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The Guardian
4 days ago
- General
- The Guardian
A moment that changed me: I stepped into the boxing ring – and decades of quiet anger lifted
On meeting me, you would never guess that I used to be an angry person. I'm talkative, sociable and self-possessed – but for nearly 20 years I lived with a quiet fury. It started with my parents, whose strict conservatism restricted everything in my life: what I ate, what I wore, where I went, what I thought. As immigrants from Bangladesh, they believed that control was the best way to protect their daughters, but it suffocated me. I had to fight to go to university – for all the things that men in my community were given as a right. At first, my anger felt ambient – mild and ever-present – but it became something harder, more bitter, when I was pressured into an arranged marriage at the age of 24. The marriage lasted days, but the fallout lasted decades. I remember researching a magazine feature years later and speaking to a relationship expert who referenced my 'forced marriage'. I was quick to jump in and say: 'It was arranged; not forced.' She tilted her head gently and said, 'An arranged marriage you did not want?' It was the first time I realised how angry I was. My anger manifested in different ways. I was irritable and snappy with my mother, emotionally guarded in relationships, and fiercely self-sufficient when it came to money. I never again wanted to be in a situation I could not easily escape. I considered therapy, but the cultural context in which I grew up does not sit easily with western techniques. I can't imagine explaining my anger to my mother or expecting some form of apology. Instead, I accepted that anger was something I would just have to live with. Then, in the spring of 2023, I walked into a boxing gym. I had never boxed before but I wanted to try it so that I could depict it accurately in the novel I was writing. I remember standing sheepishly by the ring at Mickey's Boxing Gym in east London while the eponymous Mickey finished his morning class. He noticed me and told me to warm up ahead of our one-to-one session. I had never been in a gym before, let alone a boxing one, and had no idea how to 'warm up'. I retreated around the corner, out of view, and fiddled with my phone instead. As the morning class filtered out, I gingerly returned to the ring. We began with some basic footwork and the fundamental punches: the jab, the cross, the hook. We worked in three-minute 'rounds', punctuated by 30-second breaks, all announced by a digital bell. Midway through the session, we moved on to the pads. Mickey held up two padded mitts and called out different combinations – patterns of punches I had to land on the mitts. As I punched, he called out instructions – 'keep your chin down', 'let me hear you breathe', 'hide behind your shoulder' – and then came the moment that changed things for me. 'Hit harder,' he instructed. I punched. 'Harder!' I punched again, the sweat dripping off me. 'Harder! Use your power!' I punched again with all my strength. 'Let me hear you!' he shouted. I cried out loud as I punched – an ugly, guttural sound, so different to everything I'd been taught. In that moment, I didn't have to be demure, delicate or diplomatic. I could be as fierce and angry as I wanted. I pounded the pads, shouting out with each punch. Over the course of those three minutes, I felt my anger lift: the years, maybe decades, of it. The bell sounded and I crumpled on to the ropes, sweaty and euphoric. I was emotional as I took off my gloves. I felt lighter, freer, unchained from something heavy. I went home and told my partner: 'I think I've finally found my sport.' This was revelatory. South-Asian women are one of the least active demographics in the UK and the idea of finding 'my sport' – and that sport being boxing – felt somehow absurd. The two sessions I had booked for research turned into two years of boxing. As a result, I am much calmer, happier and more patient. Best of all, I no longer dread spending time with my mother. Where once I found it emotionally draining, I now know that an hour in the gym will re-energise me. Boxing has given me a sense of equilibrium that was missing for so much of my life. After decades of battling my anger, I have finally found some peace. The guys at the gym often ask if I'll ever take part in a boxing fight. They say that, after two years of training for three to four sessions a week, with dozens of sparring partners, I'm ready to get in the ring for real. I smile and tell them that I only box for fun. What I don't say is that I've already won the longest fight of my life. What Happens in the Dark by Kia Abdullah is published 19 June
The Sun
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Sun
How to avoid falling for a Man Child on the dating scene & the tell-tale sign you're already seeing one without knowing
THE dating world is hard to navigate as it is, with more apps than anyone could know what to do with, ghosting, red flags and more. Now, the term 'Man Child' has been thrown in there too, as Sabrina Carpenter's latest single has singletons calling out their ex flames. 2 2 The term describes a man who acts like a child in a relationship, or just in general. That includes emotionally immature men who can't, or won't, give their partner support. They might be immature, unreliable and irresponsible, leaving you to pick up their slack - the last thing you want in a long term commitment. Luckily, dating app Hily relationship expert Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, shared with the Daily Mail the tell-tale signs to be on the lookout for if you're either trying to avoid dating a Man Child, or wondering if you're already seeing one. According to the pro, one easy way to figure out a person's emotional maturity is to pay attention to how they handle conflict in different areas of their life. 'Their answer can tell you a lot — like if they're self-aware, whether they stick it out when things get rough, and how well they keep their cool (or not)," Marisa explained. Another indicator if a potential lover is a Man Child or not is if they did the work on themselves by going to therapy and learning skills to regulate their emotions. 'You'll get a sense of what they need, how they handle things, and maybe even how they deal with stress or think about mental health,' the expert explained. Another good was is to ask your potential suitor what they're most proud of in their life. This way, the pro explained, you can hear about their big wins and how they "handled any curveballs along the way." Love Island fans call Islander a 'red flag' as he makes shock dating admission It's pretty normal to talk about past relationships when getting to know someone you might be romantically interested in, but avoiding basic questions is the key to really getting to know someone. Instead of asking when their last relationship was, for example, the dating pro suggested asking what they learned from it. 'Basically, you're seeing if they've taken time to reflect, process the ups and downs, and figure out how to do better next time,' the expert said. According to VeryWellMind, if your man doesn't help around the house you should be on high alert. "If asked to help with chores, an immature person might respond petulantly. "They might need to be bribed or demand compensation for performing tasks that are simply a routine part of keeping a home and functioning as a responsible adult." Not only that, put their partner might need to remind them to shower, brush their teeth and perform basic hygiene tasks. If a man is acting like Peter Pan, you could easily fall into the trap of being his Wendy, meaning you could end up unconsciously encouraging his behaviour by acting like his mum. You might even enjoy being able to comfort and look after him in the early days of the relationship, the pros noted. "Initially, you might have felt attracted to and enjoyed these aspects of your partner's personality. "As your relationship progressed (perhaps even to marriage), however, you might have become exhausted by, or even resentful of, your partner's immature behaviour." 15 Relationship red flags to look out for Red flags are warning signs that indicate unhealthy or manipulative behaviour. When you encounter relationship red flags, it's a good time to pause and reflect on the dynamic you really share with that person. Overly controlling behaviour Lack of trust Feeling low self-esteem Physical, emotional, or mental abuse Substance abuse Narcissism Anger management issues Codependency Inability to resolve conflict Constant jealousy Gaslighting Lack of emotional intelligence Negatively affecting your relationship with family and friends Inability to communicate openly Lack of social connection or friends For more advice and support, Relate is available: "Whether it's your relationship with a partner, a child, a family member or anyone else - we help everyone to build better relationships."
