3 Red Flags: What Your Child's Behavior Says About Your Parenting, According to a Psychotherapist
I've opined about gentle parenting at length and confessed to my own 'bad parenting' failures, always taking a top-down approach to the whole 'parenting thing.' But what if we flipped the script? What does it say that your happy-go-lucky, 3-year-old cutie pie won't pick up the mess in the playroom unless you pay her $1 a toy? Are you a horrible parent or an entrepreneurial genius? Sometimes, I feel like both…often at the same time. Perpetually scared of how my children's behaviors will reveal my questionable methods to the public, I reached out to a therapist and parenting expert to find out which behaviors are red flags, signaling parenting challenges to overcome. Here's what I learned.
Nicole Runyon (LMSW), psychotherapist, parent coach and author of Free to Fly: The Secret to Fostering Independence in the Next Generation. Nicole is renowned for her expertise in child and adolescent mental health, backed by an extensive 22-year career in the field. Most importantly, she is the mother of 2 children.
Potential Parenting Challenge: Being your kids' shield
It's natural, says Runyon, to want to protect your child from pain. But the inadvertent effects of making life too easy for your kid, and protecting them from any frustration big or small, can lead to long-lasting problems. 'Spoiling occurs when parents take over childhood tasks, hindering children from achieving their developmental milestones appropriately.' This oversight, Runyon expands, contributes to a lack of awareness about fostering self-sufficiency in their children at the right developmental stages.
Potential Parenting Challenge: Nagging fatigue, inconsistent rule enforcement and boundaries
I've been there. Telling my toddler she has to clean up her toys and ready to stand my ground…only to wind up on the floor myself picking up strewn Disney paraphernalia. Runyon says that when our kids are argumentative when it comes to responsibilities, parents—exhausted—abandon ship or resort to bribing. The problem? You let your kids talk you out of being inconvenienced, skirting responsibility back to you. Says Runyon, 'It's crucial not to pay children for basic chores, as this conveys the message that they need not take responsibility for themselves if it causes discomfort.' Instead, the therapist says to emphasize the family dynamic, stressing that everyone collaborates and contributes to the household. 'Sometimes, doing things for loved ones, even when inconvenient, is a fundamental part of fulfilling one's role as a family member.'
Potential Parenting Challenge: Doing too much for your kids
'Anxiety in children stems from unresolved emotional issues, as they attempt to control an uncontrollable environment. This false sense of control leads to behaviors that may make them appear helpless, prompting parents to respond by doing more for them,' explains Runyon. Most importantly: this isn't a solution; it's the root cause. 'Avoiding natural developmental processes exacerbates unresolved emotional issues. It's essential for parents to reflect on whether they are providing their children with age-appropriate freedom and independence. Evaluating if they are doing too much for their children is crucial,' shares Runyon. As is a theme with all of these red flags, Runyon underscores how beneficial working through mistakes, frustrations and failures is for kids. Resilience to discomfort fosters self-trust and autonomy, serving as the antidote to anxiety.
As leaders of the family, parents set the tone for the household. Runyon explains it like this: 'Human nature is like water. It takes the shape of its container. The parent is the container and must be solid and strong in themselves to help their children shape into mature, healthy young adults.' So, how do you reshape your container?
Before anything, parents need to self-reflect. Triggered when your child struggles? The hysterical is historical. 'Chances are the parent experienced something unresolved in their childhood at the exact age their child is when they are struggling,' explains Runyon, who understands that this type of reflection is hard work and that seeking help through parent coaches or therapists can be a great resource.
The next thing is to do what you can control. Runyon acknowledges how challenging it can be to change the whole family system to address an issue, but, when one person changes one thing, the system suddenly shifts. 'Individual change can be very powerful for a family. I recommend starting with, 'what is your part in the system?' and asking what you need to do to make the change.'
Even the smallest shift in perspective or behavior can ripple outward, creating a more connected, resilient, and joyful home. You got this.
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