Latest news with #Validation:
Yahoo
07-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake
If you have kids in your family, you've likely had (and continue to have) plenty of conversations around super fun topics like time-outs, house rules and apologizing. No matter what your parenting style (there's quite a mix between commando, gentle, FAFO, authoritative, free-range and more), parents and grandparents have a lot to keep in mind when outbursts and tantrums inevitably happen. Even when adults try to be proactive and regulate their own emotions before approaching an upset or dysregulated child, some unintentional blunders are easy to make. There's one punishment mistake, in particular, that is a lot more common than you might think. (You might not even realize you're doing it.) Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission. Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade what mistake to avoid, how it impacts kids and what to do instead. Related: The #1 Hack To Get Your Child or Grandchild's Attention Without Yelling The Punishment Mistake To Avoid With Your Kids, According to a Clinical Psychologist The #1 thing to avoid? Emotional invalidation. "The research on emotional invalidation is alarming—children exposed to pervasive invalidation, wherein their emotions are consistently and routinely dismissed, trivialized or punished, are significantly more likely to develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, PTSD, narcissism and even psychopathy," Dr. Fleck says. "Invalidation is believed to play a causal role in conditions like borderline personality disorder and is highly correlated with self-harm and suicidal behavior. The takeaway from this research is clear—parents who invalidate their children have children who invalidate themselves." Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say "And while these studies speak to the effects of pervasive validation, others show that invalidation that occurs strictly in the context of conflict—which is when we're most prone to invalidating kids' emotions—is also problematic," she continues. "Parental invalidation during conflict is highly correlated with anger, emotion dysregulation, oppositional defiance and externalizing problems in kids. Pretty much all of the issues you fear will result from parent-child conflict are significantly more likely to occur if a kid's emotions are invalidated in the process." Related: The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: 'It Changes Everything' Why It's So Easy To Make This Mistake While Navigating Discipline "We are hard-wired to protect our children, so when we see them behaving in ways that could compromise their safety, goals or relationships, we want to intervene," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "To make matters worse, we also have an innate negativity bias that draws our attention to what's 'wrong,' 'bad' or 'problematic' in our environments regardless of whether we're parents. Problematic behavior is the shiny thing that captures our attention. So, while a kiddo's distress over having to get a cavity filled is understandable, it's not nearly as 'shiny' as the tantrum they throw when you're trying to get out the door or the many arguments you had about the importance of brushing." Related: 6 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Doing ASAP How To Emotionally Validate Your Children Instead "I need to be careful here because I don't want parents to get the impression that they can't problem-solve, have rules or enforce limits with their kids," Dr. Fleck explains. However, here are two "mantas" she relies on to be effective in these moments: 1. Validate the valid "You can break down a person's reaction into thoughts, emotions and behavior—this is one of my greatest takeaways from graduate school," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "Thoughts are valid if they're logical, behaviors are valid if they're effective long-term, and emotions are always valid (see below). When a kid is acting out, it's obvious that their behavior is not valid. They are saying or doing things that are destructive to themselves, their relationships or possibly both. It's important to challenge invalid behavior; you just don't want to suggest that the child's feelings are wrong or bad. I'm a big fan of 'It makes sense that you're frustrated, but it's not ok to throw things.' Helping children identify, label and validate their emotions is critical to learning how to manage them more effectively." Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 12 Behaviors 2. Emotions are always valid "Full disclosure: Emotions aren't always valid," Dr. Fleck says. "There are plenty of times when a person's emotion or intensity don't fit the facts of the situation. But guess what? It doesn't matter. Because you do not want to get into the business of telling people they don't feel what they're telling you they feel. You might help a kiddo label or describe their emotions, but for your sake and theirs, don't invalidate them." That doesn't mean you just accept their emotions and leave them to it—you can still offer help and support in various ways. "Although I don't want you to invalidate your kids' emotions, there's nothing to say you can't draw attention away from them," she adds. "If a child is in meltdown mode, validating their emotions can amplify them. In these cases, it's usually more effective to help distract or draw their attention away from the mirror they're looking at as they increasingly lose control. Once the dust has settled, then you can go back and validate their emotions. Again, you don't have to validate the intensity of the emotion if it was excessive, but helping children recognize the validity of their feelings is the only way to empower them with the ability to self-validate as adults." Up Next: Related: The Surprising Phrase You Should Stop Saying to Your Child or Grandchild—and What To Say Instead Source:
