Latest news with #intimacy
Daily Mail
16 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Intimacy by Ita O'Brien: How Normal People can have great sex
Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires by Ita O'Brien (Ebury Press £16, 384pp) When Ita O'Brien was growing up in a strictly traditional Irish Catholic family where no one ever mentioned menstruation, let alone sex, she had no inkling her career would involve sitting with actors, offering them choreographic suggestions as to how they might simulate an orgasm. Yet as a sought-after intimacy coordinator for films and television, this is exactly what O'Brien does. Not just the orgasm, but the whole build-up – which she strongly believes should be given time and space. Her mission is to make sex scenes realistic as well as sexy, while respecting actors' boundaries. While there isn't enough time in an hour-long episode to film the full 20 minutes (on average) that it takes for a woman to be 'ready for penetration', the gradualness should be hinted at. In her thought-provoking 'field guide to intimacy', O'Brien becomes an intimacy coordinator for us all, drawing on her filming work to give us helpful tips on how we should make our real-life sex lives both realistic and sexy, while respecting each other's boundaries. People have asked her to visit their bedrooms to help coordinate their sex lives. She does not do that; but this book is the next best thing. Best known for her coordination of the mutually respectful but highly erotic sex scenes between Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones 's characters in the BBC drama Normal People (2020), O'Brien is justifiably proud of her work (which also includes It's A Sin, Gentleman Jack, and I May Destroy You). Viewers of Normal People were 'profoundly affected', she writes, by the scene in which Connell (played by Mescal) and Marianne (Edgar-Jones) make love for the first time. 'Are you sure you want this?' Connell asks. When Marianne nods, he says: 'If it hurts, I'll stop.' A bit later, he asks: 'Does it hurt?' 'A bit.' And then she says: 'It's nice.' And they tenderly make love. I remember how captivated we all were by the eroticism as well as the charm of that series during the first lockdown. Those scenes 'helped viewers remember all the joy and gorgeousness of their first relationships as teenagers, and how unsure they felt'. 'The prospect of bringing something to the screen that I felt was representative of the reality of young people in love having sex was really exciting to me,' O'Brien writes. Sex is too often portrayed unrealistically. 'All that bumping and grinding, the thrusting and heads thrown back in simulated ecstasy, rarely bears much relationship to people's own experience of their sexual encounters. We see penetration after 30 seconds of kissing. Is that how it happens in your life? No!' The film world certainly needed someone like O'Brien. Before the arrival of intimacy coordinators, directors just used to tell actors to get on with it. Actress Gemma Whelan describes the multiple intimate sex scenes she had to do in Game Of Thrones as 'a frenzied mess'. 'Action! Just go for it!' the director would shout at the actors. 'Bit of boob biting, then slap her bum and go!' Of her role in the Scandi-noir series The Bridge, Swedish actress Sofia Helin said: 'It's tense every time you have to cross your own boundaries in order to satisfy a director's needs.' Dakota Johnson wishes intimacy coordinators had existed when she was filming Fifty Shades Of Grey. 'I was just kind of thrown to the wolves on that one,' she said. Things have moved on since then. O'Brien's four main tenets are: open communication, agreement and consent, clear choreography, and closure. Her sessions involve deep breathing exercises to make actors fully present in their own bodies and aware and respectful of their partner's physical presence. In one exercise, she advises them to put their right hand on each other's hearts, and their left hand over their partner's hand on their heart, and 'feel the movement of the energy and the dance between you'. That's just one of many build-up exercises, some of which verge on the woo-woo. There's a great deal about the seven chakras, and a lot of visualising of waterfalls, and your own lower body as 'the base of a tree putting roots deep into the earth'. When it comes to advising us on how to improve our own intimate lives, or at least how to avoid our sex lives from rusting up over a long marriage, O'Brien says self-love and self-esteem are most important. Look into a mirror and say: 'I choose to love myself. I am enough. I believe in myself.' She advises gazing into the eyes of your partner for 60 seconds at a time, and 'sharing your wonderings'. Gaze at the stars together, as she and her partner do; stand in bare feet on the grass in order to be fully rooted in your body. She advises us to be honest about what we do and don't want, and how that might change over time, and to dare to talk about it although it can be 'difficult and embarrassing'. She invites us to 'take a hand mirror and to explore and get to know your vulva'. I might give that one a miss. To remind us how unique every vulva is, O'Brien gives us a full page of drawings of different-shaped ones, from an art work by Jamie McCartney called The Great Wall of Vulva, which portrays 400 of them. Not a work to show to the older generation in Catholic Ireland, perhaps. Yet I liked the advice she quotes from the sex therapist Linsey Blair: we should regard intimacy as a kind of tapas menu. 'You order in bite-size chunks; you don't just think every sexual encounter has to be a three-course meal leading to penetration and orgasm.' Sometimes 'doing small things every day is more intimate than a three-course extravaganza once every three months'. 'Tuesday sex' is what she calls the ordinary stuff, which many of us might hope to keep up as a habit over a long lifetime. This is very different from 'Nine And A Half Weeks sex' (named after the film of the same name). Online porn has made too many young people think sex must be of the latter variety. Whereas, in reality, 'intimacy is rarely spontaneous' – and can be just as satisfying if you schedule it into the diary. Most importantly, O'Brien reminds us, 'it's possible to have intimacy without sex, and sex without intimacy'.
