2 ‘Marriage Myths' That Keep You Unhappy — According To A Psychologist
These two myths may be dreamy, but they're bound to set you up for a disappointing marriage. Here's ... More why unlearning them is ultimately in your best interest.
As a psychologist, I've seen time and again how certain romantic myths, no matter how dreamy or well-intentioned they seem, set couples up for disappointment. Indeed, marriage can be a beautiful thing. But this beauty is earned over years of hard work; it's never something that's freely promised.
Unfortunately, many couples don't realize they've internalized these false promises about love until something just feels 'off.' A chronic sense of resentment. Repeated miscommunications. Arguments that seem to come out of nowhere.
If you've ever found yourself wondering whether love is supposed to feel like this, you wouldn't be the first to ask. In all likelihood, your idea of marriage might just be at odds with one of the two following myths.
We've been sold a very pretty, idealistic idea of what marriage is supposed to look like. Psychological researcher C. Raymond Knee and his colleagues note a few in a 2003 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review:
Unfortunately, these notions, known as 'destiny beliefs,' are as misleading as they are romantic. They paint an incredibly unrealistic portrait of what a marriage (or any relationship, really) is supposed to look like.
Knee's further research in 2022 confirms this: people who maintain destiny beliefs are likely to struggle with denial, disengage from their partner altogether and might even stop making effort to look after their relationship. These behaviors may become especially apparent when, inevitably, couples start facing challenges or realize they have differences.
But, realistically, love and marriage aren't matters of 'chemistry' or 'destiny;' these ideas serve as an incredibly fragile foundation. If couples face even one, small bump in the road, the whole partnership might feel as though it's doomed. This is because the moment partners place the livelihood of their relationship in the hands of fate, is the moment they stop believing that they can do something — anything — to improve their relationship.
However, if this were the case, messy divorces and breakups wouldn't be as common as they are. 'Incompatible' couples could simply end things within a few weeks once they realized that they weren't 'meant to be.'
The reality of marriage isn't that what you see is what you get. Rather, what you put in is what you get out. If you're not seeing the beauty in your marriage that you expected you would, trust that there will always be something you can do about it — effort to put in, conversations to be had, changes to be made.
Not long ago, people looked to their spouse for companionship and stability. But these days, people are starting to view their spouse as someone who should complete them: their therapist, emotional support system, cheerleader, sexual match, co-parent and spiritual guide all-in-one.
The irony, however, is that the couples who expect the most from their marriage in this way are often the ones investing the least into it. In a 2014 study published in Psychological Inquiry, psychologist Eli J. Finkel and colleagues bluntly call this the 'suffocation model' of marriage in America.
The researchers explain this model by means of a metaphor: 'climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen.' They refer here to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, a well-known psychological theory that organizes human needs into a pyramid.
At the base of the pyramid (or, rather, the 'mountain') are our most fundamental needs, like physical safety, stability, emotional security and so on. Once those basic needs are reliably met, we then can move up toward the more complex goals — like building confidence, gaining respect or feeling accomplished.
Importantly, only once all the base layers have been reached can we ultimately reach the very top of the mountain (self-actualization) and become our best, utmost fulfilled selves.
Simply put, the researchers argue that many modern couples are trying to skip straight to the top. They want their marriage to be a space of inspiration, empowerment and profound life-meaning — but they also aren't taking care of the emotional basics that make these divine achievements possible.
The metaphor is incredibly apt in this sense: it's much like trying to summit a mountain without packing the oxygen and supplies you'll need to survive the actual climb itself. Eventually, you're guaranteed to run out of air.
In other words, when we expect our partner to meet all of our needs — to be our rock, our muse, our motivation, our mirror — without consistently investing in the relationship itself, we end up suffocating the connection we're trying so hard to rely on.
This is the heart of the problem: no partner on earth could ever fulfill another's needs in this way. In reality, this is something we as individuals need to worry about, not our partner. If we demand one person to be our everything, we consequently lose any and all sense of autonomy in our happiness and well-being.
Importantly, accepting that your partner cannot complete you isn't a failure. The healthiest marriages are characterized by interdependence: two whole people supporting each other to the top of the mountain, without losing their individuality and agency along the way.
This means you can be madly in love with your spouse and still need (and enjoy) your personal space. You can be loyal and committed without needing to share every single one of your hobbies or emotions with your spouse. You can have a healthy marriage without relying on your spouse in your every waking moment.
In fact, giving each other these freedoms should be the bare minimum in a marriage. It's not unromantic to be full, independent people. If you aren't, then you might be staking your entire sense of self in a marriage that, no matter how strong, was never built to carry the full weight of who you are.