Yahoo
07-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Find the ‘Golden Snitch' Around Kids
Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission. When most people hear "Golden Snitch," they likely immediately think about the small ball used in Quidditch, the fictional sport from Harry Potter. During these games, the "Seeker" from each team is trying to locate and catch the Snitch while the rest of the players attempt to score and block goals. It's a chaotic and lively setting in the books and movies—much like a household with young kids. It's fitting, then, that Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, swears by a certain parenting tool that involves moms and dads seeking their own "Golden Snitch" around their kids. Related: 11 Scientifically-Proven Strategies for Raising Happy Kids and Grandkids, According to a Child Psychologist The 'Golden Snitch' Parenting Tool, According to a Clinical Psychologist "The 'Golden Snitch' refers to an effective response in a child that would otherwise get overshadowed by more problematic behavior," Dr. Fleck explains. While she talks more about this concept in Validation, she gives Parade an idea of what this looks like. Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Using This One Confidence-Boosting Phrase "I give the example of my daughter, who agreed that the sugary morning snack her school provided was ruining her appetite for lunch," Dr. Fleck shares. "We said that if she ate the school's 'snack' in the morning, she couldn't have dessert after dinner. I was sure this contingency would work—my kid lives for post-dinner dessert—but it didn't. She kept eating the snack at school, not eating her lunch, and coming home ravenous and unruly. I was frustrated with her for not listening to us, disappointed with the school for providing Oreo cookie muffins and calling them 'snacks,' and frustrated with myself for failing to turn things around. With all of this negativity flying around, I would have stood no chance of finding the Golden Snitch in this situation if I hadn't been in the habit of actively seeking it." Wait—what was it, then? "The Golden Snitch—the effective response I would have missed—was her honesty," Dr. Fleck explains. "She could have easily lied about eating the snack so she wouldn't miss out on dessert, but she didn't. This was particularly impressive because she'd recently started experimenting with lying. We'd caught her in a couple of lies and talked to her about the importance of honesty, but it wouldn't have surprised me if she saw an opportunity to use the magical power of lying to secure her dessert after dinner. But she didn't. She had the opportunity to lie, and she didn't take it." Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake By finding something positive to focus on and call out, your child or grandchild has the opportunity to feel seen and understood more deeply—helping instill self-confidence instead of shame. "Positively reinforcing her honesty at this moment by validating it—'I realize you had the opportunity to lie and didn't take it; I'm proud of you,'—is the most effective way to ensure she takes the path of honesty next time she's in a similar fork in the road," Dr. Fleck continues. "The lesson here is that whenever a kid is struggling to make progress in one domain (e.g., skipping the morning snack), look to see if there's progress in another (e.g., honesty). Kids do not develop when and where we expect them to. Ask yourself, 'If I had to reinforce something, what would it be?'" Up Next: Related: The Surprising Phrase You Should Stop Saying to Your Child or Grandchild—and What To Say Instead Source: Courtesy Dr. Caroline Fleck
Yahoo
06-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
How To Validate Someone's Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
In some relationships with family, friends or coworkers, you may disagree with choices that the other person is making, or hold a different opinion than them on a topic you're both passionate about. While you may not want to introduce conflict by arguing or sharing your disapproval, there's also the concern about appearing as if you agree with what they're doing or enabling the behaviors. However, there's another path forward: validation. But if you're wondering about how to validate someone's feelings effectively, you're not alone. After all, validating someone's feelings might feel intimidating—especially if you disagree with how they're handling those feelings. Fortunately, a clinical psychologist is here to save the day and explain why validation is not only powerful, but truly game-changing in the world of communication and improving relationships. Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission. Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade how to successfully validate someone else's feelings and why seeking validation is not a bad thing. Plus, she reveals five helpful steps for self-validation as well. Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say How To Validate Someone's Feelings "I use a framework called the Validation Ladder," Dr. Fleck tells Parade. "The Ladder consists of eight skills that map onto the three key ingredients in validation—mindfulness, understanding and empathy. Each skill set is more powerful than the one before it (e.g., the empathy skills convey more validation than the mindfulness skills), but the skills in each skill set are interchangeable. The cool thing about these skill sets is that they build on each other. So, the mindfulness skills not only convey mindful awareness, but they also help you cultivate understanding and empathy, providing the insight you need to use these more powerful skills." Another fun way to look at it? "It helps to look at validation as a sport," she continues. "You might be able to serve a ball, hit it backhand, and volley, but that doesn't mean you can win a tennis match. The real skill comes in knowing how to combine these techniques and when to use what. Most of the techniques in the Validation Ladder are things you'll have heard of or used before. But just like in tennis, you've got to be able to use these techniques in tandem and move between them to succeed." Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say So, first things first, the mindfulness skills—AKA "how to demonstrate nonjudgmental engagement," Dr. Fleck explains. 1. Attend "Pay attention and listen without judgment by using nonverbals that signal engagement—eye contact, proximity (leaning in or moving closer), gesturing, nodding—and asking yourself this two-parter: 'What's a better way to make their point?' and 'Why does this matter to them?'" Dr. Fleck shares. "You don't need to communicate your answers; this is more of a mental exercise designed to keep you engaged while projecting curiosity." Why it works: "You stand no chance of making someone feel seen or heard if they don't think you're paying attention," she explains. 2. Copy "Mirror the other person's words, gestures or expressions," Dr. Fleck recommends. "When they smile, smile back. In conversations, pluck out and repeat the adjectives they use (e.g., 'grossed out,' 'discombobulated,' 'alarmed,' etc.). These descriptors are like the paint they chose to highlight a specific detail. Copying them signals that you see what they see as unique or important." Why it works: "Copying activates 'mirror neurons,' allowing us to actually feel some of what the other person is experiencing," she explains. "Studies show that copying reduces prejudice, increases empathy, and builds trust both in the copier and the person being copied." Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say Next up? The understanding skills. 3. Contextualize "Acknowledge why a person's reaction makes sense, given their history, misinformation or disorder," Dr. Fleck says. "Contextualizing is particularly helpful when someone's reaction isn't 'valid' in terms of the immediate situation." Why it works: "Contextualizing says I see how the world has shaped you, and I don't blame you for it," she shares. "This is different from saying I approve of your problematic behavior, or I think you should keep doing what you're doing. Ironically, acknowledging the chain of cause and effect that led someone to react poorly or inappropriately is critical to decreasing defensiveness, tempering the shame that punishes introspection and increasing their willingness to change." Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake 4. Equalize "Communicate that anyone in the same situation would likely respond similarly," Dr. Fleck suggests. "[For example,] 'I'd feel the same way if my boss scheduled a performance review at 4:55 PM on a Friday.'" Why it works: "Normalizing someone's experience immediately conveys that it is reasonable or 'valid,'" she continues. "This skill is particularly powerful when someone is facing perfectionism or feeling 'crazy' for having normal reactions to abnormal situations or unrealistic expectations, [like ,] 'Of course you hate you're feeling burn out, you've been working 14 hours days since you started; anyone in your shoes would be thinking of quitting.'" 5. Propose (AKA 'Mind-reading') "Offer educated guesses about what the other person might be thinking or feeling: 'I wonder if you're worried about how the team will react,' or 'It sounds like you're feeling torn between what you want and what others expect,'" Dr. Fleck recommends. "Unlike actual mind reading, you can adjust your confidence level from 'tentative suggestion' to 'I'm basically finishing your sentences.'" Why it works: "Successfully articulating what someone is thinking but hasn't articulated can create that soulmate effect—'How did you KNOW that?!'" Dr. Fleck explains. "When your insight fosters a realization on their part, 'I didn't realize it until you said it, but I was feeling taken for granted,' you not only communicate understanding, you foster it." Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say And, finally, there are the empathy skills, or "how to demonstrate emotional understanding," Dr. Fleck says. 6. Take Action According to Dr. Fleck, by taking action, you "directly intervene on another person's behalf." Why it works: "Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes they validate more effectively too," she explains. "This skill can range from the simple (bringing your partner tea when they're sick) to a serious investment of time and resources (donating a kidney). The key is that your action clearly communicates, 'I see you, I get it, and I care enough to do something about it.'" 7. Emote "Express your genuine emotional reaction to what someone has shared by 1) using nonverbals like tearing up when hearing a sad story or jumping up and down in shared excitement; 2) labeling your feelings using emotion adjectives, 'I'm devastated to hear this;' or 3) alluding to emotions with statements like, 'You've got to be kidding me!'' Dr. Fleck recommends. Why it works: "Emoting creates emotional resonance—it's the difference between an intellectual 'I understand' and a heartfelt 'I feel you,'" she explains. "The power of emoting lies in the personal investment it reflects. Rather than being an outside observer of someone's experience, emoting transforms you into an active participant." 8. Disclose "Share personal experiences that relate to what the other person is going through, [like ,] 'When I was diagnosed with MS, I felt that same sense of uncertainty,'" Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus on similarities and return the focus to them afterward." Why it works: "Disclosure makes the ultimate statement: 'You are not alone in this experience,'" she says. "It builds a bridge between your world and theirs, transforming theoretical empathy into lived connection. Just remember that your disclosure should serve their story, not hijack it—you're a supporting character in this particular episode, not the star." Related: This Is the #1 Mistake People Make During Small Talk, Jefferson Fisher Warns Should You Try to Self-Validate Instead of Seeking Validation from Others? "This will sound controversial, but I don't think there needs to be a shift away from seeking validation from others, nor do I believe that self-validation should necessarily replace external validation," Dr. Fleck begins. "Validation is a way of combining mindfulness, understanding and empathy to communicate acceptance. When done well, the validated person feels seen and heard." That feeling of being known and accepted is a game-changer. "People from highly validating environments tend to be more self-compassionate and secure in their relationships with themselves and others," she explains. Dr. Fleck also stresses that seeking validation is different than fishing for compliments. "Validation is non-judgmental, which makes it distinct from praise," she continues. "You can think of praise as validation's evil doppelganger—whereas praise says, 'I like the way you look or perform,' validation says, 'I accept you independent of how you look and perform.' So while I would certainly caution people from excessively seeking praise, which can lead to people-pleasing and heavily filtered Instagram photos, I wouldn't dissuade them from pursuing relationships in which they feel seen and accepted." How To Self-Validate "External and self-validation are not in conflict; rather, they reinforce and strengthen each other," Dr. Fleck reiterates. "Self-validation is its own skill, but it's much easier to develop in the context of healthy relationships." So, here are the four steps she recommends for self-validation: 1. Attend "Feelings are called feelings because you can feel them," she says. "Notice where in your body you feel the emotion and label it using an emotion adjective (e.g., sad, anxious)." 2. Copy "Write the emotion down or repeat it back to yourself," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus intently on feeling but not feeding the emotion by reliving or analyzing the situation that triggered it. Repeating the name of the feeling like a mantra helps you stay focused on the experience, not the narrative." 3. Contextualize or Equalize "If you focus on feeling and not feeding your emotion, its intensity will eventually decrease, she says. "Once it does, you can search for the 'kernel of truth,' or validity, in your response. If it seems like anyone in your shoes would have the same reaction, visualize someone you love and respect responding similarly. If your thoughts, feelings or behavior appear invalid, zoom out further and consider the chain of cause and effect that contributed to them. Remember, every effect has a cause." 4. Emote "Express the same tenderness and support you would provide another person who was struggling through gentle touch (e.g., hand over the heart, hugging yourself, stroking your arm) and comforting phrases (e.g., 'This is hard,' 'I'm sorry you're hurting,' etc.)," Dr. Fleck recommends. 5. Take Action "Channel the negativity into self-soothing activities (going for a walk, getting some tea, etc.) and goal-directed behavior, like creating art, exercising, praying or doing a loving-kindness meditation," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Using negative emotions to fuel positive changes is how we make meaning out of suffering." Up Next: Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say Source: Courtesy Caroline Fleck