Daily Mail
01-06-2025
- General
- Daily Mail
Expert reveals the 'desperate' text you shouldn't send if you want a second date
Dating in 2025 can be a hugely stressful and complicated affair as most singletons know all too well. Many people go on enjoyable dates, and then are surprised when the person they shared a pleasant evening with just disappear. This can be especially galling when everything seemed to go well, and a second date seemed to be in the bag. Not knowing what went wrong can mean daters are left questioning their behaviour, ruminating on what happened - and why. According to sex and relationship expert Anita Fletcher, many daters are likely jeopardising their chances of securing a second date by sending 'desperate' text messages that can put off a prospective partner. She said: 'We've all been there, but some texts scream desperation louder than others.' Anita has identified six texting mistakes people make that can make them appear desperate and needy, and come across as red flags to potential partners. 1. 'Hey, you there?' (The desperation check-in) This seemingly innocent message is a major red flag, according to Anita. She explained that sending it multiple times throughout the day shows you're constantly checking if they're available – and that you have nothing better to do. 'This text reveals anxiety about being ignored,' she said. 'It puts pressure on the other person to respond immediately, which feels suffocating in early dating.' Better alternative: Wait until you have something specific to say. Try: 'Just saw that new coffee place you mentioned! Have you tried their cold brew?' 2. The triple text trap Message 1: 'Hey! How's your day?' Message 2: 'Hello???' Message 3: 'Guess you're busy…' Nothing says needy like bombarding someone with multiple messages when they don't respond fast enough. This behaviour shows you can't handle even brief periods without validation. 'Triple texting demonstrates poor emotional regulation,' said Anita 'It suggests you'll be high-maintenance in a relationship.' Better alternative: Send one thoughtful message and give them time to respond. If they don't reply within 24 hours, move on gracefully. 3. 'Why aren't you responding?' Asking people why they aren't instantly replying to messages 'reveals deep insecurity and an inability to respect boundaries', according to Anita This confrontational text is relationship kryptonite. Demanding explanations for response times shows controlling behaviour before you've even met in person. Fletcher notes: 'This message reveals deep insecurity and an inability to respect boundaries. It's manipulative and will make anyone run for the hills.' Better alternative: Simply don't send it. People have lives outside their phones. If someone consistently ignores you, take the hint. 4. The Overshare Avalanche 'I had such a terrible day at work and my boss yelled at me and then I got a parking ticket and my mum called about Thanksgiving drama and I'm so stressed I can barely function…' Dumping your emotional baggage via text before establishing a real connection is overwhelming and inappropriate. 'Early dating should be fun and light,' Fletcher advises. 'Save the heavy stuff for when you've built trust and rapport.' Better alternative: Keep early texts upbeat. Try: 'Work was intense today! Looking forward to unwinding. How was your day?' 5. 'I Miss You' (After one date) Texting someone to say 'I miss you' after just one date comes across as needy and suggests unhealthy attachment patterns Declaring intense feelings too soon is a classic needy move. Telling someone you miss them after minimal interaction suggests unhealthy attachment patterns. 'This text implies you're already emotionally dependent on someone you barely know,' Fletcher warns. 'It's too much, too fast.' Better alternative: Express enjoyment without intensity: 'Had a great time last night! Would love to do it again soon.' 6. The Validation Seeker Fishing for compliments or reassurance through text screams insecurity. These messages put the other person in an awkward position of having to boost your ego. Fletcher explains: 'Confidence is attractive. Constantly seeking validation suggests you don't believe in your own worth.' Better alternative: Build confidence through actions, not texts. Focus on sharing interesting thoughts or planning fun activities instead. Discussing why people send needy texts after just meeting someone, sex and relationship expert Anita Fletcher said: 'Most people send needy texts because they're operating from a place of fear – fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, or fear of not being good enough. 'When someone doesn't respond immediately, anxious attachers spiral into worst-case scenarios. They think silence means disinterest, when really the other person might just be in a meeting.' According to Anita, the irony is that in being needy, the texter 'creates exactly what we're trying to avoid – rejection'. She continued: 'When we bombard someone with desperate messages, we're essentially saying "I don't trust you to like me unless I constantly remind you I exist". That's exhausting for the recipient. 'My advice? Put down the phone and work on yourself. The best relationships happen when two complete people choose to share their lives, not when one person desperately clings to another for validation. Remember, the right person won't need constant texts to remember you exist – and you won't need constant reassurance that they care.'
