Is It Rude To Bring Up Somebody's Ex in a Conversation? Here's What Psychologists Think
When you're with your partner, best friend or close family member, conversations can feel endless—in the best way. You can talk for hours about your dreams, your childhood memories and random thoughts that pop into your head at 2 a.m. There's something magical about how words flow so easily when you're with someone who just gets you. It's like building a little world together, one sentence at a time, filled with laughter, curiosity and those quiet, tender moments in between. However, amidst all those beautiful, open-hearted conversations, there's one topic that tends to raise eyebrows and spark hushed debates: exes. But is it rude to bring up someone's ex in a conversation?To get more insight, we reached out to psychologists and . Together, they explain the quiet tension that often surrounds this particular subject, noting how if it's done in the wrong way, it can bring up emotions that aren't always easy to deal with. Because of this, they share several ways you can cautiously have a conversation about your own ex or a friend/family member's ex in a way that's respectful, while also highlighting scenarios you want to avoid because it might come across as rude or even hurtful. That way, if you ever feel the need to mention someone from the past, you'll be better prepared to approach the conversation with care. It just goes to show that sometimes it's not about what you have to say, but how you say it—and being mindful of a person's feelings can make all the difference in keeping your connection strong and respectful. Related:This Is the #1 Mistake People Make During Small Talk, Jefferson Fisher Warns
'In short, bringing up [an] ex is like opening an old wound during a new chapter, which is why it's best to leave the drama behind you and focus on writing a fresh, exciting story,' Dr. Dixon advises. 'After all, the future's too bright to be held hostage by the past.'Dr. Carinia agrees and explains that this includes talking about your own ex as well.'Talking about your ex while you're having a conversation with someone you're dating or in a relationship with can be considered rude because this can evoke feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or sadness in the other person and therefore can be considered rude to bring up,' she shares.
However, they provide some additional insight including how to bring up exes without being insensitive—as well as instances when they'd never bring up an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.Related:
'If a person mentions their ex during a romantic date, it can imply that they are not fully invested in the current date,' Dr. Carinia notes. 'This can make the other person feel less valued or like they are being compared to their date's ex, which may create insecurity and discomfort.'
If you ever consider talking about your ex while with friends who know both you and your ex-partner, our experts say it's best not to. 'Bringing up your ex around mutual friends you share can bring about discomfort, forcing them to navigate their own opinions about your ex,' Dr. Carinia explains.
"Discussing your sibling's ex with them or your family is disrespectful because it invades your brother/sister's emotional privacy and shows insensitivity to their feelings," Dr. Dixon points out. "No matter how close you are to your sibling's ex, you must maintain appropriate boundaries and respect towards your sibling. Being friends with your sibling's ex doesn't justify putting your relationship with them above your sibling's emotional well-being. Make sure you don't unintentionally reopen old wounds or create the impression that your sibling's feelings are being dismissed. It's best to respect their space and avoid bringing up their ex in family conversations unless your sibling starts that subject."
Dr. Dixon elaborates why mentioning your ex all the time when you're speaking to your current partner can be rude. 'If you praise your ex, it can make your new partner wonder if they're auditioning for a supporting role in a soap opera and they may have thoughts like, 'Are you still longing for your past love?' or worse, they may feel like you're comparing them," she explains. "On the flip side, if you trash your ex, it will come across as bitter, like you're still nursing a grudge. Neither vibe is particularly welcoming or conducive to building trust with someone new you're dating.'
'If you're discussing [the] future with someone, bringing up an ex (no matter if it's yours or the person's ex you are talking to) may suggest you are still emotionally attached to the past," Dr. Carinia shares. "This can be frustrating for your partner, friend or family member who seeks clarity and reassurance.'
"Talking about a friend's former partner during group discussions is impolite and something you should never do since you don't know how they feel about their past breakup," Dr. Dixon explains. "Discussing your friend's ex during a conversation is dangerous because you might activate emotions they're unaware exists. When you bring up their former partner during conversation they face an uncomfortable dilemma about whether to share details from their past or remain quiet."Related:
If you're unsure how your partner feels about discussing past relationships, our experts say asking them directly will help you know if it's a sensitive topic for them or not. 'Ask your boyfriend or girlfriend what their comfort level is when it comes to talking about your exes,' Dr. Dixon proposes. 'Check in with your partner about how much they want to know. For instance, saying something like, 'Is there anything you'd like to know about my past? I want to be open with you.' Then you can go from there.'Related:
If you want to bring up someone's ex in a conversation, Dr. Dixon says the best way to do so is by using empathetic language and acknowledging their situation."Be sure to approach it with both empathy and understanding," she tells Parade. "If they seem at peace with the breakup, you could say something like, 'I know that was a tough time, but I'm glad you're doing okay now.'"However, if they are not in a good place and still seem upset, it's best to respond with compassion. "In those instances, show respect for their limits by honoring their wish not to talk about it," she explains. "When you show authentic support and allow others to guide the conversation, you maintain a respectful and caring interaction."
