What to Say When You Forget Someone's Name
Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Image: humblino via Canva.com)
It's a wonder that anyone remembers anyone else's name after just meeting. Most people are visually wired, which means we're good with faces, but—was it Alyssa or Elizabeth? Hewitt or Wyatt? Elijah or Isaiah?
'When we're meeting someone, there are so many things going through our minds,' says Thomas Farley, an etiquette expert also known as Mister Manners. 'We're trying to remember, 'Have I met this person before? Who do they remind me of? Oh, I love that necklace they're wearing. That's a great haircut. I wonder where she got that purse.' At the moment when someone is giving us their name, we're flooded with so many other things we're thinking about and processing at the same time.'
Hence: those tricky moments when we meet again and have no idea how to address them. What do you say, especially when the other person seems to know exactly who you are? We asked experts what to say when you forget someone's name.
People tend to feel 'very awkward' asking someone to repeat their name if they didn't properly hear it the first time around, Farley says. He doesn't understand why: 'Have you ever been in a scenario where you kindly asked someone to repeat their name, and the response you got back was no, they already said it once?' Exactly—so ask directly instead of silently agonizing over what they might have said, he advises.
Read More: The Best Way to Interrupt Someone
Ideally, you can provide some context that indicates you remember your last encounter. Maybe you met at an anime convention, for example, or a mutual friend's wedding. Otherwise, 'You're not only name-blanking them, but also face-blanking them, which I think is more uncomfortable—when you just blank stare at someone and have zero recollection,' Farley says. 'That's telling them, 'You were so unmemorable, I don't even remember your face. I don't remember a thing about you.'' Before the other person responds, he adds, you should mention your own name—because chances are, they've forgotten who you are, too.
This line is both playful and intentionally over-the-top: 'Nobody thinks you seriously believe their name is Archibald, like it's the year 1899,' says Jeff Callahan, a communication expert who's the founder of Become More Compelling. 'You're using humor to turn a moment of awkwardness into connection.' Plus, he likes that it signals confidence: You're not afraid to call yourself out in a fun way. Say it with mock certainty and a slight smile, Callahan advises, and pause before the punchline. You'll usually get a laugh before you get a name.
By owning that you're the one who forgot, you make the predicament about you, not the other person. 'It shows respect,' Callahan says. 'You're saying the lapse is yours, and you're fixing it.' If it feels natural, pair your delivery with a small smile or laugh, he adds, which can lighten up the moment.
Read More: How to Say 'I Told You So' in a More Effective Way
Everyone has so-called senior moments. This is a way to use humor to acknowledge what's happening, while signaling self-awareness and warmth, says Melissa Klass, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. She suggests using a bright tone and maybe pairing it with a small shrug. 'You're not groveling,' she says. 'You're inviting connection."
Reframe what could be an awkward moment as an opportunity to include the other person, shifting attention away from your memory lapse. The caveat: You can only use this strategy if there's truly an introduction to make.
Give this question a spin in casual or professional settings where first names are the default. 'It gives them a chance to say it without calling out your forgetfulness,' Klass says. But she advises using it sparingly—it's clever but not foolproof, especially if they reply 'J-O-E.'
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
Contact us at letters@time.com.
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