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Daily Mail
16 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Intimacy by Ita O'Brien: How Normal People can have great sex
Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires by Ita O'Brien (Ebury Press £16, 384pp) When Ita O'Brien was growing up in a strictly traditional Irish Catholic family where no one ever mentioned menstruation, let alone sex, she had no inkling her career would involve sitting with actors, offering them choreographic suggestions as to how they might simulate an orgasm. Yet as a sought-after intimacy coordinator for films and television, this is exactly what O'Brien does. Not just the orgasm, but the whole build-up – which she strongly believes should be given time and space. Her mission is to make sex scenes realistic as well as sexy, while respecting actors' boundaries. While there isn't enough time in an hour-long episode to film the full 20 minutes (on average) that it takes for a woman to be 'ready for penetration', the gradualness should be hinted at. In her thought-provoking 'field guide to intimacy', O'Brien becomes an intimacy coordinator for us all, drawing on her filming work to give us helpful tips on how we should make our real-life sex lives both realistic and sexy, while respecting each other's boundaries. People have asked her to visit their bedrooms to help coordinate their sex lives. She does not do that; but this book is the next best thing. Best known for her coordination of the mutually respectful but highly erotic sex scenes between Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones 's characters in the BBC drama Normal People (2020), O'Brien is justifiably proud of her work (which also includes It's A Sin, Gentleman Jack, and I May Destroy You). Viewers of Normal People were 'profoundly affected', she writes, by the scene in which Connell (played by Mescal) and Marianne (Edgar-Jones) make love for the first time. 'Are you sure you want this?' Connell asks. When Marianne nods, he says: 'If it hurts, I'll stop.' A bit later, he asks: 'Does it hurt?' 'A bit.' And then she says: 'It's nice.' And they tenderly make love. I remember how captivated we all were by the eroticism as well as the charm of that series during the first lockdown. Those scenes 'helped viewers remember all the joy and gorgeousness of their first relationships as teenagers, and how unsure they felt'. 'The prospect of bringing something to the screen that I felt was representative of the reality of young people in love having sex was really exciting to me,' O'Brien writes. Sex is too often portrayed unrealistically. 'All that bumping and grinding, the thrusting and heads thrown back in simulated ecstasy, rarely bears much relationship to people's own experience of their sexual encounters. We see penetration after 30 seconds of kissing. Is that how it happens in your life? No!' The film world certainly needed someone like O'Brien. Before the arrival of intimacy coordinators, directors just used to tell actors to get on with it. Actress Gemma Whelan describes the multiple intimate sex scenes she had to do in Game Of Thrones as 'a frenzied mess'. 'Action! Just go for it!' the director would shout at the actors. 'Bit of boob biting, then slap her bum and go!' Of her role in the Scandi-noir series The Bridge, Swedish actress Sofia Helin said: 'It's tense every time you have to cross your own boundaries in order to satisfy a director's needs.' Dakota Johnson wishes intimacy coordinators had existed when she was filming Fifty Shades Of Grey. 'I was just kind of thrown to the wolves on that one,' she said. Things have moved on since then. O'Brien's four main tenets are: open communication, agreement and consent, clear choreography, and closure. Her sessions involve deep breathing exercises to make actors fully present in their own bodies and aware and respectful of their partner's physical presence. In one exercise, she advises them to put their right hand on each other's hearts, and their left hand over their partner's hand on their heart, and 'feel the movement of the energy and the dance between you'. That's just one of many build-up exercises, some of which verge on the woo-woo. There's a great deal about the seven chakras, and a lot of visualising of waterfalls, and your own lower body as 'the base of a tree putting roots deep into the earth'. When it comes to advising us on how to improve our own intimate lives, or at least how to avoid our sex lives from rusting up over a long marriage, O'Brien says self-love and self-esteem are most important. Look into a mirror and say: 'I choose to love myself. I am enough. I believe in myself.' She advises gazing into the eyes of your partner for 60 seconds at a time, and 'sharing your wonderings'. Gaze at the stars together, as she and her partner do; stand in bare feet on the grass in order to be fully rooted in your body. She advises us to be honest about what we do and don't want, and how that might change over time, and to dare to talk about it although it can be 'difficult and embarrassing'. She invites us to 'take a hand mirror and to explore and get to know your vulva'. I might give that one a miss. To remind us how unique every vulva is, O'Brien gives us a full page of drawings of different-shaped ones, from an art work by Jamie McCartney called The Great Wall of Vulva, which portrays 400 of them. Not a work to show to the older generation in Catholic Ireland, perhaps. Yet I liked the advice she quotes from the sex therapist Linsey Blair: we should regard intimacy as a kind of tapas menu. 'You order in bite-size chunks; you don't just think every sexual encounter has to be a three-course meal leading to penetration and orgasm.' Sometimes 'doing small things every day is more intimate than a three-course extravaganza once every three months'. 'Tuesday sex' is what she calls the ordinary stuff, which many of us might hope to keep up as a habit over a long lifetime. This is very different from 'Nine And A Half Weeks sex' (named after the film of the same name). Online porn has made too many young people think sex must be of the latter variety. Whereas, in reality, 'intimacy is rarely spontaneous' – and can be just as satisfying if you schedule it into the diary. Most importantly, O'Brien reminds us, 'it's possible to have intimacy without sex, and sex without intimacy'.
