Latest news with #SusanDavid
Yahoo
12 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
13 Things People Say In Anger That Causes Long-Term Damage
Anger is a slippery slope. It's easy to slide into a moment of rage and let words fly like daggers, unaware of the permanent scars they might leave. We've all been there—grasping for the most hurtful quip to win the argument. But beware: words are powerful weapons, and some things you say in anger can have lasting repercussions. In the heat of an argument, you might be tempted to drop this bomb as the ultimate verbal grenade. It's a crushing sentence designed to inflict maximum damage, questioning the very foundation of a relationship. But it's also a lie that's incredibly hard to take back. Even if reconciliations follow, those words can linger like a ghost, haunting every future I-love-you with doubt. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman has found in his extensive studies that contempt is a leading predictor of divorce—a category this declaration firmly fits within. It's not just cruel; it's destructive. Trust, once broken, is difficult to mend. You might not just lose an argument; you could lose a partner, friend, or loved one forever. Comparing someone to a disliked family member or an infamous ex is a shortcut to their insecurities. It's a low blow that's often more about projecting your frustration than speaking any truth. This kind of comparison can diminish their self-esteem, making them question their progress and identity. The comment sticks like glue, making them wary of their own worst fears. They might start to internalize these comparisons, altering their behavior to avoid the reflection you've painted. It's a detrimental cycle, fueled by past shadows instead of present realities. It may trigger them into destructive patterns, unintentionally fulfilling your negative prophecy. Choose your words wisely, for they can become self-fulfilling destinies. Labeling someone as overreactive is a classic way to dismiss their feelings. It's a phrase that can instantly invalidate their emotions, making them feel inferior or irrational. But according to research by Dr. Susan David, author of "Emotional Agility," dismissing emotions can lead to increased stress and mental health issues. It's not just a momentary sting; it undermines emotional trust and safety. By belittling their response, you essentially shut down any opportunity for genuine communication. They might learn not to express themselves, fearing judgment or ridicule. Over time, this can create a chasm in your relationship, built on a shaky foundation of misunderstanding. Instead of dismissing, try engaging—ask why they feel that way. The phrase 'I hate you' is like pouring acid over a relationship—corrosive and damaging. While you might not mean it, the weight of those words can linger long after the moment has passed. It's an absolute statement that leaves no room for peace or resolution. Saying it makes it appear as if there's no coming back, even if there is. Hate is an intense emotion, and using it flippantly can diminish its severity in real conflicts. It can drive a wedge between you and the person you care about, creating emotional distance. Later apologies may not easily erase this kind of scar. Better to express what's truly bothering you than to resort to explosive, empty declarations. This statement is a double-edged sword, cutting into the very possibility of growth. Saying someone will never change implies they are stuck in a negative cycle, incapable of improvement. It's a demoralizing comment that can make them feel trapped and hopeless. Over time, they might even start to believe it, feeling defeated before they even try. Psychologist Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset emphasizes the importance of believing in the capacity for change. By telling someone they can't change, you strip away their potential. It's a form of emotional sabotage that benefits no one. Instead, foster a belief in their ability to evolve, encouraging progress and understanding. Uttering this phrase is equivalent to erasing every good memory and shared happiness you've had with someone. It's a dismissive swipe at the entirety of your relationship, tarnishing the good with a harsh stroke of anger. Those words don't just sting—they burn. They can make the other person question every moment spent with you. It's a comment that can make them feel disposable, as though every shared moment was a waste. This can lead to a deep sense of betrayal and questioning of their own judgment. Apologizing later may help, but the damage of feeling unwanted is hard to undo. Better to express the specific issue than to invalidate the entire relationship. When you tell someone they always ruin everything, you're not just criticizing an action; you're attacking their character. It paints them as a perpetual problem, incapable of doing anything right. Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher in vulnerability and shame, emphasizes how such sweeping statements can foster a deep sense of shame. This can lead to them feeling inadequate and inherently flawed. This kind of language boxes them into a role you've assigned, making them feel imprisoned by past mistakes. It's an unfair burden that's hard to shake off. The truth is, no one ruins everything all the time; life is more nuanced than that. Address specific issues rather than resorting to sweeping generalizations that alienate and hurt. Claiming indifference is tantamount to giving up, and it stings like a slap to the face. It sends a message that the relationship, or the person, isn't worth fighting for. Even if spoken in frustration, it can make the other person feel abandoned and adrift. It's a comment that can echo long after the anger subsides. True indifference isn't something to wield lightly; it's