‘I'm not your therapist': What is Mankeeping, the viral trend that's leaving women exhausted
Turns out, the real reason behind her not texting back is not her lack of interest – but because that cute-looking dude went ahead with full trauma-dumping mode while treating her like his unpaid therapist!
A recent
study from Stanford
has officially named the emotional labor sucking the life out of heretosexual (and in some cases, bisexual) women: it's 'mankeeping' — and it's driving them straight out of the dating pool.
What is
mankeeping
?
'Mankeeping', a clever and culturally resonant play on 'kinkeeping' (the caregiving women often perform in families), is a blend of the words man and housekeeping, recently coined by researchers at Stanford University under psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara (alongside Dylan P. Vergara), and refers to the growing emotional labor that women shoulder in heterosexual relationships.
What does it mean? It describes the emotional labor many heterosexual women find themselves performing—unkindly unpaid yet deeply taxing.
This includes being a partner's crisis hotline, mood manager, social secretary, and confidante, often without reciprocal care.
From becoming a live-in therapist to taking on the role of social secretary, many women find themselves decoding their partner's moods, orchestrating his social calendar, and providing emotional caregiving without reciprocation. It's not just an occasional favor—it's a habitual, exhausting duty embedded in daily life.
In a society where men often have fewer emotionally intimate friendships, romantic partners inadvertently become their primary support network. Stanford's research found that about 20% of US men report having no close friends, compared to women, who typically maintain richer, more emotionally engaged social circles. As a result, many women feel pressure to carry this emotional burden, on top of the mental load they already manage at work, home, and family.
What does the study say?
As reported by the NY Post, Stanford postdoctoral fellow and developmental psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara, during a talk at the Clayman Institute Faculty Research Fellows, 'In the US, about one in five men claim they have no close friends,' adding, 'In comparison to women's social networks, men's social networks in the US and UK tend to be thinner in depth, less frequent in emotional disclosure, and more rarely relied on for support.
'
What does that mean? He has no one else to talk to, no friend to turn to — so he picks his female partner as the trauma-dumping ground.
Ferrara argues this male loneliness epidemic isn't just a 'him' problem — it's a her burden. And it's pushing women to hit pause on relationships altogether.
According to
Pew Research
, just 38% of single women are actively seeking love, compared to 61% of men.
That math adds up to one blinking highlight: women are opting out of being 'therapists with benefits.'
The driving force behind 'mankeeping':
As Ferrara explained, 'This is the labor that women take on to shore up losses in men's social networks and reduce the burden of this isolation on families, on the heterosexual bond itself, and on men,' adding, 'The barriers that men are facing in their relationships have the potential to expand women's labor on men's behalf.'
Ferrara dubs this draining duty 'mankeeping,' likening it to 'kinkeeping' — the thankless job of maintaining family bonds, which also mysteriously ends up in women's laps.
And the root of it all? Stunted male friendships and toxic masculinity.
The male friendship recession
Studies show that men's social circles have shrunk significantly over the past few decades. Although there's ample evidence that men had close friendships at the turn of the twentieth century, post-industrially, some men see close male friendships as a threat to their manhood. For example, the
AEI Survey Center on American Life
found that the number of men with at least six close friends in North America and Australia dropped from 55% to 27% since 1990, while 51% of men say they lack a confidant altogether.
Without strong emotional outlets, romantic partners often become primary emotional support—a shift that burdens women with additional responsibilities.
Gendered social conditioning
Women are culturally conditioned from a young age to nurture, remember birthdays, organize gatherings, and maintain emotional harmony. Meanwhile, men are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability, internalizing the idea that 'real men' don't need emotional support.
Growing awareness, diminishing infrastructure
While more men now seek mental health support, many lack male friendships or group spaces where they can process emotions. The result? Unsurprisingly, the emotional load falls on their female partners.
The emotional toll on women
This dynamic is far more than an emotional hassle — it has real-world ramifications:
Burnout and exhaustion
From comforting a partner after job loss to ensuring they stay socially engaged, many women spend hours weekly on mankeeping activities.
