Eurovision star says he considered taking his own life after mental health turmoil
'I thought we were going to be millionaires. I thought I was going to be able to buy my mother out of the council estate. I got a holiday to Crete, that's what I got.'
Former Eurovision singer Joe McCaul has told how he has struggled with mental health for years and even thought of taking his own life – but is coping much better now and is engaged to his partner Mark.
The brother and sister double act Donna and Joe McCaul were selected to represent Ireland at the Eurovision in 2005 in Ukraine with their song 'Love' while Joe was still just 17.
However, they failed to qualify for the finals – coming 14 out of 22 in the semi-final – and Joe has told how he was ridiculed and trolled in the aftermath.
'I thought we were going to be millionaires. I thought I was going to be able to buy my mother out of the council estate. I got a holiday to Crete, that's what I got.'
The Athlone man revealed his lifelong struggle with his mental health and negative side of becoming a household namewhen he spoke to Brenda Dennehy on The Comeback podcast.
Donna and Joseph McCaul
News in 90 Seconds - June 18th
'Remember when we didn't get in, the devastating effect that had on me. I went back to my room, I was only 17, and I struggled very hard because that was more shame, more embarrassment, more rejection. Everyone was going out, and they (Donna and the crew) went to the finals on Saturday night, I didn't go, I just stayed in my hotel room.'
He said when he returned to Ireland he was ridiculed regularly.
'I think over the years, I was nearly taken advantage of. I was made an eejit out of by people, people in the media. That was hard because I was saying, 'Where is my self-worth, why can't I be assertive?'
'I found it very hard to be assertive because I didn't like conflict, and then because I didn't like conflict, if I reacted a certain way, some people would say 'Oh that was very aggressive,' So I couldn't even stand up for myself.'
Joe is the youngest of six siblings and his mother raised them on her own.
'My dad, unfortunately, he's passed away a couple of years ago, but I had no kind of relationship with him. Alcoholism, unfortunately, took over his life and then he moved to London.'
Joe said when a media outlet discovered his father's issue with drink it caused massive stress on the family.
'Once or twice I thought of taking my own life.'
He said he had suffered recurrent intrusive thoughts about suicide from an early age.
'The intensity of it then would probably get a little more if I was under any increased stress or anything significant was happening in my life or something bad was happening… I was always terrified of the thought…I would always be going, f**k, I need to see a psychiatrist.'
In 2015, X Factor producers asked him to audition for the UK show in front of Simon Cowell. He agreed, hoping it would go okay. 'I thought maybe I could have a little breakthrough here.'
However, Cowell described him as an awful performer and stopped him halfway through.
'And then there was the shame, the embarrassment, the rejection, and I just wanted it to be over there.'
They asked him to perform another song.
He took solace from the empathy of presenter Caroline Flack, who died by suicide in 2020, after he was given another chance to perform in front of the judges.
'Caroline Flack, God love her, was with Olly Murs back then, and she was so kind to me and so nice and help me pick a song. She was even singing with me… Caroline Flack had an energy about her. She had her hand over me and it was like a way of apologising for the way I was treated. She had empathy.' Joe said it was one of the lowest moments of his life.
Joe was trolled online in the aftermath.
'The s**t that was put online, I remember my friends used to be sending them to me and the horrible stuff that people were saying. I used to have to say please do not send me this, I don't want to be looking at it.'
He said on the plus side he did a bit of media again in the aftermath and got a few gigs but he still 'really just wanted to forget that whole moment ever existed'.
Joe revealed in 2014 that he had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at the end of 2013,
'I literally just lost the plot then. I think I went on a self-destruct button that was hit. I went off the rails for months.'
He said he was on medication that didn't suit him at the time but has since changed medication and is currently symptom free and in remission.
He said he got back into running that has helped a lot as well as support from his partner Mark and his therapist and family and friends.
'Fitness, running, doing kind of high-intensity interval based kind of training has been my saviour. Not just for my physical heath because that's quite good but for my mental health which is an ongoing struggle that some days I'm really, really shit. But I have really good coping tools and I have a really solid support group around me.'
His sister came out as gay years ago and Joe said when he told his family he was gay as well, it didn't surprise any of them.
'It was like they all kind of new. Donna was more of a shock.
He said he went back studying in recent years doing a business course and a course on mental health before starting teaching in stage schools doing vocals.
"...I met Mark. Mark is already a teacher. He said why don't you go back and do your teaching degree – so I went back and did my degree and I have that nearly four years now. So I am secondary school music and special educational teacher now.'
If you have been affected by issues in this article, call Samaritans free on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.ie; or call Pieta on Freephone 1800 247 247 or text HELP to 51444.
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