the opposite of love. Once spoken, it's hard to retract, making the other person question your commitment. It can lead to a loss of motivation to resolve issues or fight for the relationship. Choose to express your feelings about the situation instead of resorting to blanket disinterest. Calling someone too sensitive is a way to put the blame on them rather than on the issue at hand. It's dismissive, trivializing their emotions and making them feel guilty for having them. This accusation can lead to a cycle of self-doubt, where they question their own reactions and feelings. It's a way to dodge accountability and put them on the defensive. It can also lead to deeper emotional withdrawal, as they fear being labeled every time they express a feeling. This kind of comment doesn't promote understanding or resolution. Instead, it fosters an environment where they are less likely to open up. Acknowledge their feelings as valid to create a more supportive dialogue. Labeling someone as a disappointment is a heavy blow that hits straight to the core. It's a comment that attacks their self-worth and achievements, implying they've failed to meet expectations. This can be a crippling statement, causing them to internalize failure as a part of their identity. It's a label that can follow them into future endeavors, casting a shadow of doubt. On hearing this, they might feel unworthy and incapable of making you proud. This can breed resentment, eroding the foundation of trust and respect. It can also discourage them from trying to meet any expectations in the future. Rather than criticize the person, address the specific action or result that disappointed you. Calling someone pathetic is more than an insult; it's an attack on their dignity. It belittles them, reducing their value to a single, derogatory word. This can have a long-lasting impact, making them question their worth and abilities. It's a comment that can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy. Such a statement doesn't just hurt in the moment; it can have lingering effects on their mental health. Once you've labeled someone as pathetic, it's difficult to repair the damage. They may become defensive or withdraw, shutting down lines of communication. Instead, aim to communicate frustrations without resorting to name-calling. This phrase is a gut punch that implies disdain and intolerance. It's a painful comment that can lead the other person to question why you're still in the relationship. This kind of language is divisive, creating an emotional gap that's difficult to bridge. It's a statement that often comes from a place of frustration, not truth. Once spoken, it can signal the end of effective communication. The recipient might start to emotionally distance themselves, wary of further rejection. It's a hard sentiment to walk back from, even with apologies. Better to discuss specific grievances than to resort to sweeping statements of rejection. Comparing someone to another is a surefire way to make them feel inadequate. It's a painful reminder that they're not living up to someone else's standards, let alone your own. Such comparisons can breed insecurity, jealousy, and resentment, driving a wedge between you. It's an unhealthy approach that can result in a toxic cycle of competition. This statement implies you are seeking something they are inherently not, which is both unfair and damaging. It overlooks their unique qualities, failing to acknowledge what makes them special. They might start to change themselves to fit a mold they believe you desire, losing their sense of self in the process. Rather than comparing, appreciate what they bring to the table.
Yahoo
7 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
Have You Settled In Life? 15 Signs You're Comfortable, Not Happy
Comfort isn't always a reward. Sometimes, it's the velvet prison you don't realize you're trapped in until the air starts to feel too still. Settling doesn't always look like misery—it often disguises itself as predictability, ease, or 'good enough.' But there's a difference between peace and passivity, and many of us are coasting in the latter without realizing it. Here are 15 signs you haven't found happiness—you've just found a routine that asks nothing from you. And that might be the biggest red flag of all. You tell yourself you're just being cautious or responsible, but underneath that restraint is a fear that rocking the boat might reveal how little you actually enjoy being in it. It's easier to stay in the same job, the same city, the same relationship—not because they bring joy, but because they don't require emotional effort. According to Dr. Susan David, a Harvard psychologist and author of Emotional Agility, people often confuse comfort with alignment, staying in safe spaces that actually contradict their values. The result? A slow erosion of self, masked as 'being stable.' You stop asking questions like 'What excites me?' and start asking 'What's least likely to blow up my life?' That's not growth—it's self-abandonment. You think avoiding decisions will preserve your peace, but all it really does is delay your discomfort. And over time, indecision becomes its own form of surrender. You watch someone else take a leap—quit their job, move countries, start a weird podcast—and a sharp pang of envy hits you. It doesn't even make sense. You don't admire their choices or want their life, but something about their courage makes your comfort feel suffocating. It's not about them. It's about the parts of you that are still craving motion. Envy is rarely about the person—it's a flashlight pointed at your own buried desires. When you're truly happy, you don't resent other people's freedom. But when you're comfortable and stagnant, someone else's boldness can feel like an accusation. And that twinge? That's the truth you're not saying out