Women Are Sharing The Burdens They Face In Relationships That Men Don't Even Think Twice About
Relationships require understanding and empathy from both partners, but sometimes there are experiences that one person simply can't fully grasp without living them. When u/Nescient_Noob asked women about the main burdens they face in relationships that men don't know or understand, the responses revealed a complex web of emotional labor, physical vulnerabilities, and societal expectations that many women navigate daily. Here are 22 of their answers:
1."My sister once said about her husband, 'When we host a party, he acts like he's one of the guests.' I feel like that sums it up."
—u/Snowconetypebanana
2."A pregnancy scare is something very different to a man than what it is to a woman."
—u/Top_Manufacturer8946
"Abortion also takes a huge emotional and physical toll. If it's even legal at all."
—u/minty_dinosaur
3."It seems like a lot of men want to have kids, but most of those men don't want to actually parent. Even some of the best dudes I know never considered what it means to be a parent. They just thought of it as playing catch with their boys and/or accompanying their girls to a daddy-daughter dance once a year. And yes, even the most 'feminist,' kind men had these gender roles in their heads before actually raising kids who may or may not be into things that align with typical gender roles."
—u/cometmom
4."I think for couples who want kids, there is an extremely different layer of fear for women than there is for men. You worry about your body and whether the man you chose is actually going to follow through on any promises he made. You also worry about things like work and losing your identity. It's just a lot sometimes."
—u/FriendlyBranch3035
5."I kept track of all my, my boyfriend's and our dog's doctor appointments. I kept track of our dog's medical records, filed the pet license, and found a daycare, training classes, and medical specialists. I remembered birthdays and events for our friends, my family, and his family; purchased gifts, wrapped them, and bought cards that he would just sign; planned vacations and weekends; budgeted; made restaurant reservations (even for my own birthday); paid the majority of bills; bought all necessary household items, from furniture to toilet paper. The list goes on. The only time we ever ran out was when he convinced me we already had toilet paper and toothpaste at home. When he cheated and broke up with me, he complained he had to buy everything from towels to hangers, meanwhile, I had to replace a router. Everything else I paid for. Being single is hard at times, but it's more peaceful than being responsible for an adult who did nothing to lighten the burden."
"The one time he was in charge of us going to his friend's wedding, we left late and had to stop on the way to get a card. He then suddenly remembered he needed a gift and realized there was no time to get one. He also couldn't find the address of the venue, and we arrived after the ceremony ended. The bride and groom stopped speaking to him for a while because they were pissed he was so late.
When it came to my friend's weddings, we were there on time, gift wrapped and card signed, with reservations for a nearby hotel made months earlier, as well as breakfast plans the day after."
—u/itsbeenanhour
6."Having to be the manager of the household. Grown men should not need to be told when to empty the dishwasher, or do laundry, or cook dinner. They shouldn't need a list, reminders, or management. The women in their lives should not have to 'ask for help.' If she's able to work out that the dishwasher is finished, so it should be emptied, he can work it out, too. Women aren't better at this stuff naturally — they just get on with it."
—u/strawbebbymilkshake
7."Men put a lot of effort into making us think they're just bumbling fools who don't know any better to trick or force us into doing it. They can take care of things themselves just fine when they're single. Their dishes still get done, and they suddenly remember how to cook and do laundry, too. It's only once they're living with a woman that they suddenly 'can't' do these things and become helpless babies who need women to swoop in and do everything. They're literally children, but worse, because children have an excuse. Men's excuse is they're sexist assholes who exploit women for their own lazy gain to maintain their homes and provide them children in exchange for what? Mediocre dicking downs that last 10 minutes if we're lucky? To be 'protected,' or some shit? Protected from whom? Other shitty men? Start holding shitty men accountable then!"
"Oh, but they won't, because deep down a lot of them know they're the shitty low-value man, and they know that upholding the gross bro code is all they've got going for their mediocre asses. So they do it."
—u/LilyHex
8."Women are not looking to replace your mother. We don't want to take care of you, mother you, and nag you. Take care of things as if you're responsible for everything. Come up with the grocery list. Initiate cleaning. You shouldn't have to be told. We are tired of thinking for you. This is also known as emotional labor."
—u/squatchmo123
9."Even if you've got a great partner, it's still such an incredibly vulnerable position to be in. My man is the best, and I have zero doubts about him — but that only heightens my fear because, holy fuck, I genuinely need him and if anything were to happen...I can't do this without him. Throughout the whole pregnancy, I've been fighting this sense of dread about complications. If my daughter is in trouble, will I realize it? Will I be able to do anything? If anything does happen, was it my fault? What if something goes wrong with the delivery? After all that, she might die — shit, I might die? Argh! It's so much pressure to be so directly responsible for an entire life. I've never felt more vulnerable, out of control, and helpless in my whole life!"
"Of course, there's plenty of good things about this whole journey, but IT'S A LOT."
—u/T1nyJazzHands
10."I've only been in one relationship, but it was literally impossible to explain to my significant other the ways in which he was being controlling, manipulative, coercive, creepy, etc. No explanation made sense to him. It was like I was saying, 'Cats go meow,' and he'd reply, 'No! Croissants are buttery.' It was exasperating, and I don't know if he was genuinely unable to understand me or if he was just unwilling to acknowledge what he was doing to me — because doing so would have him facing some really uncomfortable truths."