Cosmopolitan
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Cosmopolitan
Should you be choreographing your sex life? How intimacy coordinators can help us off-screen, too
Think about the most memorable sex scenes from the last few years, and the chances are it involved Ita O'Brien. Connell and Marianne having sex for the first time in Normal People? Yep. Aimee teaching herself how to masturbate in Sex Education? Uh huh. The v raunchy It's A Sin montage? Arabella's blood clot interruption in I May Destroy You? The sex scene in We Live in Time that was so steamy, it ended with the cameraman facing the wall? Yes, yes, yes. O'Brien is the intimacy coordinator whose Intimacy On Set guidelines — groundbreaking guidance for filming intimate content (from kissing to sex to masturbation and beyond) — has transformed the film and TV industries. Since launching her manual in 2017, and her work then debuting in 2019's Sex Education, intimacy coordinators have become regular fixtures on set, choreographing intimate scenes (which, unbelievably, were just freestyled by actors before this), acting as a liaison between actors, directors, and the wider crew, and, in turn, helping craft more authentic, emotive, and, yes, actually arousing sex scenes. By 2020, HBO, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, and more had all started employing intimacy coordinators, while 23 shows that utilised the role were nominated for Emmys that year. Although O'Brien started developing her guidelines in 2014, demand for them grew after Harvey Weinstein's decades of abuse were exposed in 2017 and the resulting MeToo movement saw actors share their own experience of sexual coercion, harassment, and assault on set. Today, eight years on, intimacy coordinators are now practically an industry standard, with countless actors expressing their gratitude for the role's existence (Michaela Coel even dedicated her 2021 BAFTA, for I May Destroy You, to O'Brien). 'There was absolutely a void of a practitioner to support intimate content,' O'Brien tells me when we speak to mark the release of her new book, Intimacy, which takes readers behind the scenes of her work. 'Without a professional process, [intimate content] wasn't engaged with openly or creatively, let alone putting in place agreement [between actors] and consent. It was just this unspoken thing in the script that everyone knew was looming.' This reluctance to plan or even talk about intimate scenes led to, as O'Brien puts it, 'a sense of awkwardness' that could result in people 'feeling harassed or even downright abused'. This isn't, obviously, unique to film sets — and so, you may not be surprised to hear that intimacy coordinators can be helpful off set, too. That's not to say you have to hire your own private intimacy coordinator every time you're getting laid, but, as O'Brien explores in her book, the techniques she uses on set — connecting with your body, setting boundaries, and, 'taking charge of the choreography of your intimate life' — can also have a monumental effect on your real romantic and intimate relationships, too. 'The fundamental tenets of the intimacy guidelines are open communication and transparency, agreement and consent, clear choreography, and really good closure,' explains O'Brien. And these tenets, she adds, can help make your own 'intimate life something that's important to you and something that you can explore and consider'. 'It all starts from being present in yourself,' she continues. 'We're getting so much more disembodied and living our lives on screens, so the first step is reminding ourselves to have a connection with our bodies and feel our own sensuality and sexuality.' This might just be asking yourself, 'What do I want?', which is, depressingly, something many people — and especially women — tend to forgo in their sexual lives. And, although it sounds strange, it may then be using choreography, of sorts, to figure out, experiment with, and then build on your desires — whether that's tapping into the Kama Sutra, adapting to changes to your body and libido (say, after childbirth or while taking particular medications), or scheduling time to be intimate. 'Just remember that open dialogue keeps the connection,' says O'Brien. And yet, maintaining communication — and therefore curiosity — about sex, including our own desire and sexual lives, can be difficult when it's been discouraged our whole lives. After all, a reluctance to talk about the still-taboo topic of sex is partly what led to film and TV's flippant approach to intimate content in the first place, as, according to O'Brien, there was a general view that 'everybody has sex, so we don't need a practitioner to teach skills'. The irony, of course, is that it's a lack of education about sex that tends to lead to awkwardness, misconceptions, and, in some cases, even assault — both on set and off. This isn't lost on O'Brien — in fact, she dedicates a whole chapter in her book to the importance of sex education. And not just for young people, but throughout our lives, too. 