loud. You find yourself scrolling through old photos, telling the same college stories, or reliving moments from years ago that felt like magic. Nostalgia isn't inherently bad, but when it becomes your emotional home, it's a sign the present has gone dull. In a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, researchers found that people who regularly fixated on positive past experiences reported lower life satisfaction than those who envisioned future goals. Translation: being stuck in the glory days is not a mood—it's a warning. Instead of planning what's next, you're mourning what's gone. That longing for 'when things felt real' is a craving for depth you've stopped pursuing. The most dangerous thing about settling is that it convinces you your best days are behind you. And when you believe that, you stop chasing anything new. There's no real drama, no major highs or lows—just a long, low-grade numbness that you've mistaken for peace. Your days are predictable, your emotions muted, and your excitement nearly extinct. The problem isn't that anything's wrong. It's that nothing feels right enough to move you. That emotional neutrality might seem functional, but it's often a sign that you've gone emotionally offline. Feeling 'fine' all the time might sound like balance, but often it means you've stopped giving yourself permission to want more. Happiness requires risk. It demands you care about something enough to feel the full range of emotion. But when you settle, you trade aliveness for stability. And the cost is higher than you think. You set safe goals, pursue predictable outcomes, and rarely stretch past what you already know you can do. It feels responsible, but it's actually avoidance dressed up as ambition. As Dr. Brené Brown explains in her research on vulnerability, people often "armor up' with perfectionism and control when they're scared of being seen failing. That armor might keep you from falling—but it also keeps you from flying. Instead of chasing what lights you up, you build a life around not being embarrassed. You're motivated by fear of loss, not hunger for growth. And while that might earn you approval, it won't bring you joy. Because real happiness doesn't come from playing not to lose—it comes from being willing to risk it all for something that matters. You have ideas, dreams, maybe even secret plans—but they're all filed under 'later.' You tell yourself you're waiting for the right financial moment, the right relationship, the right sign. But let's be honest: you're not waiting. You're stalling. And deep down, you know it. The right time rarely announces itself with neon lights. More often, it shows up disguised as a perfectly inconvenient moment that still demands you say yes. If you're always waiting for clarity, you'll never move. Because clarity isn't what gets you started—movement is. You end every day feeling drained, but can't quite point to anything you did that mattered. You're tired from busywork, emotional suppression, or social obligations that leave you hollow. A 2023 report in The Lancet Psychiatry journal noted a growing phenomenon called 'existential fatigue'—the kind of burnout that comes from living out of alignment with purpose, not just overworking. You're not doing too much—you're just doing the wrong things. You're spending energy without creating meaning. That kind of depletion doesn't go away with sleep or vacation—it requires a total life audit. And until you start doing things that energize your soul, no amount of rest will be enough. When something goes well—a project, a date, a conversation—you don't feel thrilled. You feel relieved. Like you narrowly escaped disaster. That subtle emotional shift tells you everything. You're not living with enthusiasm. You're living in constant low-grade dread. Joy feels like expansion. Relief feels like survival. And if your highs feel more like 'thank God that's over' than 'I want more of that,' you're not thriving—you're bracing. It's a clear signal that you've stopped allowing yourself to feel safe in pursuit of real joy. You claim to value loyalty, peace, or 'people who get you,' but the truth is, you've curated a social circle that never calls you forward. They don't hold you accountable. They don't ask the hard questions. They just maintain the status quo because that's what you silently agreed to do together. The danger of comfort isn't just in your environment—it's in your relationships. The people around you mirror your own ambition, risk tolerance, and emotional honesty. If no one in your life pushes you, chances are, you've stopped pushing yourself too. And that kind of stasis feels safe—until it starts to rot. You daydream about quitting everything and moving to Bali or starting a bakery in Lisbon. But when it comes to making small shifts—updating your resume, taking a weekend class, having a hard conversation—you freeze. It's not that you lack vision. It's that you've gotten addicted to imagining transformation without enduring the awkward middle part. Real change starts tiny. And if your fantasies always involve disappearing rather than evolving, you might be more in love with escape than growth. Happiness isn't found in dramatic reinvention—it's built moment by moment. But if you've settled, even those small moments feel impossible. You're constantly organizing, fixing, optimizing—your calendar, your inbox, your house. You feel accomplished, but emotionally disconnected. It's easier to clean out your garage than confront your dissatisfaction. Busyness becomes your coping mechanism for avoiding deeper truths. And no matter how much you get done, the emptiness lingers. When you've settled, achievement often becomes a shield. You perform competence instead of pursuing alignment. But crossing things off a to-do list won't fulfill you if none of those tasks move your soul forward. The