The world is laughing at Britain, and only Starmer hasn't noticed
So finally, Labour's policies are resulting in tax cuts, and the Laffer Curve is back in fashion. At last, people are going to keep more of their hard-earned money, a big chunk of the national debt will be paid off and, to cap it all, minimum salaries are going to be raised and VAT on food will be reduced.
Yes, the people of Mauritius sure have done well out of the Chagos deal. That £30 billion windfall, all paid for by the British taxpayer, is going to be put to excellent economy-boosting use. And who can blame them for celebrating? Their government has played an absolute blinder.
Of course, we could get all picky and start asking awkward questions about why the Chagos Islands should be surrendered at all, least of all to an African country more than a thousand miles across the Indian Ocean. But that would be to rain on the Mauritian parade. It's their day and their victory, and while it was against abject, third-rate opposition, we mustn't carp. There's nothing worse than a bad loser.
But we are within our rights, I reckon, to ask why good things always happen to other people. What are the chances of us British being gifted £30 billion from another country, plus a brand-new territory to paint pink on maps? I'm trying to think of an equivalent. Perhaps Spain paying us to take Tenerife off its hands, and throwing in the Women's World Cup as a juicy extra?
But we British are the baddies, so we must always pay for our sins. Some international court has told us exactly that, and under the Government we elected last summer, that's final. Never mind the humiliation, the terrifying security considerations and the almighty cost. And what about the Chagossians themselves, who have been treated disgracefully throughout? Oh, sod 'em.
This is the Starmer way. And hunker down, because we've got at least four more years of it. Are you happy now, you Tories who preferred to stay at home last July rather than strolling to the polling station? Ever think you might have been conned by all those bright red 'Change' placards behind Sir Keir?
Well, at least when Rachel Reeves breaks yet more promises and raises our taxes in her budget this autumn, and when she comes up with yet more tripe about black holes, working people, a changing world and fixing foundations, we'll know that the rest of the world is having a darn good laugh at our expense.
Yes, we are the butt of a hilarious joke by a mocking Mauritian government. And we can't complain. A baddy always gets a comeuppance in the end.
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