'If your sexual life is important to you, then make it part of your life to consider, nurture, and research it,' she says. 'Our sexuality, sensuality, and pleasure in our bodies is a thing of beauty — we should talk about it and engage with it as something that's not shameful and shouldn't be hidden. 'Open education around intimacy doesn't ruin children's innocence, it helps them preserve it,' she continues. 'We should be teaching our young people that sexual connection is human connection, which is about communication, and that intimacy is about consent — and anything that's out of consent is about power. It starts with helping everyone to respect themselves, listen to themselves, and honour their impulses — which really starts with giving people a language to [learn about, and be curious about] what they need from human connection.' Because what we see in film and TV can have a profound effect on our own sex lives (often for the worse), this language should exist on screen, as well as in schools and beyond — which is exactly what O'Brien is trying to do. It's about more than just showing sex; it's about showing sex that's authentic, clumsy, funny, physiologically accurate, and, importantly, centres consent. This, in turn, can give people an accessible language to talk about sex in its totality. One notable chapter in Intimacy, for example, explores the myth and reality of sexual arousal, and discusses how what we see on screen paints a false picture of how arousal — particularly women's — really works. 'Too many sex scenes subtly [create] the misleading impression that spontaneous and instant penetration is possible for men — and pleasing for most women,' O'Brien writes. 'This is simply not true. The anatomy of arousal for men and for women is utterly different.' Rarely do we see sex on screen that shows what most women need for sex: foreplay, clitoral stimulation, even lube. Talking and negotiation also tend to be noticeably absent, as do the messy realities of sex, diverse bodies, non-traditional relationship styles, and, although it's improving, portrayals of queer sex. As O'Brien writes: 'People are often turned off by the sex they see on screen, not because it is explicit but because it isn't real.' And yet, she adds: 'It is the default glass through which we see the world.' Transforming sex on screen, then, is just the beginning of a long journey to reshape sex more broadly — to normalise and eradicate shame around all kinds of sex, to encourage open communication (with ourselves and others), and to ultimately help *everyone* have better, more fulfilling sex lives. 'The shift in the industry is absolutely incredible,' says O'Brien, 'and it's happening in our drama and film schools, too, where there's now a flip to consent-based training. I hope my work and the book will encourage a ripple effect that can help people [learn and] connect [in their own intimate lives].' Intimacy by Ita O'Brien is out now via Ebury
Daily Mail
11-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
The 'Tuesday sex' trick that could save your relationship: Intimacy co-ordinator for racy scenes in Normal People and Sex Education shares her insider tips for couples
Britain's first intimacy coordinator has revealed how 'Tuesday sex' could prolong the honeymoon phase of your relationship in a new book. Ita O'Brien, whose credits include the hit BBC drama Normal People and Netflix 's raunchy period drama Bridgerton, has developed a guide for deepening connection and pleasure in readers' personal lives based on her experience choreographing on-screen sex scenes. The 350-page manual includes several guided exercises for readers to try at home, as they explore myths and misconceptions about sex that might be detracting from the overall experience. For instance, the idea that making love is not as special if it doesn't come with the 'bells and whistles' like fancy lingerie, mood-setting music, or a romantic setting. Couples in long-term relationships need to get comfortable with 'Tuesday sex' that feels 'part of your routine' - as opposed to 'Disney World sex' - because that is key to 'cementing a regular connection and strengthening emotional ties'. Recalling a conversation with American psychoanalyst Dr Orna Guralnik, Ita explained: 'Tuesday sex is the kind of weekday sex that establishes a connection with a partner; an intimacy that preserves your relationship and feels part of your routine rather than something mind-blowing and special. In an excerpt from Intimacy, as seen by MailOnline, Ita noted how Hollywood is obsessed with 'Disney World sex' that is often hinged on 'super fantasies about what is supposed to happen' during a sexual encounter. Commenting on Hollywood's obsession with portraying the myth of perfect, unmessy sex, Dr Orna told Ita: 'It could be tremendously good for people to be located in the reality of their own body, and their partner's body, not mediated through all of these super fantasies about what is supposed to happen. 