Marriage is a game. Economics can teach us how to play it.
(Editor's note: Reprinted with permission from "Hate the Game: Economic Cheat Codes for Life, Love, and Work" by Daryl Fairweather, published by the University of Chicago Press. © 2025 by Daryl Rose Fairweather. All rights reserved.)
Marriage is a negotiation game. A marriage involves compromises that need to be negotiated. For example, decisions about money, work, chores, children, and aging parents must be agreed upon. If the inside terms of the negotiation are worse than the outside options for either spouse, the negotiation will fall apart, along with the marriage.
Marriage is a commitment game. Every day we play commitment games with our future selves. For example, when I buy an elliptical machine for my home, I commit to using it. If I don't follow through on that commitment, the purchase becomes a costly mistake. However, it is much easier to sell an elliptical machine than to get a divorce. If you or your partner cannot predict what you each want one, five, or ten years into the marriage, you may wake up one morning and ask for a divorce.
In economics, time inconsistency refers to a situation in which a person's preferences shift over time to the point where they cannot make optimal choices if the consequences come in the future. When I purchase an elliptical machine today, I do so with the intention that my future self will want to exercise on it. Similarly, when people get married today, they do so with the intention that their future selves will also want to be married. However, sometimes our intentions differ from reality. When it comes time to use the elliptical machine, I may not feel motivated to exercise. When intentions don't align with actions, it's easy to make regrettable choices. That applies to the choices of whether to buy the elliptical machine and whether to say 'I do.'
It's hard to anticipate what your future self will be like because it is common for a person's objectives to change over time. Believing that your future preferences will be the same as your current preferences is a form of projection bias. Projection bias is the tendency for individuals to overestimate the extent to which their current preferences, attitudes, or beliefs will remain consistent over time. People underappreciate how their choices, experiences, and environment can change themselves. For example, projection bias can cause a hungry shopper to buy too many groceries. When someone is hungry, they tend to underappreciate how their taste might change after going home and having a meal. Likewise, an engaged couple may similarly underappreciate how their relationship objectives might change after the honeymoon phase.
To combat projection bias when deciding to get married, make an educated guess about your future self and try to imagine multiple scenarios. This is the same exercise I recommend for deciding to buy a home. But when it comes to marriage — which comes with even more emotions than purchasing a home — it's essential to take a step back and view the relationship objectively. (It may help to pretend your relationship isn't your own but that of a close friend.) Think through the best-case scenarios and the worst-case scenarios for the relationship. Weigh each scenario by its likelihood, and make a decision that makes you the best off in the most likely scenarios while still making plans for less likely scenarios. If the default divorce laws in your state or country don't adequately protect you against the worst-case scenarios, then a prenuptial agreement may be in order.
To make matters more complicated, the negotiation and commitment games within a marriage can affect each other. For example, when a couple constantly engages in brinkmanship to win every marital negotiation, that is a sign the couple is not committed to the relationship. The movie "Two Can Play That Game" warns of the dangers of brinkmanship. In the end, Vivica A. Fox's character learns that her constant threats to leave her boyfriend have weakened her chances of having a healthy, committed relationship.
In game theory, brinkmanship is when players engage in a high-stakes game of chicken. Players attempt to gain the upper hand by taking increasingly risky actions to force the opposition to retreat. This strategy is often used when players are locked in a dispute and neither side is willing to compromise. For example, during a cold war, a country may threaten to use nuclear weapons to force the other side to agree to their demands. In a relationship, a partner may threaten to go nuclear: threatening a breakup to force the other partner to give in. However, for this tactic to be effective, the threats must be credible. No cheap talk.
But who would want to be in a relationship when they are constantly treated like the enemy? Winning a short-term game of brinkmanship can degrade a partner's expectations about the value of the relationship moving forward and increase the likelihood that, eventually, the relationship will end.
