At 66, I've finally declared war on my wrinkles
At age 66, I've finally succumbed to face cream. I bought it at the chemist at the ridiculous price of $27.95 for a tiny jar. It's imported from Switzerland and promises to 'remove wrinkles'. Inspired by time-honoured male wisdom, I quickly decided that since a tiny amount is said to benefit the skin, giant handfuls of the stuff will be even more advantageous.
Which is why I now start every morning looking like Marcel Marceau.
Why has vanity suddenly overtaken me? I have never previously taken any trouble over my appearance. Up to now, I've been influenced by that lovely chunk of wisdom from Anthony Powell's A Dance to the Music of Time, warning against 'the awful fate of the man who always knows the right clothes to wear and the right shop to buy them at'.
I've worn torn jeans, rock T-shirts from before Midnight Oil was famous, and assorted shirts from that well-known businessman's accoutre-rer, Harris Scarfe Ulladulla. I have jumpers with 'built-in air-conditioning', my name for the holes that decorate both front and back, and shorts that could easily lead to a charge of public indecency.
And yet, here I am, slathering my cracked skin with face cream, offering particularly copious offerings to a section, just below my right eye, which has developed a large vertical gully, much like you'd see in a poorly farmed Western Australian wheat field.
In my anxiety, I'm reminded of a famous quote from George Orwell. 'At 50,' he wrote, 'everyone has the face he deserves.' I first read this when I was 15 and happily imagined the face I'd have 35 years later – one marked by a lifetime of laughter, with a sunburst of lines radiating from my mouth, and some crinkled kindness around the eyes.
Not a bit of it. At 66, it's just cruel thin lips, a forehead that's had a plough through it, and this unexpected outbreak of cheek-based erosion.
And so I slather on the expensive cream, a tightwad appalled by his own extravagance, as well as by his own tiresome vanity. 'You are a terrible person,' I say to my mirrored image, as I scoop out another over-priced handful.
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