Daily Mail
a day ago
- General
- Daily Mail
Relationship coach reveals common mistake that kills intimacy with your partner
An expert has identified a relationship mistake many people make that can 'erode intimacy' with one's partner. Katarina Polonská, an Oxford-educated relationship coach, said intimacy between two partners breaks down when one person holds back their 'honest truth'. In a TikTok video, the expert outlined five mistakes that she's made in previous relationships, adding that she refused to bring them into her marriage now. Katarina said: 'Maybe you're feeling something, maybe you're feeling a little bit off, maybe you're holding resentment, maybe you don't really trust them, maybe something's coming up for you that you don't really like about them. 'You're not telling them. [OR], if you're telling them, you're holding back the extent of which it's true for you, right?' The relationship coach, who is also trained in mindfulness and hypnotherapy, amongst other therapeutic practices, told viewers that they must stop holding back their truth, arguing that it 'is literally eroding intimacy'. She said: 'Stop holding back your truth. That is literally eroding intimacy because you're not giving them a fair chance to respond to your truth. 'Because maybe they would step up and actually meet you where you need to get met.' To ensure closeness in a romantic relationship, being open and honest with a partner is paramount, according to Katarina. The UK-based expert revealed four other mistakes that are bound to negatively affect a romantic relationship. While it's normal for the beginning of a relationship to be filled with excitement and passion, it is a mistake to assume that the whole relationship will be like that. Katarina said it is wrong to assume 'that love is somehow meant to be like this constant high'. She explained that the 'passion and romance' which fills the honeymoon period is simply not meant to continue. 'Secure relationships are steady, they're peaceful, they're honestly quite boring,' Katarina pointed out. 'They're not meant to be roller coasters of up and down.' In fact, if someone is chasing 'the really high highs and the really low lows' which characterise the first few months of a new relationship, it may indicate that the person needs to do some therapeutic work. Katarina said: 'You're going to have some core patterns there that are showing up that aren't the healthiest - and you're going to want to shift those.' The third mistake that can spell trouble for a romantic relationship is talking about it to friends and family about it. She said: 'Don't talk about your relationship to anyone other than a qualified professional.' The relationship expert explained that if you air 'all your concerns and how unhappy you are to your friends and family', you're likely to receive a wide range of opinions - 'none of them qualified, all of them projections'. Rather than being helpful, the perspectives of others can prevent someone from finding a way forward with their partner. Acknowledging that someone's friends and family will only want the best for them, Katarina nevertheless argued: 'You can't really take their advice because their advice isn't all that qualified. 'It's full of bias, it's very subjective - so keep your relationship private.' According to Katarina, it is wrong to assume that 'relationships have to be hard work.' While relationships require 'work' and 'effort', they're 'not meant to be heavy,' she explained. 'Your relationship is not meant to be a breeding ground for you struggling, having anxiety and insomnia, and second guessing.' Katarina added: 'Your relationship is meant to be a safe space where you feel peaceful.' The fifth and final mistake that too many people make in their romantic relationships is allowing their 'ego' to take over - something which is obvious if someone finds that they want to play games, for example. She said: 'If you find yourself wanting to be right, or having your ego be a little bit stubborn, or wanting to play games with them, or keep things to yourself - to somehow have more control in the dynamic - that's your ego running the show.' Katarina stressed that 'ego' has no place in a happy romantic relationship. 'You have to put your ego aside and allow yourself to be kind, to be generous, to be forgiving, if you want to ne happy and healthy in love,' she concluded. Fellow TikTokers were quick to share their opinions on Katarina's video, revealing which relationship mistakes they were guilty of. One appreciative person said: 'This is the first sound marriage advice I've seen on TikTok. 'Entitlement culture and unreasonable expectations from both men and women are making marriage impossible. 'Many relationships are already failing during the courting phase.' Another added: 'I'm on the right side of TikTok, many relationships have ended because partners went to their friends for advice, which was biased, and the funny part was that their friends were single'. While a third appeared pessimistic when they said: 'I don't think men can handle all the truth'.
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Vogue
a day ago
- Entertainment
- Vogue
To Look with Love
AG: Your work often revolves around the act of seeing and being seen. How do you understand this dynamic—especially in photography—where the camera can be both a tool of intimacy and of distance? JTD: The idea of seeing and being seen is a significant part of my work. There is immense power in letting yourself be fully seen by another person—it's a heightened form of intimacy. Through photography, I am able to make space for others to be seen as they are, which can be particularly important for queer and trans people, as we are not often represented in the mainstream. My photographs are also very personal and speak to the way I see myself and others. Harry and Janie, 2024 AG: In an era saturated with images, what does it mean for you to create portraits that invite slowness, presence, and reciprocity? JTD: With my work, I aim to slow down, both while photographing and in the exhibition space. When I'm making a portrait, I work slowly and collaboratively, creating a framework in which a real emotional exchange can take place between me and the subject. In the exhibition space, I invite viewers to spend time, take a long look, and reflect on their own identities and lives through the act of engaging in moments of intimacy with others.