Making a binding and externally forced commitment, like getting legally married, can help end relationship brinkmanship. That's according to research published in the Journal of Law, Economics, and Organization. In the researchers' economic model, commitments with consequences end any brinkmanship. Brinkmanship is an irrational strategy when both sides know they would be worse off breaking the commitment.
So getting married can make a relationship more stable, but it doesn't make life easy. It's easier to worry only about personal goals. Being married is like participating in an endless group project. When things are going well, it's easy to recognize your partner's hard work, but when things are going badly, it's tempting to assign blame to your spouse. At 3 a.m., when the baby is crying, there's poop on the crib sheets, and the laundry is sitting wet in the washing machine, it's hard to stay rational. It's hard to remember you're both on the same team. You can't get mad at the baby, so you get mad at each other; you blame each other or yourselves.
I've learned that the only way to win a fight like that is to take a deep breath and repeat the mantra 'You're doing the best you can; we both are.' Because that kind of a fight isn't about negotiating terms, it's about accepting adversity as a fact of life.
"Two Can Play That Game" has a happy ending: both Fox and Chestnut verbally commit to stop playing games and instead work on creating the type of relationship they want to commit to, in good times and bad. It would be interesting to see a sequel that addresses whether that verbal agreement was a strong enough commitment to keep them together.
Half of first marriages end in divorce, and the share is even higher for second and third marriages. Therefore, it is safe to assume that most couples consider divorce at some point.
Getting married is like locking yourself in a gated garden and throwing away the key; divorce is like picking the lock. Divorce is costly, but when the outside option of ending the marriage is more valuable than remaining married, the cost can be worth the gain.
Some people will never choose to pick the lock. They value the idea of marriage too much; it's too important, for personal, religious, or social reasons. Others see divorce as a viable outside option, especially when the garden is dead, dying, or unhealthy.
Even without divorce, all marriages end at some point. If a marriage doesn't end in divorce, it will end in death, so either way, one person is going to have to go on independently for a short or long rest of their life — a reminder to not take options for granted, because options can go away.
Daryl Fairweather is the author of "Hate the Game: Economic Cheat Codes for Life, Love, and Work" and the chief economist of Redfin.
This article originally appeared on Indianapolis Star: 'Hate the Game': What economics tells us about marriage | Opinion
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
15 hours ago
- Yahoo
These are the most important pictures you'll ever take, and it's why I never put my camera down
When you buy through links on our articles, Future and its syndication partners may earn a commission. There's a strange, quiet ache that comes with growing older. It creeps in softly, first in the absence of a familiar laugh at a family gathering, then in the gap on the end of a group photo where someone used to stand. Over the years, I've watched people I love slowly fade away. Some were taken too soon, while others passed away by the natural order of life. And through it all, I've come to realise that photography, for me, has never been about perfection or portfolios. It's about presence. It's about holding on. I carry a camera almost everywhere now. Not because I'm chasing a shot, but because I know too well that life doesn't warn you when it's about to change. One day, your dad's leaning back in a garden chair, telling an old story, and the next, that voice becomes memory. I've learned that the small, unplanned frames – the candid laugh, the tilt of a head, the light falling just right on a moment you didn't expect – can become your most precious possessions. They're not just photographs; they're echoes. There's something humbling about documenting your own life. About making a record, not of events, but of people. It's not glamorous or curated. It's not meant for likes or followers. It's about the truth of time passing, of relationships evolving, of capturing the essence of a person before the world changes again. When someone you love is no longer around, and you don't have a photo of them in that fleeting, forgotten moment, that's a hollow space nothing can fill. So now, at every family gathering, at every Sunday roast or quiet coffee, I make sure the camera comes out. Not in a way that intrudes or interrupts, but simply so that something remains. A glance, a smile, a hug. I photograph my child with their grandparents because I know, one day, those images will tell stories they're too young to understand now. And, one day, when I become part of the older generation, I hope they'll look back and see the love we shared frozen in silver and light. It's a bitter pill to swallow – that we will all, eventually, lose the people we can't imagine life without. But photographs offer something more than memory. They offer proof. Proof that we lived, that we laughed, that we loved. They let us hold onto moments that time tries to take. And when grief dulls the details, the images remain sharp. Photography, at its heart, isn't about cameras or technique. It's about people. It's about making peace with the fact that every frame might be a goodbye – and taking the shot anyway.