'They are actually distancing.' Leaning into the concept of 'Tuesday sex' or mundane, everyday intercourse with a partner you love and trust can result in a happy relationship with contented partners who value each other. Like one of Ita's friends, who reportedly 'made it a policy always to have sex when their partner offered' so she never missed a 'single opportunity' to be intimate with her lover who, she reasoned, 'might not be asking in another 10 years' time'. 'The result was one of the happiest relationships I have ever seen.' According to Ita, some of the most 'damaging' ways in which sex is depicted on-screen include the lack of lubrication and the speed of the female orgasm as she noted many 'don't have an orgasm via penetration in any case'. The release of Ita's book comes after almost two years after she launched a Master's Degree in intimacy direction for the screen - that will cost over £15,000 for its first year - in London. She told The Times that there is 'so much' to teach on the topic and that she is asked by two people a day about getting into the industry. During the course, students will learn about power dynamics between performers and producers, consent and boundaries, and the best way to use 'modesty garments' to cover an actor's intimate area. Speaking to The Times, Ita said: 'It's a really complex role and it's really important that there is a pathway that can be trusted in the industry. 'I want the role of intimacy coordinator and implementation of intimacy guidelines [to be] mandatory.' The coordinator, who has also worked on It's A Sin and Lady Chatterly's Lover, said she wants to ensure standards for the role are maintained - and aren't lowered by self-proclaimed experts. She also defended the role against criticism from actors who have said it removes spontaneity from the scenes. In February 2023, Sir Ian McKellen slammed 'irrelevant' jobs such as intimacy coordinators for ruining the 'purity' of modern theatre. The legendary actor said there are too many people 'getting in the way' of performers today. He singled out intimacy coordinators suggesting that directors could do the job just as well. The rise of intimacy coordinators has sparked debate, with Dame Emma Thompson hailing their work as 'absolutely essential' following McKellen's comments. Aimee Lou Wood and Connor Swindells in a still from Sex Education Speaking to Andrew Marr on LBC, Dame Emma, 63, dismissed Sir Ian's remarks, saying: 'It's all very well, if you're a bloke it's a different kind of thing. 'I think if you're a young woman on a set, which is largely peopled by men, the crew will be 90 per cent men and the women won't be on the set with you, because generally speaking we do not have parity on any level on film sets, it's all men. 'And that's a very uncomfortable position for a young woman who's starting in the industry, but it is absolutely essential that there is someone there to protect them. 'Absolutely essential.' Sean Bean, meanwhile, felt that intimacy professionals could 'spoil the spontaneity' of sex scenes. While other female members of the industry, including Rachel Zegler, criticised Bean's comments. Gillian Anderson and Bridgerton star Rege-Jean Page have also previously praised intimacy co-ordinators for their work in on-screen productions. While Daryl McCormack revealed how he and co-star Dame Emma prepared for the racy sex scenes in their latest film, Good Luck To You Leo Grande. In her foreword for Ita's new book, Sex Education star Gillian wrote that her collaborator's expertise depicting sex on our screens can also radically transform the quality of people's intimate relationships off-screen. Gillian, one of the industry's most sex-positive voices, added: 'I was struck by how her presence transformed what had historically been one of the most vulnerable and potentially problematic aspects of performance into something safe, empowering, and indeed collaborative.' Intimacy by Ita O'Brien is published by Penguin Random House and is out now.