With existing responsibilities—work, family, personal pursuits—these added hours push many past their limit.
Resentment and feeling unseen
When emotional labor is one-sided, women often feel undervalued. Consider the friend who consoles her husband after he lost a golf game, yet he can't reciprocate when she shares her own worries.
Erosion of self-worth and identity
Constant caregiving can eclipse a woman's own needs and goals, leaving her emotionally depleted, less affirmed in her own identity.
Relationship fallout
Research indicates that women who invest more emotional work than they receive are likelier to feel less love in their relationships and are at increased risk of divorce.
Why does this matter beyond individual couples?
Relationship dynamics:
Women increasingly 'opt-out' of dating or marriage, as according to
Pew Research
, with only 38% of single women pursuing love versus 61% of men.
Gender norms:
Frankly naming and addressing mankeeping challenges, outdated expectations that women should be emotional caregivers.
Societal health:
By identifying and acknowledging male loneliness, it raises questions about mental health, friendship, cross-gender interdependence, and what sustainable balance looks like.
The way forward:
As per Ferrara, naming this invisible labor is a first step toward equity. Recognizing and naming this form of gendered labor may be important for making women's emotional work more visible — and hopefully, more equal, she stressed.
Acknowledge and name the labor:
Simply naming mankeeping makes invisible work visible. It opens space for honest conversations about fairness and partnership.
Set clear boundaries:
Women learning to say 'I can't process this tonight' are reclaiming emotional capacity. Empathy doesn't mean unlimited availability.
Encourage male emotional networks:
Men building support through therapy, men's groups, or male friendships—such as Gen‑Z 'good night calls'—shift emotional reliance from romantic partners.
Share the emotional load:
Couples should identify specific emotional tasks—check‑ins, organizing social engagements, mood‑monitoring—and balance them intentionally.
Create broader support structures:
Workplaces, communities, and policy-makers can uplift mental health infrastructure—making emotional work less limited inside the periphery of romantic relationships.
Katrina Kaif gets emotional, opens up on her break-up with Ranbir Kapoor
One step to a healthier you—join Times Health+ Yoga and feel the change
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Time of India
a day ago
- Time of India
‘I'm not your therapist': What is Mankeeping, the viral trend that's leaving women exhausted
Turns out, the real reason behind her not texting back is not her lack of interest – but because that cute-looking dude went ahead with full trauma-dumping mode while treating her like his unpaid therapist! A recent study from Stanford has officially named the emotional labor sucking the life out of heretosexual (and in some cases, bisexual) women: it's 'mankeeping' — and it's driving them straight out of the dating pool. What is mankeeping ? 'Mankeeping', a clever and culturally resonant play on 'kinkeeping' (the caregiving women often perform in families), is a blend of the words man and housekeeping, recently coined by researchers at Stanford University under psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara (alongside Dylan P. Vergara), and refers to the growing emotional labor that women shoulder in heterosexual relationships. What does it mean? It describes the emotional labor many heterosexual women find themselves performing—unkindly unpaid yet deeply taxing. This includes being a partner's crisis hotline, mood manager, social secretary, and confidante, often without reciprocal care. From becoming a live-in therapist to taking on the role of social secretary, many women find themselves decoding their partner's moods, orchestrating his social calendar, and providing emotional caregiving without reciprocation. It's not just an occasional favor—it's a habitual, exhausting duty embedded in daily life. In a society where men often have fewer emotionally intimate friendships, romantic partners inadvertently become their primary support network. Stanford's research found that about 20% of US men report having no close friends, compared to women, who typically maintain richer, more emotionally engaged social circles. As a result, many women feel pressure to carry this emotional burden, on top of the mental load they already manage at work, home, and family. What does the study say? As reported by the NY Post, Stanford postdoctoral fellow and developmental psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara, during a talk at the Clayman Institute Faculty Research Fellows, 'In the US, about one in five men claim they have no close friends,' adding, 'In comparison to women's social networks, men's social networks in the US and UK tend to be thinner in depth, less frequent in emotional disclosure, and more rarely relied on for support. ' What does that