How to Preserve Your Sense of Self in a Relationship

If you are in a relationship, you may find that your sense of self is not as strong as it may have been when you were single. Here are four actions you can take to improve your sense of self.
Your sense of self is your perception of the collection of characteristics that define you. If you are in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, you may feel that you have lost some of your own identity.
While this is natural and OK, there are a few things you can do to preserve or rebuild your sense of self.
Maintain separate hobbies
It's important to continue engaging in the hobbies and activities you like—or even pick up new ones that interest you—even if your partner does not like them.
Moreover, hobbies can be beneficial for your overall health. A 2023 study of over 90,000 older adults found that those who engaged in hobbies experienced:
fewer depressive symptoms
increased levels of self-reported health
higher levels of happiness
greater life satisfaction
If your personal health and happiness improve, it can also benefit your relationship. Doing what you love is also important for feeling a personal sense of fulfillment and contentment, and you should not give it up completely.
Hobbies you can start (or pick up again!)
If you are looking for something new to invest time into, you may consider some of the following:
journaling or scrapbooking
crocheting
reading
yoga or meditation
walking or running
creative writing
painting or sketching
cooking
volunteering
See your friends
It can be easy to spend all of your time with your partner, especially if you live together. While spending time with each other is important, it is also equally important to maintain the other relationships in your life.
A 2018 study found that strong friendships can help you cope with stress more effectively and decrease your risk of encountering stress in the first place.
Another 2023 study found that friendships may improve your overall well-being and offer emotional security.
Friendships can offer things that your relationship may lack. For example, your friends may enjoy doing different activities or talking about different topics with you than your partner.
Overall, friendship is a different and needed kind of bond that is important to have in your life.
Carve out your own spaces
If feasible, having space to yourself in your living area can be beneficial. This area can be as large as an office or hobby room, or simply a designated chair in the corner of the living room that is viewed as your space.
The idea is that when you are in this space, you can have time to yourself. It is ultimately your call on how much contact you want from your partner in this space—you may allow them to pop in if they knock, or tell them not to disturb you unless there is an emergency.
Whether it is not feasible to have your own space in your home or you just want additional space for yourself, you can also carve out your own spaces outside of your home. This can mean going to cafes, stores, parks, or libraries by yourself.
Communicate
The key to all of the above recommendations is to communicate clearly with your partner. Be transparent about what you are thinking and feeling, and clear about what you need from them. The same should go for them.
Establishing boundaries can be difficult at first if you have not established any boundaries with them previously. However, letting them know exactly what it is that you want can help them see your point of view and help you reach that goal.
Your partner may also be able to offer insight into your own sense of self. They know you well, and they can share their perspective about what makes you, you.

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