Instead of just mentioning your ex or someone else's ex out of the blue where it can seem incredibly insensitive, Dr. Dixon advises that you should only do so when it makes sense to. 'Wait for a natural moment or if someone asks about them, then share,' she explains. 'For instance, you could say something like, 'That's a good question. I think my previous relationship taught me a lot about compatibility and communication, which I'm now applying in our relationship.''
'When it comes to talking about [an] ex, your focus in a conversation should be about personal experiences or lessons learned rather than the emotional aspects of [the] past relationship,' Dr. Carinia explains. 'By doing so, you minimize the chance of offending or hurting the feelings of the listener. For example, if you're hiking with your current partner you might say, 'My ex was into hiking; that's how I got into it myself.' This presents a connection to a shared interest rather than focusing on the relationship itself, allowing for a smoother transition in conversation. It becomes about the transition to the topic 'hiking', not about the ex.'
Instead of guessing whether it's alright to mention someone's ex, Dr. Dixon says you can ask your friend or family member in a polite and genuine way."If you're uncertain about someone's readiness to talk about their ex, you should ask them directly with a question such as, 'Are you comfortable if we discuss this or would you rather avoid it?' Dr. Dixon shares. "Do not initiate conversations about their ex's new relationship or other delicate subjects unless they indicate a desire to talk about them. The most effective approach to addressing sensitive subjects is through supportive (yet light) conversation so that you avoid subjects that could cause them emotional pain without you realizing it."
Dr. Carinia points out that it's okay to talk about your ex when that helps you set healthy boundaries in your current relationship. 'By focusing on personal growth emphasizes that the discussion is about self-improvement rather than dwelling on the past,' she reveals.She says an example of how you could phrase this could be, "I learned a lot from my past relationship with my ex—especially about communication.'
Related:
'In your new relationship, remember to refrain from comparing your current partner to your ex, as this can create insecurity or feelings of inadequacy,' Dr. Dixon points out. 'Instead, focus on appreciating your partner for who they are without referencing past relationships in a comparative way.'She adds that you can go about doing this by saying something that you want to change in your current relationship that you didn't do in the past. 'You can say, 'I've learned that every relationship is unique, and I want to focus on building something special with you. My past experiences with people have helped me understand what I value in a partner, but I really see us as our own relationship,'' Dr. Dixon suggests.
'When choosing to mention a person's ex, it's important to have the right timing for it to be received well,' Dr. Carinia explains. She goes on to say what she means by that is if you mention somebody's ex during a more light-hearted conversation, it will likely be taken better than if you do during a serious one, which might provoke various emotions—including discomfort—with whoever you're talking to.
'You want to keep in mind who you're talking to before bringing up someone's ex,' Dr. Carinia tells Parade. 'You should ask yourself if they are a self-confident person who is not easily triggered before you bring them up. If they are, then they shouldn't be affected that much and they'll be able to get your point most likely without getting offended. However, if they are the opposite, the recipient will probably have different perspectives and might feel insecure or offended, and unable to hear what you're actually trying to say. In that case, your message will get lost while the recipient ends up feeling upset, which may affect the rest of the conversation.'
When speaking of exes, our experts say you should try to encourage your partner to open up about their past too. 'Make sure the discussion is balanced and that your current partner has the opportunity to share their feelings or experiences as well,' Dr. Dixon states. 'You don't want it to appear like an interrogation or one-sided disclosure, so try something like, 'Is there anything from your past relationships you feel comfortable sharing? I'd love to hear about your experiences too.''Up Next:Dr. Patricia Dixon, a licensed clinical psychologist
Dr. Stephanie Carinia, a licensed clinical psychologist
Is It Rude To Bring Up Somebody's Ex in a Conversation? Here's What Psychologists Think first appeared on Parade on May 27, 2025
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