mean? He has no one else to talk to, no friend to turn to — so he picks his female partner as the trauma-dumping ground. Ferrara argues this male loneliness epidemic isn't just a 'him' problem — it's a her burden. And it's pushing women to hit pause on relationships altogether. According to Pew Research , just 38% of single women are actively seeking love, compared to 61% of men. That math adds up to one blinking highlight: women are opting out of being 'therapists with benefits.' The driving force behind 'mankeeping': As Ferrara explained, 'This is the labor that women take on to shore up losses in men's social networks and reduce the burden of this isolation on families, on the heterosexual bond itself, and on men,' adding, 'The barriers that men are facing in their relationships have the potential to expand women's labor on men's behalf.' Ferrara dubs this draining duty 'mankeeping,' likening it to 'kinkeeping' — the thankless job of maintaining family bonds, which also mysteriously ends up in women's laps. And the root of it all? Stunted male friendships and toxic masculinity. The male friendship recession Studies show that men's social circles have shrunk significantly over the past few decades. Although there's ample evidence that men had close friendships at the turn of the twentieth century, post-industrially, some men see close male friendships as a threat to their manhood. For example, the AEI Survey Center on American Life found that the number of men with at least six close friends in North America and Australia dropped from 55% to 27% since 1990, while 51% of men say they lack a confidant altogether. Without strong emotional outlets, romantic partners often become primary emotional support—a shift that burdens women with additional responsibilities. Gendered social conditioning Women are culturally conditioned from a young age to nurture, remember birthdays, organize gatherings, and maintain emotional harmony. Meanwhile, men are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability, internalizing the idea that 'real men' don't need emotional support. Growing awareness, diminishing infrastructure While more men now seek mental health support, many lack male friendships or group spaces where they can process emotions. The result? Unsurprisingly, the emotional load falls on their female partners. The emotional toll on women This dynamic is far more than an emotional hassle — it has real-world ramifications: Burnout and exhaustion From comforting a partner after job loss to ensuring they stay socially engaged, many women spend hours weekly on mankeeping activities. With existing responsibilities—work, family, personal pursuits—these added hours push many past their limit. Resentment and feeling unseen When emotional labor is one-sided, women often feel undervalued. Consider the friend who consoles her husband after he lost a golf game, yet he can't reciprocate when she shares her own worries. Erosion of self-worth and identity Constant caregiving can eclipse a woman's own needs and goals, leaving her emotionally depleted, less affirmed in her own identity. Relationship fallout Research indicates that women who invest more emotional work than they receive are likelier to feel less love in their relationships and are at increased risk of divorce. Why does this matter beyond individual couples? Relationship dynamics: Women increasingly 'opt-out' of dating or marriage, as according to Pew Research , with only 38% of single women pursuing love versus 61% of men. Gender norms: Frankly naming and addressing mankeeping challenges, outdated expectations that women should be emotional caregivers. Societal health: By identifying and acknowledging male loneliness, it raises questions about mental health, friendship, cross-gender interdependence, and what sustainable balance looks like. The way forward: As per Ferrara, naming this invisible labor is a first step toward equity. Recognizing and naming this form of gendered labor may be important for making women's emotional work more visible — and hopefully, more equal, she stressed. Acknowledge and name the labor: Simply naming mankeeping makes invisible work visible. It opens space for honest conversations about fairness and partnership. Set clear boundaries: Women learning to say 'I can't process this tonight' are reclaiming emotional capacity. Empathy doesn't mean unlimited availability. Encourage male emotional networks: Men building support through therapy, men's groups, or male friendships—such as Gen‑Z 'good night calls'—shift emotional reliance from romantic partners. Share the emotional load: Couples should identify specific emotional tasks—check‑ins, organizing social engagements, mood‑monitoring—and balance them intentionally. Create broader support structures: Workplaces, communities, and policy-makers can uplift mental health infrastructure—making emotional work less limited inside the periphery of romantic relationships. Katrina Kaif gets emotional, opens up on her break-up with Ranbir Kapoor One step to a healthier you—join Times Health+ Yoga and feel the change