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Yahoo
The moment I knew: as I signed the waiver for his emergency brain surgery, I felt pure devotion
In 2022, I was going through motions. I was burned out after shepherding two restaurants through Melbourne's Covid lockdowns and emotionally burned to the ground by a failed marriage. It had been a big few years; I had sworn off love and was taking life slowly. Despite all this, in late spring I found myself chatting online with a charming gardener-cum-physicist called Scott. A few weeks later, our first phone call lasted until the sun came up. I had been captivated by his boundless capacity for a chat but I didn't hear from him for a few weeks after that. I wondered if it was because I'd asked him on more than one occasion to pipe down so I could contribute to the conversation, or if my cynical side had made an unflattering appearance in my wine haze. Related: The moment I knew: I'd had lots of lovers during our open relationship – then I realised I could trust him with my life But no love was lost, Scott reappeared a few weeks later and we recommenced our correspondence with vigour. On New Year's Day 2023 I invited him over. It was another all-nighter of nonstop chatting and we talked at length about the dire state of my garden. A couple of weeks later he showed up completely unannounced, secateurs in hand, ready to tackle it. What I've learned about Scott since is that his love language is very much 'acts of service'. He is so happy to help anyone with their annoying tasks; he just loves being helpful. But of course my first encounter with his knight-in-shining-armour routine made me feel very special indeed. Unfortunately, in my shame, I'd already paid someone to get my yard in shape (not that I admitted the outsourcing to him). Impressed by the work I hadn't done and hellbent on making himself useful, Scott decided he'd clean out the gutters. We got up on the roof and worked together – Scott doing the dirty work and me climbing up and down the ladder with the bucket. Sharing this mundane task was an unexpected bonding experience. We'd later talk about how seen and safe we felt in each other's company that day. It's gone down in the annals of our relationship as 'Gutter Day'. He moved in about six months later. I couldn't believe myself, the dainty goth courting a gruff tradesman. I began working at a bar and we continued to livestream our thoughts via text while he was at home and I flirted with strangers and upsold wanky wines. Just a few weeks later, in late June, I came home to find Scott sleeping. We'd always chat over a nightcap together before retiring, so this was unusual. But he'd been working hard so I didn't worry too much until the following day. When he was still drowsy the next evening, something felt off. I called our neighbour Michelle, an emergency nurse, who suggested we go to hospital. By the time we arrived Scott was struggling to string a sentence together and was whisked away within moments of being triaged. When they wheeled him back post-MRI, he was soft, tired and looking so vulnerable. Then the news came that Scott had a 1.1cm subarachnoid aneurysm on his brain that had been haemorrhaging for maybe 24 hours. I went as white as a sheet but it quickly became apparent that I was going to have to save my emotional breakdown for later, step up, contact his family (whom I'd never met) and make some extremely high-stakes decisions about his treatment path. It was then and there, as I was confronted with the idea that I might lose him, that I knew I could not be without him. As I nervously signed the waiver, I felt pure devotion. Related: The moment I knew: I worried he was a playboy, then a friend reassured me Scott's surgery went well but he was placed in an induced coma for a few days. When he came to he had zero filter. That rawness could have revealed a darker side but instead I got confirmation that even at his most uncensored, Scott is kind and caring to the core. One of his most vivid hallucinations, which he told me about in detail, involved him spending the entire night helping the nurses catch up on their paperwork. Scott came home two months later and, while his recovery wasn't without its frustrations and challenges, the mere thought of being anywhere else didn't cross my mind. Of course there were days I could have slept in the garden in a tent just to get a break from his incessant chatting but I knew I would never, ever leave him. He was my guy, no matter how many times I had to repeat myself, or listen to him repeat himself! Two years on, Scott has pretty much fully recovered and is still the same gorgeous dork I fell in love with. We spend our days pottering in the garden, or at the stove, or by the fire on cold nights. The dark days seem like another life but they weren't – they were just the beginning of ours.
