‘The Phoenician Scheme' is a cinematic scam

It's a well-known fact that I am not a fan of Wes Anderson's movies. I find them repetitive, relentlessly twee, and joyless, with actors delivering stilted dialogue as if they were talking robots whose batteries were about to die. This opinion has gotten me into trouble: Some of the angriest—and most racist—e-mails I've received have been after reviews of Anderson's films. His fans make Marvel stans look like pussycats.
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I may not be a fan, but Anderson did get three positive reviews out of me. I thought about what endeared me to '
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Mathieu Amalric as Marseille Bob, Michael Cera as Bjorn, Benicio Del Toro as Zsa-Zsa Korda, Mia Threapleton as Liesl, and Jeffrey Wright as Marty.
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But even at their worst, I used to think Anderson's films were visually interesting. It's the trait for which he's most known and celebrated. But as of late, his films have become rife with eye-scorching ugliness. In
'The Phoenician Scheme' is a 1950s period piece that looks even more obnoxious. The opening credits play atop a bird's eye view of Korda's bathroom
as he takes a bath. Its layout resembles a schematic drawing that's mostly made up of a searing white palette. The entire scene is done in one overhead shot populated with white-costumed servants going about their business. The result hurt my eyes so much I had to look away several times.
It only gets worse from there, as Korda goes to visit Liesl (Kate Winslet's daughter, Mia Threapleton), the only daughter in his brood of ten children. She's a novice nun dressed in an white outfit that makes her resemble a folded handkerchief with a face. Liesl will be the sole heir to her father's ill-gotten estate, items
represented by several neat shoeboxes with labels on them. These boxes also contain information that will help them carry out a scheme in the fictional European country of Phoenicia.
Liesl is not interested. She's devout in her faith and believes Korda murdered her mother. He insists that the murder was committed by her Uncle Nubar (Benedict Cumberbatch, looking like Rasputin with a bad hangover). Proving she's as stubborn as her father, Liesl digs in her heels about taking her vows. But, with people trying (and failing) every ten minutes or so to assassinate Korda, he figures he'd better teach Liesl everything she needs to know before he's killed. She acquiesces.
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I shouldn't imply that no one gets close to successfully offing Korda. He has several near-death experiences where he ascends to Heaven. These are shot in black-and-white, in a different aspect ratio, and feature Willem Dafoe and F. Murray Abraham. God is represented by Bill Murray hiding behind a gigantic beard.
Bill Murray stars as God.
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Back on Earth, Korda swindles a wide variety of characters in cutesy vignettes that repeat the same unfunny joke. The list of victims includes Tom Hanks and Bryan Cranston as basketball loving brothers; Jeffrey Wright as an American named Marty; the club owner Marseille Bob (Mathieu Amalric); and a prince named Farouk (Riz Ahmed). Scarlett Johansson also shows up as Korda's cousin, Hilda, to whom he proposes marriage. Unlike her major role in 'Asteroid City,' she has about three lines in this movie.
Every character I just mentioned is dressed in ridiculous makeup and costumes. They each also get a grenade as a present from Korda, which they all accept in the same manner.
I'll never understand how Anderson keeps getting casts so large they would make disaster movie maven Irwin Allen jealous. They're just as disposable and interchangeable as Allen's fodder in films like 'The Poseidon Adventure.' But Anderson does manage one major casting success. As Bjorn, an awkward insect specialist hired as a tutor for Liesl, Michael Cera gives a career-best performance. He and Threapleton somehow manage to make Anderson's dreadful dialogue style work.
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Michael Cera as Bjorn and Mia Threapleton as Liesl.
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There's another director Anderson deserves to be compared to: his fellow Oscar winner, Tyler Perry. If that comparison immediately raised your hackles and stirred your rage, you should seriously look in the mirror and ask yourself why. Despite hiding behind thin and seemingly different plots (the story here is a half-hearted attempt to debate religion vs. capitalist greed), both of these guys keep making the same movie over and over.
Neither of them has to change their tired formats. In Perry's case, his fans continue to flock to his repetitive, faith-based movies—with and without Madea. In Anderson's case, film critics dance the Hucklebuck every time he puts out one of these out, forgiving him his trespasses and ignoring the glaring issues his movies have.
It's not a coincidence that both Perry and Anderson have movies opening on the same day—at least not in my mind. And it's June 6, the birthday of Damien, Satan's son in 'The Omen,' which is appropriate.
★
THE PHOENICIAN SCHEME
Written and directed by Wes Anderson. Starring Benicio del Toro, Mia Threapleton, Michael Ceara, Tom Hanks, Bryan Cranston, Jeffrey Wright, Benedict Cumberbatch, Willem Dafoe, F. Murray Abraham, Bill Murray, Mathieu Amalric, Riz Ahmed, Scarlett Johanssen. At Coolidge Corner, Dedham Community Theatre, Landmark Kendall Square, Alamo Drafthouse Seaport, AMC Causeway, suburbs. 101 min. PG-13 (this is pretty violent for a comedy)
Odie Henderson is the Boston Globe's film critic.

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