grind might earn praise, but it won't earn happiness. You're constantly showing up for others—your partner, your kids, your coworkers—but your own desires are a quiet afterthought. You've become more of a manager than a main character, orchestrating life without actually living it. Your voice feels softer, your wants smaller. You've become so good at keeping the peace, you forgot what it feels like to take up space. Settling often looks like self-erasure in the name of being 'easy to love.' But happiness demands presence. It asks that you stop playing roles and start living your truth. If you feel like you've faded into the background, it might be time to step forward again. You avoid discomfort so thoroughly that you also avoid possibility. No new situations, no thrilling risks, no butterflies. Your life has become a well-worn path with no detours. And while that sounds stable, it often leads to emotional dehydration. Happiness isn't always calm. Sometimes it's chaotic, awkward, and wildly uncertain. If nothing in your life makes your heart race in anticipation, it's a sign you've gone numb. The most meaningful moments often begin in fear. But you'll never reach them if you never let yourself be afraid. You tell yourself you should be thankful. You have a job. A roof. People who care about you. So who are you to want more? That guilt becomes the leash that keeps you obedient to a life that doesn't inspire you. But gratitude and hunger are not opposites. You can be grateful and still feel deeply unsatisfied. Settling often masquerades as virtue, especially when you're praised for your humility or sacrifice. But at some point, refusing to evolve stops being noble—it becomes self-betrayal. And that's not gratitude. That's fear in a nice outfit. You imagine alternate lives in the quiet hours—what if you'd taken that job, left that relationship, pursued that creative path? But those thoughts never leave your head. You treat them like forbidden fantasies instead of signs from your subconscious. And the more often they appear, the more painful it becomes to ignore them. Those whispers are not delusions. They're signals that your current life doesn't hold enough of your truth. Settling convinces you that longing is weakness, that comfort should be enough. But if you're fantasizing about freedom, chances are you've already outgrown your cage.
Independent Singapore
20-05-2025
- General
- Independent Singapore
8 soft skills that can make you rich — for life
When discussing wealth, what usually comes to mind is money, status, or material success. However, a few of life's most potent possessions can't be placed inside a bank account. These soft skills shape how we interrelate, lead, develop, and succeed. Whether one is a student, a budding artist, an emerging professional, or an entrepreneur pursuing an audacious idea, these abilities are an enduring investment. With relevant illustrations, common slipups to dodge, and first-rate learning resources, these 'tools' can benefit one's vocation, boost confidence, strengthen relationships, and impact the world. Emotional Intelligence: The Glue That Connects Us Why it matters : Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is our capacity to distinguish, grasp, and manage emotions—our own and others. It's the basis of durable relationships, unswerving trust, and never-ending teamwork. Where people stumble : Sidestepping tough discussions or countering thoughtlessly can wear away trust quicker than we think. How to build it : Read: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman Watch: Susan David's TED Talk, 'The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage' Learn: LinkedIn Learning's Emotional Intelligence at Work course Communication: More Than Words Why it matters : Effective communicators don't just express their thoughts and feelings well; they also connect. They listen enthusiastically, articulate concepts emphatically, and pay special attention to body language and attitude. Where people stumble : Intruding, using nonsensical or high-falutin words, or inability to detect non-verbal signals can produce detachment rather than connection. How to build it : Read: Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny & team Watch: Brené Brown's 'The Power of Vulnerability' Learn: Coursera's Effective Communication course Critical Thinking: Your Inner Compass Why it matters : In a world swamped with dogmatic views and half-truths, critical thinking assists in sifting the noise, asking intelligent questions, and making informed decisions and astute choices. Where people stumble : Carelessly making decisions or clinging to prejudices, as this clouds one's outlook. How to build it : Read: Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman Watch: Helen Lee Bouygues' TED Talk, 'Critical Thinking for Better Judgment' Learn: edX's Critical Thinking Skills course Negotiation: Win-Win or Lose-Lose Why it matters : Negotiation is part of all of life's activities. Whether one is seeking a raise in salary, forming a partnership, compromising with a friend, or wanting to meet a spouse halfway, negotiation is present. Strong negotiators pursue a shared advantage, not just victory. Where people stumble : Being aggressive and adversarial, rushing the process, or making it personal can disrupt trust. How to build it : Read: Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss Watch: William Ury's 'The Walk from No to Yes' Learn: Coursera's Negotiation Skills course Adaptability: Your Edge in a Changing World Why it matters : Change is the only thing that doesn't change. Flexible people stay diplomatic and non-violent, are inquisitive, and focus on solutions when plans are drastically modified or challenges arise. Where people stumble : Accusing others or fighting change interrupts growth, and occasionally ruins it entirely. How to