Irish Independent
06-06-2025
- Business
- Irish Independent
Trinity approves two-year loan repayment hiatus for the acting academy that helped launch Paul Mescal's career
The confirmation of the loan hiatus to the end of the 2027 academic year for The Lir Academy comes as it confirmed it has received a record 600 applications for this year's 16-place bachelor of acting programme where Mescal learnt his acting craft. Asked if The Lir has enjoyed a 'Paul Mescal dividend' in terms of numbers applying, The Lir spokeswoman said: 'We did see a surge in numbers after the success of Normal People. This coincided with Brexit and the point at which we became the only English-speaking conservatoire in the EU. 'The continued success of Paul Mescal – along with numerous other graduates – has increased the awareness of our programmes and supported the trend of growth in application numbers.' In selecting the chosen few for the 16 places, The Lir stages auditions in Dublin or online over Zoom for the first two rounds for overseas applicants. The loan hiatus is confirmed in recently published TCD finance committee minutes of its April meeting. At the end of September 2023, The Lir firm, Trinity College Dublin Academy of Dramatic Art Co Ltd, owed €496,554 to the college. The firm recorded an income of €2.908m in 2023 and saw a modest surplus of €16,357. TCD provost Dr Linda Doyle is chairwoman of the finance committee and the minutes record that The Lir CEO Gemma Bodinetz highlighted the academy's strong financial performance, including projected fee income in 2024/25 and future increases. Commenting on the TCD approval of Lir's loan hiatus application, Ms Bodinetz said: 'The Lir Academy has an excellent record of financial performance and we recognise the act of faith that Trinity College Dublin has placed in us by agreeing to our request. 'The decision to request the hiatus was taken in order to allow for additional financial flexibility so that we can further realise our ambition to achieve significant strategic aims. 'Our intention is to invest the retained surpluses into staff salary increases, programme resources and to grow new revenue streams. This will mean we will be in an even more robust position to resume payments in 2027.'
BreakingNews.ie
05-06-2025
- Business
- BreakingNews.ie
600 apply for the 16 places on Trinity acting course that launched Paul Mescal's career
Record numbers have applied this year for the 16-place acting programme at Trinity College Dublin (TCD) that helped launch the stellar career of Gladiator II star Paul Mescal . The Lir Academy on Thursday confirmed that it has received 600 applications for its prestigious Bachelor in Acting course—a record and a 10% increase on the 545 applications received last year. Advertisement A spokeswoman for The Lir said: 'We did see a surge in numbers after the success of Normal People. This coincided with Brexit and the point at which we became the only English-speaking conservatoire in the EU. 'The continued success of Paul Mescal—along with numerous other graduates—has increased awareness of our programmes and supported the trend of growth in application numbers.' Paul Mescal, who was nominated for an Oscar, earned a Bachelor of Arts in Acting in 2017 from The Lir Academy at Trinity College and rose to prominence with the April 2020 lockdown release of Normal People. Other notable Lir alumni include Alison Oliver, Zara Devlin, Clinton Liberty, Ella Lily Hyland, Éanna Hardwicke, Danielle Galligan, Frank Blake, Kwaku Fortune, Aggie O'Casey and Patrick Martins. Advertisement To select the 16 successful applicants, The Lir conducts auditions in Dublin or via Zoom in the first two rounds for overseas candidates. Confirmation of the record applicant numbers comes alongside the release of minutes from a TCD Finance Committee meeting, which confirm that Trinity has granted The Lir a two-year loan repayment hiatus. At the end of September 2023, The Lir (officially Trinity College Dublin Academy of Dramatic Art Company Limited) owed €496,554 to the college. The academy recorded an income of €2.908 million in 2023 and a modest surplus of €16,357. TCD Provost Dr Linda Doyle chairs the Finance Committee. The minutes record that The Lir CEO, Gemma Bodinetz, highlighted the academy's strong financial performance, including projected fee income for 2024/25 and further expected increases. Advertisement While The Lir is performing well, the committee noted that reinvestment in the academy is limited by the need to prioritise repayment of the working capital loan and to meet significant rises in utility and operational costs. Lifestyle Leaving Cert: Teacher says many students found tod... Read More In approving the loan hiatus request, the committee acknowledged The Lir's positive repayment history and prudent financial management. Commenting on the decision, Ms Bodinetz said: 'The Lir Academy has an excellent financial performance record, and we recognise the act of faith that Trinity College Dublin has placed in us by agreeing to our request. 'The decision to request the hiatus was taken to allow for additional financial flexibility so that we can further realise our ambition to achieve significant strategic aims. 'Our intention is to invest the retained surpluses in staff salary increases, programme resources, and new revenue streams. This will leave us in a more robust position to resume payments in 2027.'
