen.'
To figure out how men and women's effort differs, Wolfer, a doctoral candidate in social psychology at CUNY Graduate Center, studied the 21-day online 'sex diaries' of 127 heterosexual adults in monogamous relationships (ages 18-40).
She found that men's orgasms were disproportionately prioritized during sex by both parties: Straight men tend to focus on their own orgasm and feel supported by their partner in that pursuit. Conveniently enough, straight women's focus in bed lies in getting their male partner to climax, too.
Men reported experiencing orgasms in 90% of their sexual encounters, while women reported orgasms in only 54% of their encounters, the researchers found. Men also reported significantly higher levels of overall sexual satisfaction and satisfaction with their orgasms compared to women.
'In our sample, men had 15 times higher odds of orgasming than women in any given sex act,' Wolfer told HuffPost. 'Not because it's 'just naturally harder' for women to orgasm ― a common myth ― but because we put less effort into the sexual practices that support women's pleasure, like clitoral stimulation.'
Part of the problem lies in how we treat penetration as the be-all-end-all goal of sex. That's the most reliable way for a man to climax, but the majority of women reach orgasm through clitorial stimulation. Too often, playing with the clit is treated as 'foreplay,' if it's played with at all. (Speaking of which, guys, now might be a good time to read this article about how to go down on a woman, according to queer women. Or this one about a twist on missionary that emphasizes clit stimulation.)
Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and creator of Finishing School, an online orgasm course for women, wasn't surprised by the findings of the study, which she is unaffiliated with. In Marin's work, she's 'definitely seen that men often feel more entitled to orgasm or view it as a given part of sex.'
This isn't because men are inherently selfish ― it's more about cultural conditioning: We tend to think of men's orgasms as the natural conclusion of sex and during sex, so that's what we're working toward.
Women lose out when penetrative sex is treated as the 'main event,' but men do, too.
'When we focus solely on orgasm, we miss out on the richness of the entire experience — like the intimacy, connection and pleasure that come from simply being present with each other,' she said. 'Orgasm is wonderful, but it's not the only measure of a satisfying sexual encounter.'
For Wolfer, delving into this research was important because of how one-sided the current advice is on closing the orgasm gap.
'So much advice around the orgasm gap focuses on trying to 'fix' women,' she said. 'It's like, 'Get out of your head, speak up, masturbate more.' We see headlines like, 'What women can do about the orgasm gap.' No one was asking: 'What can men do about it? How can men help?''
Women are enculturated to put their pleasure second then subtly chastised for not bringing themselves to orgasm during sex. But this isn't a 'women's issue,' it's a shared couples' issue, Wolfer said.
That's where interdependence theory comes in ― a framework from relationship science that emphasizes how, in close relationships, your outcomes are linked to your partner's. The goal of mutual orgasm could use a little of that understanding.
'When partners work together to support each other's goals — including sexual ones — both people benefit,' Wolfer said.
Interestingly, in Wolfer's study, perceived partner orgasm goal pursuit appeared to be an even stronger predictor of orgasm and sexual satisfaction than personal orgasm goal pursuit alone. In other words, when you feel your partner is deeply invested in you orgasming, you're more likely to get there (or at least walk away without disappointment or in dire need of a vibrator).
Ultimately, closing the orgasm gap requires men's support, buy-in and collaboration.
In fact, her data show that the benefits of pursuing an orgasm for yourself disappear when you feel like your partner isn't supportive. 'So pleasure is fundamentally a shared process. It's about collaboration and mutual care, effort and responsiveness,' she said.
The key takeaway from Wolfer's study 'isn't to count orgasms or make sex feel tit-for-tat,' she said. The goal isn't so much orgasm equality ― where both partners orgasm equally ― but what Wolfer likes to call 'sexual pleasure equity.'
'True pleasure equity means both partners feel supported, seen, and have the opportunity to experience safe and fulfilling sexual experiences, whether that includes orgasm or not.'
How to get closer to 'sexual pleasure equity' in your own relationship.
For women wanting to get their partner more involved, it starts with feeling worthy of pleasure, Marin said. (Spending some time learning how you personally get off during masturbation might be a good goal, too, so you can communicate to your partner what you need.)
'For many women, this means unlearning years of societal conditioning that taught us to prioritize others over ourselves,' Marin said. 'It's about giving yourself permission to see your pleasure as valuable — not just for your partner's ego or the relationship, but for you.'
Be specific about what you need with your partner — whether it's more clitoral stimulation, slower pacing, or just feeling like your pleasure is a priority.
Men need to ask their partner what feels good for her, and really listen.
Use open, nonjudgmental communication to bring it up with your partner, Marin said. 'You could say something like, 'I love being intimate with you, and I'd love for us to explore ways to make it even more enjoyable for both of us. Can we talk about what feels good for each of us and how we can support each other's pleasure?''
Be curious and open to trying new things, like focusing on clitoral stimulation or experimenting with different techniques, she said. 'Communicate during and after sex. Check in with her, not just about what feels good physically, but about how she's feeling emotionally.'
For men, the most important step is to shift the mindset of 'getting' to one of 'giving and sharing,' Marin said. Ultimately, this approach will pay off for both of you and at least get you two one step closer to closing that pesky orgasm gap. This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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