These are just two of many common marital myths. How many of them have you been misled to believe? Take this science-backed test to find out: Belief In Marital Myths Scale
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
CBS News
6 minutes ago
- CBS News
Pilot killed in Beverly plane crash identified by his family as Geoffrey Andrews
The pilot killed in a small plane crash in Beverly, Massachusetts on Thursday has been identified by his family. Geoffrey Andrews was piloting the plane when it crashed shortly after takeoff Thursday on Sam Fonzo Drive in an industrial park near Beverly Regional Airport. A second man in the plane was injured. He has not been identified. Police said it appears Andrews was attempting to take off when the plane crashed. The FAA said the plane had just left Beverly and was heading to Ticonderoga Municipal Airport, which is about 100 miles north of Albany, New York. "We thank the investigators who we trust will conduct a thorough investigation into what caused this catastrophic loss of life. We also pray for his passenger in the plane and are sending his loved ones strength through this difficult time," said Andrews' family in a statement. His family said Andrews was a staff scientist at MIT Lincoln Laboratory and graduated from Lehigh University and got his doctorate from Purdue University. They said he loved to fly and was working to become a certified flight instructor. Andrews is survived by his wife, Gentry, who is expecting their first child in October. "Beyond his love for flight, Geoffrey was a charismatic, beautiful soul who cared deeply for his family and friends and always had a kind word for others. He was so excited about the upcoming birth of their baby," said his family in a statement.
Yahoo
20 minutes ago
- Yahoo
5K raises money for organization helping to combat homelessness in Los Angeles
Union Rescue Mission hosted their 'Just Help 1' 5K Run/Walk at Griffith Park on Saturday morning. Saturday's event, the 8th annual edition, raises money for individuals and families experiencing homelessness across L.A., organizers said in a media release. 'Participants will run, walk or cheer as every step supports URM's transformational programs, shelters, meals and long-term recovery services for those in need,' URM officials said. KTLA 5's Erin Myers spoke to Union Rescue Mission CEO Mark Hood just as the 5K officially kicked off on Saturday morning. L.A. City Controller: Immigration raid protests cost taxpayers over $30 million 'It's just a great event…it's a way to not only raise awareness, but 86 cents of every dollar that comes into this event goes back to transforming lives, getting people off the street and helping them find their way home,' Hood told KTLA. 'It's such a crisis…there are more homeless people in Los Angeles County than any other county in the United States by far. It's a big problem, but I'm very happy [to say] we are a solution.' According to the 2024 Greater Los Angeles Homeless Count, the L.A. County homeless population was estimated to be 73,512. The data also indicated that the City of Los Angeles had a homeless population of 45,252. Copyright 2025 Nexstar Media, Inc. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Yahoo
31 minutes ago
- Yahoo
My husband has an identical twin. I can't tell them apart over the phone.
I never believed in love at first sight until I met my now-husband. I couldn't recognize him from his identical twin brother over the phone. We ended up having fraternal twins, and I got to experience the twin magic first-hand. The first time I met my husband, I had all the cliché love signs. I felt butterflies in my stomach, and my heart was beating fast. I never believed in love at first sight until I actually fell in love with him the moment I saw him. We didn't even talk then. I just knew this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When I told a friend of mine who knows him, she asked me, "Are you sure it's not his twin brother?" When we started dating, when we went out together, people would greet him with his brother's name. He never corrected them. Whenever I called him on their home's landline, I never knew if it was him or his twin brother who answered the phone; they had the exact same voice and even way of speaking. They were famous for pulling pranks, and I was always afraid they'd play one on me. On our wedding day, his twin brother went early to the photographer's studio, and my now-husband hadn't arrived yet. We joked that we could take photos with his twin brother in case my husband didn't arrive in time. Years later, I was pregnant with fraternal or non-identical twins. It was so surreal having twins whose dad was also a twin. I had an emergency C-section and gave birth to my twins early at 35 weeks. When they were in the NICU, the nurses separated them. My son started not to eat; he had an NG-tube, but he wasn't thriving, and his sister was always crying and not sleeping well. One nurse decided to put them together. They held hands, my son started to eat again, and they both were calmer and sleeping better. Knowing that this bond they formed in the womb was continuing after birth made me very emotional. When they were babies, they had their own secret language. My daughter would translate to us what her twin brother wanted or was saying because he had delayed speech. Even now, as tweens, when we're out together, they unintentionally hold hands. It warms my heart to see them grow together, each with their own unique character, yet so close to each other. When they were almost a year old, their uncle came to visit us. It was their first time meeting him since he doesn't live in Canada. They were so confused, and it was hilarious watching them not knowing which one was their dad. Last year, we had sort of a "twins reunion." It included our twins, my husband and his twin brother, and their oldest brother's identical twin girls. It was funny comparing notes and inside jokes and seeing how twins' dynamics are different from ours. Although they're twins, I still have to remind myself that they are also two separate individuals. I learned a long time ago not to compare them to each other, whether in their milestones or academically. I hope they continue to support each other while embracing their individuality. And I can't wait to see what they'll do next. Read the original article on Business Insider
