Dear Richard Madeley: ‘I'm always doing favours, but now I need some time for myself'

Dear Richard,
I'm a retired woman and my husband left me in good financial shape after his death six years ago. Since the children grew up I've tended to fill my days with 'good works', helping out at charity shops, ferrying friends around and sitting as a magistrate. However, I've had a couple of minor health issues recently that put the fear of god into me. I've come out of the experience with the intense desire to live for myself a little – having a nice time with people I like, doing a bit more culture and travel – possibly even dating.
The problem I am having is my commitments to other people and organisations that seem to have me on speed dial. I've experimented with saying no to a couple of these but I got a sense of guilt at letting them down. Even the children have been supportive in principle, but reacted to news that I wasn't going to be around on a given weekend with incredulity.
I don't want to live purely selfishly – I just need to rebalance things a bit. Do you have any advice for me?
– Audrey, via email
Dear Audrey,
Yes, I do. Rather than making saying no to requests for your time on a reactive basis – which takes people by surprise, given your previous automatic acceptance – you should be proactive. Move on to the front foot. Take the initiative.
Write emails or letters to everyone, similar to your one to me. Explain how and why you are currently readjusting your life. How can they object? Why shouldn't you reassess the way you spend your time, who with and where? By doing this you'll have prepared them for the change in your mindset, and a refusal will be far less likely to offend. But if it does – to heck with them. It's your life. Live it exactly as you want. It sounds like you've earned the right.

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