13 Relationship Behaviors That Are Actually Power Plays in Disguise
Not all control looks like yelling or manipulation. Sometimes, power dynamics sneak in quietly, disguised as concern, politeness, or even love. These subtle behaviors often go unnoticed until the relationship feels more like a power struggle than a partnership.
Whether it's emotional withdrawal, strategic silence, or constant 'help,' control can wear many masks. And if you constantly feel off-balance, second-guessing yourself, or trying to 'earn' safety in the relationship, these hidden power plays might be part of the reason. Here's what to watch for.
According to BetterHelp, selective memory can sometimes be used as a defense mechanism where a person may intentionally "forget" certain events or information to avoid taking responsibility or to manipulate a situation. This behavior aligns with how someone might 'forget' important personal details you've shared, not out of genuine forgetfulness but as a way to control or dominate interactions.
This selective memory isn't always innocent. Sometimes, forgetting is a way to reassert control by reminding you that your needs aren't the priority. When someone's memory is sharp everywhere except where it matters to you, that's not forgetfulness—it's dominance disguised as carelessness.
They go cold for hours—or days—after an argument. No resolution, no closure, just silence that leaves you anxious and emotionally scrambling. It's less about processing and more about punishing.
Withholding communication creates an imbalance of power. You're left guessing, apologizing, or over-functioning to restore peace. Silence isn't always passive—it can be a weapon.
They go out of their way to do something for you, then later remind you of it like you owe them. That unsolicited favor turns into leverage. Suddenly, your gratitude is expected on demand.
When help comes with strings attached, it's not generosity's a power move. True support doesn't keep receipts. But this kind of behavior ensures the scales of the relationship are always tilted in their favor. Research by Bo Feng and Eran Magen on Sage Journal shows that unsolicited help can frustrate recipients' psychological needs for autonomy and competence, leading to feelings of resentment and diminished well-being. A study published on PsyPost explains how unwanted help, especially when imposed without consent, can have lasting negative effects on the recipient's sense of autonomy and mental health.
It starts as 'just teasing'—a light jab about your appearance, your quirks, your past. Everyone laughs, including them, while you sit frozen, humiliated. Later, they say you're being 'too sensitive.'
Humor that hits a nerve isn't harmless—it's a disguised dig. Making you the punchline in front of others is a calculated way to assert dominance while pretending it's affection. And when it's done consistently, it's about control, not comedy.
You say something, and they immediately correct you. Not because you were wrong, but because they need to prove a point, usually in front of a group. It's not about the topic, it's about the power shift.
This kind of public contradiction isn't an intellectual's performative. It subtly positions them as the 'rational' one and you as misinformed. Over time, it chips away at your credibility and your confidence. Studies on the effects of conflict in relationships explain how such disagreements, especially when public and frequent, can undermine social connections and increase stress, highlighting the damaging impact of this behavior on personal credibility and well-being.
You bring up something that hurt you, and suddenly, you're the problem. 'You're too emotional,' 'You're reading into it,' or 'I was just trying to help.' Your reality is rewritten in real-time.
This isn't conflict resolution—it's emotional gaslighting. By minimizing your feelings, they maintain the upper hand in every disagreement. Power doesn't need to yell—it can whisper, 'You're being dramatic.'
As noted in a study published on PubMed, power imbalances in romantic relationships as when one partner makes decisions without including the other-are associated with lower relationship quality. The research highlights that unequal decision-making power can negatively affect relationship satisfaction and dynamics, underscoring the importance of mutual involvement in major decisions to maintain healthy partnerships.
In healthy relationships, autonomy is mutual. When one person constantly moves without you, they're asserting dominance under the guise of independence. Exclusion isn't always loud—it's strategic.
You try to speak, and they talk over you, cut you off, or finish your sentences for you. It's subtle, but persistent. You walk away from conversations feeling unheard and small.
Interruptions aren't always about enthusiasm—they can be about control. The message is: My voice matters more than yours. Over time, this dynamic creates silence where your opinions used to live.
You opened up about your childhood, your fears, your past, and now it's used against you in arguments or sarcastic comments. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it stings deeply. What was sacred becomes strategic.
This is one of the most manipulative power plays: turning intimacy into ammunition. When someone uses your openness to gain control, they're not being careless—they're being calculating. Trust shouldn't be a trap.
One day they're all in—the next, they're distant, distracted, hard to reach. You're constantly trying to read the room, figure out what version of them you're getting today. That unpredictability creates emotional instability.
Mixed signals aren't confusion—they're control. Keeping you off-balance ensures that you're always working to earn their warmth. It's not indecision—it's dominance wrapped in inconsistency.
You make them upset, and suddenly the hugs stop. They become emotionally unavailable or sexually distant without ever naming what's wrong. Affection becomes a reward, not a right.
This kind of behavior turns love into a transaction. You're left trying to 'behave' your way back into closeness. True connection doesn't use intimacy as leverage.
It sounds like a compliment at first—'She never used to get upset like this,' or 'My ex handled that better.' But the undertone is sharp. You're being measured against someone else, and you're coming up short.
Comparison is rarely about insight—it's about control. It keeps you in a state of emotional insecurity, always trying to prove you're 'enough.' People who want you to grow don't hold someone else over your head.
They say harsh things, then defend them with 'I'm just being real.' The honesty feels more like judgment than clarity. And somehow, their 'truth' always seems to make you smaller.
Honesty without empathy is often a veiled power move. It positions them as brave, rational, or superior while casting you as fragile. Real honesty uplifts—it doesn't bruise.
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