My younger wife wants to go clubbing and have sex every night but I'm no longer up for that… is our marriage doomed?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife wants to go out clubbing with her pals, while I just want to stay in and cosy up on the sofa watching TV.
It's driving a wedge between us, and I'm beginning to realise that our 12-year age gap is a bigger problem than I initially anticipated.
She's 28 and I'm 40. We met at a party five years ago.
At first, I didn't think our age difference was an issue. I didn't look substantially older than her, and we had lots to talk about.
She liked the fact I was more mature than the men her age, and that I was stable, solvent and ready for a commitment.
But, lately, a gulf has been growing between us. She has more energy than me after work, and doesn't want to stay in. Her friends are mostly single and living a party lifestyle.
Most of my peers have young children and lots of responsibility. I've started feeling I want to have kids before I get too old — but I know she's not nearly ready for that.
She also wants sex every night, sometimes several times a night, but I'm no longer up for that — or always capable of it.
Things came to a head last weekend when we had a big row over the fact she wanted to go to a new club. I wanted to stay in with a bottle of wine and a takeaway.
She told me I was turning into an old bore. I told her she was behaving like a teenager.
She ended up going out without me, then rolling in drunk at 5am. Now, we're not really talking.
I love her to bits, but I'm starting to wonder if our marriage is doomed to fail.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
DEIDRE SAYS: All couples go through difficult periods, when they don't see eye to eye, even when age isn't a factor.
If you love each other, you can overcome this – but you need to talk about it.
Perhaps, you need to accept you have some different interests now, and compromise.
That means, letting her go clubbing occasionally, and not getting annoyed. And she needs to cuddle up on the sofa with you some evenings, without moaning it's boring.
And it's actually healthy for couples to have their own friends and interests.
Wanting children when she's not ready is a bit trickier to solve. But avoiding the subject won't bring a resolution either.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, may be helpful. You could also think about having couples counselling, so you can talk in a safe space.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavsitockrelationships.org.uk) to set up an appointment.
Also see my support pack, Age Gaps – Do They Matter?
THANK YOU FOR... HELPING ME OVER MY ESCORT SHAME
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN loneliness drove me into the arms of an escort, I realised I needed help to change my life.
At 30, I'd never had a girlfriend.
I was stuck in a dead-end job, still living with my mum and couldn't afford to move out.
All I wanted was a partner to share things with, but I felt I had nothing to offer them. I couldn't even date because how could I bring a girl home to my mum's house?
One night, I felt so lonely that I ended up paying a woman for sex.
It was so nice to have female attention, to kiss and to cuddle.
But afterwards, I felt even more depressed because I knew she'd only been nice to me for money. You were so understanding and didn't judge me for living at home or never having had a girlfriend.
You suggested that I talk to an organisation called CALM — The Campaign Against Living Miserably (thecalmzone.net, 0800 585858) and sent me your support packs on Feeling Lonely and Finding The Love Of Your Life.
I took your advice and started seeing a counsellor. I've since stopped seeing escorts and joined a dating app.
I've also started going out with some work friends, so I feel less lonely. I feel so much more optimistic.
Thank you, Deidre.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's so easy to get into a rut when you feel lonely and loveless.
Well done on making such positive changes, which will make your life much fuller and happier.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER my new boyfriend is busy or doesn't message me straight back, it sets off my anxiety.
Our first date was magical, but since then he seems to have cooled off.
I'm 19 and he's 20. We've been dating three months.
I asked him why he's not as keen as at first, and he says he likes me but isn't sure he's ready for a serious commitment.
The more insecure I feel, the more I message him. I'm worried my behaviour is pushing him away.
DEIDRE SAYS: New relationships are tricky, as you're getting to know each other and your feelings don't always develop at the same rate. If he doesn't message straight back, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you.
Try to distract yourself while you wait. My pack, Living With Anxiety, should help with this.
I'M LEFT SCARED IN OWN HOME BY ABUSIVE LODGER
DEAR DEIDRE: I GOT a lodger to help pay my mortgage, but he's often nasty to me – and he's even been violent.
Sometimes, I feel scared to be in my own home.
I'm a 40-year-old man. I've had some health problems, which meant I had to leave my job.
As a result, I found it really hard to pay my mortgage and bills.
Someone suggested I take in a lodger, as I have spare bedrooms.
I advertised online and quickly found someone – a guy in his late 20s.
He had a decent job, looked presentable and was charming.
But over the past few months, he's started to show his true colours. He has an anger problem, and he drinks.
When he gets drunk, he screams obscenities at me and he throws things. He has also violently shoved me.
My stress levels are so high that I can't sleep, and I find myself hiding in my bedroom, even though it's my house.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Nobody should be made to feel scared to be in their own home. If you ever feel in danger, please call 999.
It's important that you get support to deal with this, so people know what's going on and can help you.
Please make contact with Mankind (mankind.org.uk, 0808 800 1170) which helps men suffering domestic abuse.
Also get in touch with the Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) which has information on its website about how to get a lodger out of your house legally.
If possible, please ask a friend or relative to come over so that you're not alone with him.
Also try talking to him very calmly, but when he's sober. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation.
THIRD WHEELING IN MY RELATIONSHIP
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I've been with my partner for five years, his ex makes me feel like a third wheel in my own relationship.
They have a son. She's at every family wedding and birthday, and she turns up at our house uninvited!
I'm 38 and my partner is 42. We have a daughter.
While I'm glad they're on good terms, for his son's sake, it feels like they're too close for comfort. I'll admit I sometimes feel jealous.
The rest of his family are friends with her and I often get the impression they wish he'd get back with her. They make me feel second best.
It's got to the point where I've had enough. I've told my partner I don't want his ex at family events. He says it doesn't bother him whether she comes or not, but his parents want her there.
I think he's worried she'll stop him seeing their son if he stands up to her. I love him but it's time he put me first. Am I unreasonable?
DEIDRE SAYS: It's not unreasonable of you to want to feel like you and your daughter are the most important people in your partner's life.
But his son is also important, and he doesn't want to antagonise his ex.
Make it clear to him how much this is upsetting you. It may be that he needs to show you more love and attention so you feel more secure around her.
You could try setting some boundaries. Ask him to tell her she can't turn up to your house without warning.
You could ask if his parents could only invite her to some things, too.
For more advice, contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk).
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