Katie Piper says aging is a bereavement, but why do women fear growing older
Death comes for us all, but what does it say about us as a society when we view our aging bodies as a kind of early death? This week, presenter Katie Piper told audiences at Hay Festival that 'aging is like a bereavement,' as she promoted her new book Still Beautiful: On Age, Beauty and Owning Your Space.
There is much to be commended for this book: not least in the celebration of the aging process, which is not granted to everyone. Growing older is a privilege.
Katie explained that: "Women age out of the male gaze. I was ripped from the male gaze at 24. I didn't just become invisible. I became a target for people saying derogatory things."
Katie added: "Sometimes we know we're losing somebody or something, and it's slow, it's gradual, and when it's ageing, we look down at our hands, we see they look different. We catch ourselves in the shop window, and everything's changed."
While Katie's experiences may differ from most, there is a broader concern here. Why do women fear growing older? The spectre of the older woman feels almost cartoonish, I immediately think of Madam Mim in Disney's Sword in the Stone or the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella. Then there's the Bridget Jones's Diary where body weight and calorie intake was counted ad nauseum.
Both the Disney cartoons and Bridget Jones show what is it like to exist beyond the male gaze, and it wasn't favourable. Horrifyingly, these unhinged, unkempt women were rolled out in movies consumed by young girls.
These cultural moments that show the pains of being undesirable have grown tendrils, seeping into our collective fears. In recent years, there has been a staggering increase in Botox - with teenagers turning to the muscle relaxant to promote a more youthful look despite them being the very definition of young. High street clinics have popped up all over the country, offering 3 for 2 on areas of the face and Christmas deals. It's nothing short of dystopian.
These frozen facial muscles are the very muscles that let us express anger and joy! Giving up the ability to express ourselves is a frightening development.
For a period of time, there were movements that eradicated body-hair shame and celebrated bodies of all shapes and sizes for being unique and wonderful. And Pamela Anderson and Alicia Keys ditched make-up heavy red carpet looks. It felt liberating.
But, if Katie's comments speak to anything it is that women are still shackled to the male gaze. Why does feeling undesirable to men cause not only feelings of being unworthy, but worse: as if we are not alive at all?
It is vacuous to weigh a woman's worth by her appearance. But to tackle the issue at hand here, let's start with sentience first. Aging women are not warm corpses waiting to be buried. Growing older is not a kind of death. When did we start hating ourselves so much that we view aging as akin to being dead?
There is nothing to be feared about 'aging out of the male gaze'. Nobody should be situating their worth in relation to the desire of others. Learning to love ourselves regardless of our appearance is a central tenet of living a happy life.
But why are people, like Piper, viewing the aging process in this way? Possibly as it can come with restrictive employment opportunities, perhaps. As actresses such as Anne Hathaway and Emma Thompson have spoken out about not being cast in roles due to their age.
In fact, Backstage reported that people over 40 acting in leading role is 21% for women while for men it is 34%. There is much to be angry about that women lose out on opportunities in the workplace as they age. Let's try and stay off the Botox so we can convey some of that fury.
Helen Coffey at the Independent agreed with Piper, saying: 'Most of us are in the denial stage of grief' about aging. But also added: 'When we prize youth as the only thing worth having, we devalue the much more worthwhile gifts of wisdom and experience. When we strive to stay the same, we deny the much more rewarding path of evolution and growth.'
It's time to stop unduly celebrating youth for youth's sake. A wrinkle on the forehead should not be a bump in the career, and it absolutely must not be read as a 'bereavement'. It is okay to feel unsteady that life is changing. That is natural. But we must begin to celebrate women's aging bodies, wrinkles, greys and all.
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