When the ideal isn't real: What's cognitive dissonance and how to tackle it?
Amara* had always associated success with stability – the kind rooted in a familiar neighbourhood and a fulfilling career, all within the close-knit community she grew up in.
As the daughter of Caribbean immigrants who built a modest, middle-class life in the US, she was raised to believe that education was the surest path to that success. So with her parents' support, she earned degrees from Stanford University and the University of Michigan, and seemed firmly on track to create the life she had long envisioned for herself.
But now, seven years into her expat journey in Qatar, her reality looks very different.
'I really figured that by this age I would be living in a nice gated community in the US, balancing raising my kids with a fulfilling career at a multinational company, surrounded by the friends and family that I grew up with,' said Amara, 38. 'I never dreamed of living so far away from home, and being just a stay-at-home mum.'
Her move to Doha in 2018 to be with her husband marked a detour that, over time, began to feel like a derailment.
'For my first job in Qatar, I opted to take what felt like a step backwards in order to move my marriage and my family forward. Looking back, I think that this step moved me further away from achieving my imagined reality than I could have thought,' she reflected.
A mismatch
Amara's experience is far from unique. According to Vinita Mane, a CDA-licensed therapist and faculty leader at Westford University College in Sharjah, 'Cognitive dissonance, in this context, occurs when there's a mismatch between the ideal life one envisioned and the reality of daily struggles, lack of employment or job insecurity, and multitasking between roles that may not align with one's skills or specialisation.'
This inner tension can have far-reaching effects. 'It can cause emotional distress, strained relationships, and sometimes the development of maladaptive behaviours or coping mechanisms,' Mane explained.
For Amara, the dissonance became most palpable after the birth of her second child.
'I knew that going back to work at the time wasn't going to be my reality. And from there I watched my unemployment gap widen and widen,' she said. 'Now, with three kids, I feel less and less confident that I will be able to seamlessly re-enter the workforce and do the things I once wanted to do professionally.' Distance from home and a lack of support system only magnified Amara's feelings of dissonance. 'I believe that having community that you can lean on for help and that you can be vulnerable with in times of challenge are so important,' she said.
'Now I am in a place that can feel very lonely. Folks come and go frequently so it can feel emotionally draining to invest in relationships only to see them end abruptly and unexpectedly.'
Expatriates like Amara, whether in the Gulf or elsewhere, arrive with many expectations. They then face difficult choices: to assimilate, integrate, or separate from the dominant culture.
'One of humanity's greatest strengths is adaptability. We possess the ability to learn, evolve, and integrate into new environments. Those who embrace change with openness and curiosity are more likely to manage dissonance effectively,' Mane explained.
'One's emotional and psychological well-being – and even physical health – can be directly impacted by the inability to adapt, especially when individuals cling too tightly to their original expectations instead of adjusting to their current reality.'
For a long time, Amara experienced what she described as a persistent, heavy emotional state marked by deep sadness. This stemmed from unmet expectations and the loss of the life she had once envisioned – one that included a career, financial autonomy, and a rooted sense of home.
Seeking help
Through therapy, she began to process that grief, giving herself permission to feel disappointment while working to reshape her goals within her current reality.
Amara has learned that acknowledgment is key. 'I've worked hard not to brush away my feelings but to name them, to understand what is driving them and to affirm that not having been able to build that life that I wanted does not make me less valuable or less competent or less worthy of love and appreciation and admiration.'
Therapy has encouraged her to re-frame success and find new meaning. 'I've been able to dig deep to identify my core values and how my prior goals aligned with them. Moving forward, I'm working on creating new goals based on those core values, but within my current context.'
In addition to this type of work, Mane recommends cognitive restructuring: a therapeutic technique that challenges negative or irrational thought patterns and helps to develop a growth mindset. 'A psychologist can guide you through this journey, helping you better understand your emotions, build resilience, and develop healthier ways of thinking.'
Today, Amara's expat experience is deeply intentional. 'Cultivating gratitude and grace are things that have taken me a long way in managing the discomfort that comes along with the dissonance.
'As I have begun to re-frame and redefine my goals, my expat experience has improved. I am able to see so much value in it and to have a lot of gratitude in it while still holding space for the fact that there are some aspects of it that I do not like.'
She added, 'My goal is not to erase the dissonance but to claim it, and keep on re-envisioning my life day after day."
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