Mint
10-06-2025
- Mint
What your boss makes of your apology
To read more of The Economist's data journalism visit our Graphic detail page. CANADIANS LOVE to say they're sorry (or 'sore"-y). One oft-quoted poll found that 90% of Canadians aged 18-25 would immediately apologise if a stranger bumped into them. Britons (who love a 'sorry, mate!") use the word at four times the rate Americans do. Remorseful Chinese say 'dway-boo-chee" (对不起), although such feelings are often left unspoken. A study of workers in China, Japan and Malaysia found that the Chinese were the most likely to admit guilt—but the least likely to actually apologise. Across all cultures, women are often thought to apologise more than men. Career experts think this can hold women back—they say it comes across as unserious or even incompetent. Lily Liu and Marshall Mo, both economists at Stanford, set out to quantify the gender gap, and study its implications. The researchers split 700 people (all Americans) into 'workers" and 'employers". The workers answered multiple-choice questions from a standardised test; the employers evaluated their performances and decided who would be 'promoted". The workers were also asked to write a series of messages to their employer to try and sway the outcome. Although men and women performed equally well on the test—they scored 4.16 and 4.24 out of ten, respectively—women were twice as likely to include the words 'sorry" or 'apologise" in their messages. When asked to rate how apologetic they actually were, from 0 to 100, women who had failed the test averaged 69 while men who had failed averaged 61. Part of this apology gap had to do with confidence: the men thought they answered four of the ten questions correctly, on average, compared with 3.2 out of ten for the women. But even after controlling for confidence women apologised 12% more often. How did this affect their chance of a promotion? The employers inferred lower ability from the workers who offered apologies. And—despite knowing that women generally apologise more—the employers judged women more harshly than their male counterparts. However, bosses also reported 'feeling warmer" towards them. These offsetting effects meant that the more apologetic workers were promoted just as often as other employees. Such experiments do not always translate to the real world. But the lesson seems to be that workers need not avoid warm, apologetic phrases in their correspondences, if all they are angling for is a promotion. When it comes to furthering your career, at least in a Stanford lab, it doesn't hurt to say 'I'm sorry".
Indian Express
04-06-2025
- Indian Express
‘It's a brawl world after all': Disneyland Shanghai turns chaotic over line-cutting dispute
Disneyland is often described as the happiest place on earth; certainly not a place where you'd expect a physical fight. But that's exactly what unfolded at Disneyland Park in Shanghai, China. According to local media reports via Viral Press, a heated argument between two couples waiting at the Crazy Animal City attraction escalated into a physical altercation. The couple, reportedly with a child in tow, were said to be arguing over line-cutting. One couple was also attempting to take a photo together when they were allegedly blocked by the other family, the New York Post reported. In the now-viral clip, two men, one dressed in black, the other in white, can be seen grappling with each other as a woman in a bunny-ear hat tries desperately to separate them. Park-goers, including several children, can be seen watching in shock. The same woman then turns and aggressively shoves a mother holding a child. The video shows the mother screaming and crouching to the ground, clutching her child tightly to her chest in fear. Moments later, the same woman returns to wedge herself between the fighting men once again, this time, grabbing one of them by the throat. The X handle of the New York Post – @nypost – shared the video on Instagram with the caption, 'It's a brawl world after all. A wild fight erupted at Disneyland after a couple and another couple with their child got into a heated argument over line-cutting.' The video has since gained 260 thousand views and 6.2 thousand likes on the social media platform. A post shared by New York Post (@nypost) The viewers were sort of entertained and kind of shocked seeing the brawl. One user commented, 'Don't ask why but the volume was muted but I had the Benny Hill theme song playing on my phone. Absolute cinema.' Another user commented, 'As a mother— why would you even let your kid be exposed enough to get hit.' A third user wrote, 'Doesn't seem like the happiest place on earth.' A fourth user said, 'Gawd, literally the only normal person in this video is the kind woman who took the child out of the crying moms arm to keep her from getting hit (again).' While the New York Post reported that only minor injuries were sustained, both couples could be facing a lifetime ban from Disneyland under the park's strict rules against any form of violence.