Daily Mail
2 days ago
- Health
- Daily Mail
Revealed: The X-rated sex practice older women are choosing to boost lacklustre love lives - as 70 per cent say they're starved of intimacy
Most coupled-up women over 50 are unsatisfied in the bedroom and some are resorting to extreme methods to compensate, a survey has suggested. The poll found that 69 per cent of older women aren't happy with their sex lives, with one in 20 women so starved of intimacy they have considered paying for sex. An additional 11 per cent debate having an affair to boost their love life. The poll suggested that male difficulties with erectile dysfunction could be driving these bedroom busts. Of the men surveyed in the poll, almost half (44 per cent), admitted they avoid sex with their partner because of erection problems. However stress was another common reason for dodging intimacy, as well as back pain. Just under one in five men said they had previously faked an illness to get out of love making. Lorraine Grover, a psychosexual therapist, said the results were sadly unsurprising. 'These findings highlight how intimacy can quietly fade in long-term relationships as couples reach midlife and beyond,' she said. 'Many assume desire naturally declines with age, but emotional closeness and sexual satisfaction remain crucial for a healthy relationship well into later life. 'When those disappear, it can leave partners feeling isolated and, sometimes, desperate.' However, she added that for men suffering from erectile dysfunction—sometimes called 'ED'—there are a range of potential solutions. 'It's common for men in particular to feel deeply troubled by declining sexual function but too embarrassed to discuss it, even with their partner,' he said. 'Many still see ED as a personal failure rather than a treatable medical condition, which puts relationships at risk. Starting the conversation is the first step to finding help.' Professor David Ralph, a consultant urologist at University College London Hospitals, said fortunately there are now a range of effective treatments. 'There are more treatment options than ever for managing ED—not just oral medications but also medical devices which offer a more permanent fix and according to clinical data, helping 85 percent of men within a month,' he said. While problems maintain an erection can be due to mental health issues, it can also be a potential sign of serious, and potentially deadly, health problems. These include issues like high blood pressure or high cholesterol, diabetes as well hormone imbalances and mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Impotency is thought to effect about half of men over 40. While most cases are isolated and nothing to worry about, repeated or sustained episodes of erectile dysfunction should be checked out by a GP. The new poll, of 2,000 people over 50 in committed relationships by impotency tech company Vertica Labs, also revealed it wasn't just women facing an unsatisfactory sex life. Almost half of married men surveyed, 46 per cent, also described the intimacy acts in their relationships as either 'non-existent' or 'under par'. While dissatisfaction in the bedroom can put a relationship in peril numerous studies suggest a lack of sex and intimacy can also be bad for your health. Regular sex and intimacy have been linked to several health benefits, including improving the condition of your heart, reducing stress and even boosting mental health. The new research follows a separate poll of 2,000 adults by the Royal College of Occupational Therapists which found men and women typically have sex 46 times a year—once every eight days. But some have far less frequent amorous activity, with a tenth reported having sex less than once a year. Earlier this month, researchers at the University of Manchester, also revealed women who have sex at least once a week are the happiest in their relationships. Their study showed that 85 per cent of women who had sex once a week described themselves as 'sexually satisfied'. Separate research, published last year, also suggested its not just the over 50s with a lust for life. A survey found 53 per cent of over 75s wanted to remain sexually active as they aged.
The Guardian
3 days ago
- Health
- The Guardian
We use silly voices with each other – and it makes it hard to have a sex life
My wife and I have been together for seven years. I honestly can't remember the last time we had sex – it's been at least a few years. For most of our relationship, I've taken on the role of caretaker. She struggles with anxiety, was recently diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and often needs a lot of emotional hand-holding. Over time, it's taken a toll on how I see our relationship. We also fell into a habit of using silly, childish voices with each other. What started out as playful has ended up making me feel more like her mother than her wife. For a long time, I didn't have much of a libido, and to her credit, she didn't push the issue. But now that my sex drive has returned, it feels as if it's all I can think about – except I just can't seem to feel that way about her any more. Every time I'm briefly tempted to initiate something, it gets snuffed out by the same patterns: the childish behaviour, the emotional neediness, the feeling of being needed more as a caretaker than a partner. Is it possible to break out of this dynamic? Or have we crossed a line that can't be uncrossed? When one partner becomes a caregiver to the other, the erotic charge between them is very likely to be reduced. And when the childlike element you described creeps into the relationship, a sexual taboo arises. Your feeling of being mother to a child is most definitely not sexy; it connects your psyche with a deep and forbidden sense of incest that is never going to allow you to desire your partner. If you want to desire her again you will have to encourage the adult side of her to be present and engage with you as a competent individual in your lives together. It's possible she may have developed some of the behaviours you dislike as a coping mechanism. If you do not want to spend your life mothering her you must refuse to support the childish behaviour, which is a form of control and passive-aggression. The first step would be to have a frank, adult, non-blaming conversation about the state of your union. Validate the parts of her that are mature and self-reliant, and gently let her know that you would be doing her a disservice to support her learned helplessness any longer. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
