I want to watch my girl flirt with another man as it really turns me on but I worry she's too shy
DEAR DEIDRE: The idea of watching my girlfriend flirt with another man really turns me on – but I think she's too shy to do it.
She has promised she'll give it a go for me.
But it's been months since I asked, and it still hasn't happened. She says she hasn't had the opportunity yet.
We've been in a relationship for a year. We're both in our late 20s.
She didn't have many relationships before me, and is a very quiet, sweet person. To begin with, she was into vanilla sex and wasn't very experienced.
That didn't bother me as it made me feel special.
And over the course of our relationship, she's really become much more adventurous. We play sex games and have enjoyed role playing.
She will dress up in school uniform, and I'll pretend to be the teacher. I find her incredibly sexy, and I know lots of other men must envy me for being with such a gorgeous girl.
What I'd really like is to see other guys chat her up and watch her flirt back, knowing that it's me she's coming home to bed with.
Then, as we have sex, she'd tell me every detail of the encounter. She'd describe what it would be like to have sex with them too.
I can't stop myself from fantasising about this.
When I asked her to do it, she seemed surprised, and yet she agreed.
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
But we go out and she won't leave my side. And when she's out with her friends she comes back and says nobody chatted her up — which I find hard to believe.
Is she telling the truth or does she not want to do it? Am I wrong to ask?
DEIDRE SAYS: Wanting to watch or hear about your girlfriend flirting with other guys is a type of cuckolding.
It's possible she hasn't done it because she's shy. Or maybe it simply makes her feel uncomfortable – like she's being disloyal to you.
She might worry you'll feel jealous or stop trusting her.
Remember, this is your sexual fantasy, not hers. It may simply not turn her on.
She said yes to please you, but carrying it out is a completely different matter.
If you care about her, you won't want to make her do anything that she doesn't enjoy.
Perhaps, instead, you could talk about this fantasy in bed in an imaginary way. Ask her to invent scenarios and men.
You might find this is just as much a turn-on – and it's risk-free. See my support pack, Sexual Fantasies And You, for more advice.
THANK YOU FOR... HELPING DAUGHTER STOP SELF-HARMING
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I discovered my 11-year-old daughter was self-harming, I was so anxious.
I already knew she was neurodiverse and had problems expressing her emotions, but realising she was cutting herself – and at such a young age – was terrifying.
I was scared she didn't understand the seriousness of what she was doing, and that she could really hurt herself.
And I realised I had no idea how to help her – and that made me feel like a failure as a mother.
Desperate, I reached out to you. You were so understanding, explaining that often people self-harm as a way of relieving internal pain they cannot communicate.
I appreciated your advice to give her lots of reassurance and hugs, so she knew she was safe and loved.
We've since been in contact with the mental health charity for children, Young Minds (youngminds.org.uk), who are also talking to her school. She seems happier and has not self-harmed recently.
Thank you, Deidre, for your kindness and for taking the time to listen and advise.
DEIDRE SAYS: Young Minds is a great charity, which can help you access trained therapists and psychiatrists.
I really hope things continue to improve for your daughter.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM heartbroken because my ex-boyfriend didn't even care when I was in hospital.
I thought he loved me but it seems what he said was a lie, and I feel like I've wasted years on him for nothing.
We're both 18 and met at school. We were together for two years.
He wouldn't let me be friends with other boys, and when I did well in my exams, he wasn't happy for me.
I had a car accident and he didn't even come to see me.
I've now broken up with him, but I can't get over him.
DEIDRE SAYS: First love is so intense, but I promise in time you will feel happier.
This guy sounds controlling and selfish, and you deserve so much better.
Be kind to yourself and try not to contact him, so you have time to heal.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, will help.
CONTROLLING HUSBAND WON'T LET ME LEAVE HIM
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years in an unhappy marriage, I've realised my husband is a narcissist and our relationship is toxic.
I've asked him for a divorce and he can't accept it. He is love bombing me like he did at the start – sending apologetic messages and saying how good we are together.
But I know none of it is true.
We've been together for 20 years and have two children. I'm 46 and he's 48.
Over the years, he's become increasingly nasty when he doesn't get his way. He's controlling and puts me down.
He made me believe my friends and family didn't care about me, and one by one I've lost nearly all of them.
I believe he likes seeing me lonely and depressed.
My eyes have been opened. I can see our marriage wasn't built on love, but on fear, and I've had to change myself so much that I now feel completely empty.
He's made me so dependent on him that I was afraid he'd leave me. So if I stood up to him, he'd threaten divorce. Last time he did it, I called his bluff and said divorce was what I wanted.
Now he says he can't live without me, and it's not fair to the kids if we break up.
Can you help?
DEIDRE SAYS: It's natural to feel scared and sad. You're grieving the marriage you wished you'd had, and your husband has destroyed your self-esteem to the point that you no longer believe you can manage without him.
But you can build yourself back up.
Talking to a counsellor or a trusted loved one will help you maintain the confidence to consider and even move forward with leaving him.
Getting away from this toxicity would certainly help you and your children thrive.
You need support. Don't be afraid to reach out to your estranged friends and family who probably miss you and worry.
My support pack, Abusive Partner, has details of organisations who can help you.
MEDS DESTROYED MY LIBIDO
DEAR DEIDRE: PRESCRIPTION medication has really helped my mental health, but it has destroyed my libido.
As a result, I haven't had a sex life for several years, and I don't even masturbate any more.
I'm a 30-year-old guy. My last relationship was when I was 24.
I've suffered from depression on and off since I was a teenager.
Luckily, I found a really good doctor who put me on antidepressants and anti- anxiety drugs that allowed me to function normally again.
I've got a good job and social life, and feel pretty stable.
The only thing missing is a relationship. I'd really like to meet someone again, but I don't know how I could.
What woman would be interested in me, if I have no desire to have sex with her?
Should I stop taking the drugs for a while and see what happens?
DEIDRE SAYS: Some antidepressants, such as SSRIs, are known to affect libido and sexual function.
But it's never a good idea to stop taking your medication without a doctor's advice, as you might have unpleasant or dangerous side effects.
See your GP – there may be a different medication that won't affect your sex drive. Or you could be ready to be weaned off altogether.
In the meantime, when it comes to meeting someone, remember the best relationships develop from friendships.
Take time getting to know women as friends so that when you're ready for sex, you're with someone understanding, who likes you for yourself.
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