build it : Read: Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson Watch: Guy Kawasaki's 'The Art of Innovation' Learn: Udemy's Adaptability and Resilience course Leadership: Influence Starts with Integrity Why it matters : Leadership is never about titles—it's about compelling acts, compassion, responsiveness, and accountability. The finest leaders encourage and lead by example. Where people stumble : Nitpicking, imposing controls, evading tough decisions, or playing favorites diminishes trust and drive. How to build it : Read: Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek Watch: Sinek's TED Talk, 'How Great Leaders Inspire Action' Learn: Harvard Online's Leadership Principles course Time Management: Mastering the Clock Why it matters : Time is the most limited resource. Those who manage their time well get more things done with less anxiety, more purpose, and with more meaning. Where people stumble : Stalling, postponements, deliberate delays, too much multitasking, or poor planning result in exhaustion and pressure. See also Wendy Jacobs and 200 others become Singaporean citizens How to build it : Read: Getting Things Done by David Allen Watch: Laura Vanderkam's 'How to Gain Control of Your Free Time' Learn: LinkedIn Learning's Time Management Mastery course Creativity: Your Superpower for Solving the Unsolvable Why it matters : Creativity pushes invention, problem-solving, and advancement in every turf, not just the arts. It's about changing direction, shifting courses when necessary, doing what's doable, and making the impossible possible. Where people stumble : Dread of failure or sticking to obsolete systems and approaches can stifle one's imaginative trigger. How to build it : Read: Creative Confidence by Tom & David Kelley Watch: Ken Robinson's 'Do Schools Kill Creativity?' Learn: Coursera's Creative Problem Solving course Invest where it counts Diplomas and degrees, titles, certificates, and technical abilities open doors, but soft skills are what will keep these doors open forever. They don't just boost one's CV; they provide the 'buzz' of how you become in life. And like any valued asset, they develop and grow with reliable attention, effort, and determination. So, wherever you are on your journey, always remember — the cleverest investment you can make is investing in yourself.
Los Angeles Times
06-05-2025
- Health
- Los Angeles Times
Opinion: Toxic positivity's hidden harm to mental health
Sometimes it seems like we are a culture addicted to happiness. Social media news feeds are filled with #GoodVibesOnly tweets, self-help books brainwash us to the power of limitless optimism, and good friends teach us to 'just think positive!' when life isn't going so well. What if, rather than keeping us happy, this cultural mandate of optimism is preventing us from being happy? I mean toxic positivity — the assumption we can only be positive in every situation and cut off all else. On paper it sounds wonderful, even therapeutic-sounding. However, the suppression of bad feelings can cause a rebound. It was discovered in a 2018 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study that individuals who embraced their negative emotions had lower depression and anxiety levels than individuals who suppressed or denied them. Suppression of negative emotions was associated with reduced long-term emotional resilience in a 2017 NIH study. The problem isn't that we're getting too scared—it's that other feelings are being de-legitimized. When you say to someone who's in pain or hurt, 'just be thankful for what you have!' you're hearing it as the message that your pain is not valid. Psychologist and author Susan David argues that emotional well-being is a side effect of accepting all of the feelings, not only the good ones. Social media sites such as Instagram and TikTok engage in toxic positivity by encouraging the airbrushed highlight reel of life. In a 2021 NIH study, researchers found that binge-watching 'positive' content leaves the viewer worse-off since they compare their very real issues to other individuals' seemingly perfect lives. I've seen it myself. A sophomore at Washington Connections Academy who requested to be anonymous once told me, 'I feel guilty feeling sad because everyone on the internet is so happy.' That guilt only set her further into isolation. Researcher Brené Brown states it more eloquently: 'We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.' Optimism is beautiful, of course — science attaches it to increased physical well-being and durability. But toxic positivity isn't. The first permit struggle; the second closes doors to struggle. As a teaching example, it can be over-loading when telling a patient with cancer 'be positive,' as it represses fear by suggesting restraint on something that should give way. In a 2022 International Journal of Behavioral Medicine article, researchers put cancer patients in a good mood and found they had higher levels of impairment and limited engagement in life after treatment. Sometimes the nicest thing we can tell someone is, 'This really sucks, and I'm here for you.' What do you do instead? Practice emotional validation – Instead of disqualifying someone else's pain, try: 'That sounds really tough. How can I help you?' In other situations, you can practice 'both-and' thinking – you can love your job and still be outraged about a horrible day. Emotions are not mutually exclusive. Forcing false happiness isn't liberating us — it's deteriorating us. By eschewing the #PositiveVibesOnly illusion, we're making it easier to live authentic connection and healing. And as psychologist Carl Rogers masterfully explained long ago, 'The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.' Let's not sweep aside pain in the guise of being optimistic. At times the most kind thing we can do is to say, 'Me too.' Related