—u/sewerbeauty
11."Dealing with partners who expect you to be a buffer for their emotional or physical outbursts because they have zero regulation skills is a minefield. Walking on eggshells 24/7 and trying not to poke the bear drains you."
—u/sewerbeauty
12."Helping with daily life and decision making. Prior to the end of my long-term relationship, my guy was diagnosed with a mental illness. He stopped working and went on leave to work on himself, but he didn't. I'm not a stranger to mental illness and have my share of problems, but it became excessive over time, to the point that he would blame everything on me. He regressed into a teenager and stopped stepping up to daily responsibilities. He stopped making any large or small decisions. He would always say, 'I don't know, whatever you think is fine with me,' even when explicitly asked for his input. He'd complain about how cluttered or messy our home was, but most of the clutter was his. He refused to cook but would complain about being hungry. When I'd cook, he'd complain that I didn't rinse one dirty pan. Meanwhile, he was capable of helping his friend with projects, playing video games, going to the mall, fishing, playing music, etc."
"I don't know — turns out he didn't even like me, so that might be it. But it also took an enormous toll on our once-stable relationship."
—u/No_Cricket_2458
13."I think feeling like we have to hold back on emotions to avoid coming across as too emotional or even naggy. At least that's something I personally go through, anyway."
—u/MeMissBunny
14."How easy it is for men to fall into sexist patterns. How thoughtless it can be, without the guy even realizing he's doing it. How the burden of either getting him to acknowledge or unlearn the pattern, or giving up on the relationship, always falls to us."
—u/sunsetgal24
15."Body image and the pressures to look a certain way. Their 'side' comments stick around in our heads — and they don't even realize."
—u/Vyseria
16."That we're supposed to have it all and do it all! Be the chill, cool girl, support his hobbies, never get emotional, be great in bed but be a virgin before him, look put-together but don't take too long to get ready, stay in shape, be loving mothers, have a fulfilling career and social life, keep the house clean, bounce back after pregnancy, breastfeed the kids while doing all of the above. And don't complain about any of it, and don't nag him for help."
—u/raliph
17."A lot of my male friends have come up to me at some point and asked for my help in convincing their wives/girlfriends to have kids. As far as I knew, their wives/girlfriends were all open to having kids; they just told them not right now. I always ask them four questions. 1) Do you expect your wife to still work? 2) Describe to me in the greatest detail that you can what a typical day would look like for you as a dad. 3) Describe in great detail what your wife's day would look like. 4) Where does your wife's work/career fit into the day? Every single one of them came to the conclusion that they were not ready."
"Here are there answers:
1) All of them said yes, as they needed two incomes.
2) Every single one described getting up early, going to work, coming home and playing a game with the kid. Maybe changing at least one diaper. Maybe reading the kid a story and putting them to bed. Sleep. Maybe wake up once to soothe a restless kid. Repeat.
3) They described her getting up early, getting the kid cleaned, clothed, and fed for the day. Preparing meals. Cleaning up after them. (This is about the point where I see realization and horror dawning.) Cleaning the house. Doing laundry. Playing with the kid/going to the park. Grocery shopping. Doctor's appointments. Bath. Putting the kid to bed. Going to soothe the kid if there are nightmares. Repeat.
4) Usually silence. Sometimes they mention dropping to part-time.
Every single one of them, some years later, is now happily married with children."
—u/Sad-Performance9015
18."Wanting to maintain financial independence. How much of a power imbalance it can cause. That it's not a reflection of distrust in your relationship or believing being a stay-at-home mom is not good enough or boring."
—u/ImGojosMoonAndStars
19."Some men don't seem to grasp that many women don't get turned on by visuals to the same extent men do. Imagination and appropriately timed direct stimulation get them turned on. JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER TO YOU, DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T MATTER TO HER. Some men need to understand that being in a relationship means there will be times they will be temporarily inconvenienced. He does not need to make a spectacle out of it either. The woman shouldn't have to bear all of the inconvenience almost 100% of the time. I have examples if needed."
"1) Photographers for years have said that taking family photos is very difficult due to the father. It is incredibly common.
2) Along those lines, it is expected that for family activities or trips, he just has to show up. Anything beyond that becomes an issue, and often ends with him not going or sulking/angry the whole trip.
3) Female cancer patients are given info about what to do when her husband won't help/divorces.
4) Decompression after work is only allowed for men. If his decompression time (even hours later) is disrupted in any way, the entire house knows. There will be yelling, swearing, slamming of doors/cabinets/drawers, etc.
I can't think of any more at the moment. To note, generalizations and do not represent every lived experience."
—u/272027
20."Always having to look good and be presentable for them — all while knowing that no matter how hard you try, there's no guarantee they won't cheat on you (or, at least, think about it). I have this inferiority complex where I've always been made to feel like I'm never good enough for anyone or anything. I've been in this position more than once, and it just eats away at me and destroys me. That's why I'll never be able to be in a relationship again. I just can't deal with that."
—u/luridweb
21."A lot of men think that they're the only ones who are ridiculed for showing emotion. It's thrown back in our faces constantly, too. We have to stay strong for the kids, work, housework, bills, cooking, planning...becoming overwhelmed isn't really an option."
—u/Planet_Ziltoidia
From managing household logistics to carrying the mental load of family life, these honest answers shed light on the often invisible work that can create imbalance in partnerships, as well as how important communication and awareness are in building stronger, more equitable relationships. What resonates most with you from these responses? Have you experienced similar situations, or did any of these insights surprise you? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
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