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Yahoo
How to Glow-Up Your Love & Dating Life, Based on Your Zodiac Sign
How to Glow-Up Your Love & Dating Life, Based on Your Zodiac Sign originally appeared on Parade. Are you running into the same problems in all of your relationships? Maybe the situation or person has changed, but the relationship dynamics have stayed the same. According to expert astrologers, each zodiac sign can improve its relationships by identifying unhealthy patterns and habits that hinder each zodiac sign's connections. If you're ready to attract your soulmate, fix an existing troubling connection, and evolve into fulfilling dynamics, read for professional insights. While there are many ways to use astrology to improve your relationship, you only need to look at one thing in your birth chart–your twelfth house. Your twelfth house speaks to everything you can identify to improve your relationship, because the twelfth house indirectly influences your seventh house. What does this mean in layman's terms? Your seventh house rules over marriage, partnership, and commitment. The seventh house speaks to the quality of your relationship, from the kind of person you attract to how you approach your relationship. While your seventh house may allude to some problems and issues, you'll actually find the answers you seek in your twelfth house. The twelfth house rules over projection, hidden issues, and hidden talents. It acts as an unconscious energy, because the twelfth house is the blind spot to your seventh house. So, you may accidentally skip the twelfth house when you're using astrology as a tool to improve your relationship. But if you know how your seventh house is indirectly affected by your twelfth house, you can use your twelfth house to improve the underlying issues in your relationship. MORE: Your Aura Color, Based on Birth Month Keep reading, and look for your Sun, Moon, and Rising signs. Healthy boundaries will make a world of difference, Aries. Despite being independent and strong-willed, you would do anything for someone you love. Against your better judgment, you may disregard how you feel or what you want to keep the peace in your relationship. You need to strike a balance with how much you do for your partner with Pisces ruling your twelfth house. Improving your relationship requires healthy boundaries derived from accountability, self-awareness, and strength. Don't be afraid to set your boundaries. Your partner will understand and respect your boundaries if they truly love you. Taurus Confrontation can be useful if done right, Taurus. You might naturally gravitate toward more intense, compelling relationships instead of quiet, seemingly boring ones. The initially exciting vibe can turn extreme, causing you to feel unsure and unstable. You may not know what to say or how to address something, since Aries rules your twelfth house. However, your relationship may not improve until you say something. You won't be perfect at first, but your ability to address underlying problems will get better over time. By proxy, your relationship will improve over time since you and your lover will know what to work on. Being accommodating and steadfast is the key to your relationship's success, Gemini. As a mutable air sign, you prefer to go with the flow. Your flexibility allows your relationship to ebb and flow. Although you may not mind this easygoing vibe, you may still subconsciously need more consistency with Taurus ruling your twelfth house. A deep desire for steadiness lies underneath your adaptable attitude. Your relationship will vastly improve when you let your partner know you need more from them. Last-minute changes and other inconsistencies won't always work for you. Don't be afraid to ask for more stability to improve your relationship. NEXT: Each Zodiac Sign's Tarot Card (Minor Arcana), According to a Reader Don't be afraid to talk it out, Cancer. Typically, you have no problem expressing what's on your heart. Your lunar-ruled personality makes it easy for you to be vulnerable and emotional. However, you may falter in your relationships. Your partner's mature, if stoic, demeanor may deter you from sharing your sentimental nature. However, you cannot pretend that you don't have emotions or hold back from expressing yourself. Since Gemini rules your twelfth house, you will have to learn how to create a safe space for deep conversations. Learning to talk to one another will enhance the quality of your relationship. Vulnerability will deepen your relationship, Leo. Despite being a passionate fire sign, you may gravitate toward cool, if detached, partners. Your relationship is likely friendly and authentic, but not overly emotional. Although you may initially appreciate this, your Cancer twelfth house suggests you need more depth in your connection. You may not feel like you can truly express yourself if your partner is not giving you much to work with. Set the intention to improve your relationship by allowing yourself to be emotional. Your relationship should be a safe space to be sensitive and empathetic. OTHER: Which Spirit Animal Walks With You, Based on Zodiac Sign It's not always about one person in a relationship, Virgo. Given that you're aligned with service, it's understandable if you feel a deep need to serve your partner. Your relationship is your everything. If you could, you'd probably make your relationship your full-time job. Although your desire to constantly help your partner and work on your relationship is admirable, you should refocus your attention on yourself. Your Leo twelfth house implies you need to get comfortable being a little selfish. Remember to fill your cup before refilling your partner's cup. Making yourself a priority will ultimately improve your relationship. Picking and choosing your battles will lessen the anxiety in your relationship, Libra. Usually, you prefer to keep the peace. But there's something about your relationship that brings out your inner fighter. Whether you're outright confrontational or passive-aggressive, you don't easily back down in your relationship. Some of this may stem from being overly particular, nitpicky, and stressed. Your Virgo twelfth house suggests you can improve your relationship by being more mindful of what you choose to address with your partner. You can maintain your boundaries and standards without making a mountain of a molehill. FURTHER: What Your Juno Sign Reveals About Soulmates, Love & Commitment Playing the waiting game will be a losing game, Scorpio. Love takes time, but not this much time. You typically only strike once to ensure you won't miss. Although this is a great strategy for your work life or personal goals, it may not suffice in a relationship. You cannot wait forever for the right time, place, etc. to do something in your relationship. Since Libra rules your twelfth house, you are encouraged to be more confident in your decision-making skills. Don't wait too long, or else you might miss the chance to improve your relationship. When should you let someone in, Sagittarius? As a carefree fire sign, you're usually upfront about who you are and what you think. But you might accidentally clamp down when you're in a relationship. Maybe you're afraid of scaling your lover away, or you might struggle with vulnerability. Regardless of what it is, your Scorpio twelfth house encourages you to feel empowered when you let someone into your life. Your relationship improves when you aren't afraid and take the time to show your partner the good, the bad, and the ugly. Having strong feelings can go either way, Capricorn. Your stoicism implies you come across as calm, cool, and collected despite attracting sensitive partners. As your relationship progresses, you may have a deep desire to share your beliefs and hopes. Sagittarius rules your twelfth house, which suggests you need to be in a like-minded relationship. You and your partner should feel the same way about the same things, but you won't know until you let your partner see this side of you. Show how much you care, and watch your relationship improve as you grow closer together. READ: What Kind of Witch You Are, Based on Your Zodiac Sign Making someone your everything doesn't lead to a healthy relationship, Aquarius. Typically, your independence makes you aloof and detached. However, you tend to fall hard when you get into a relationship. Before you know it, your partner becomes your whole world. As much as you may care for them, your Capricorn twelfth house implies you need structure, or else your whole world will revolve around your relationship. Getting yourself on a semi-structured routine can help you carve out time for yourself while also making time for your relationship. Doing so will enhance your relationship in ways you would have never expected. Don't read into everything your lover says or does, Pisces. Your empathetic watery energy is highly susceptible to everything around you. The slightest energetic shift can throw your whole mood off. As a result, you might be highly anxious about what your partner thinks, wants, desires, and more. Worrying this much will only cause more long-term stress in your relationship. Your Aquarius twelfth house encourages you to disconnect ever so slightly to help you feel less stressed. Your relationship will greatly improve when you practice detachment to bring your anxiety levels down. How to Glow-Up Your Love & Dating Life, Based on Your Zodiac Sign first appeared on Parade on Jun 19, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 19, 2025, where it first appeared.
