No, You're Probably Not ‘Too Horny'
Being horny is a natural part of human sexuality, but it can sometimes bring up unwanted feelings when you're trying to concentrate on work or something else.
Feelings of sexual desire can also trigger a more distressing internal experience for some people. You might, for example, have feelings of guilt or shame if you grew up absorbing messages such as:
sex outside of marriage is wrong
only men and women should have sex with each other
women who enjoy sex are 'sluts'
None of the above statements is true, but frequent exposure to them can stick with you. When you experience sexual thoughts that go against them, you might feel bad about those feelings and want to make them go away.
First, it's natural to think about sex
Remember those myths above? They're fairly common, so plenty of people grew up hearing and internalizing them. This kind of messaging can make thoughts about sex particularly distressing if you:
are a woman
are unmarried
are not cisgender
are not heterosexual
But here's the truth about sex: It's both natural and healthy when practiced by consenting adults.
Thinking about sex is also completely natural, even if you seem to do it at odd times (when you're grocery shopping, for example). It can be useful, too, since it lets you know who you're attracted to and can help you decide when you want to have sex with someone.
Of course, not everyone feels sexual desire, and that's natural and healthy, too.
It's important to let go of stigma and unlearn stereotypes
Ideas around sexual desire and arousal are often deeply entrenched in outdated stereotypes and myths.
LGBTQIA+ myths
Research has debunked many stereotypes around people who are LGBTQIA+ and sexual desire, including:
Queer people have very high sex drives.
Gay men have very high sex drives but don't want relationships.
Queer people have sex 'obsessions.'
LGBTQIA+ people (like everyone else) can have varying levels of interest in sex.
Men vs. women myths
Other stereotypes include the idea that men have a higher libido than women. Some older research supports this idea, but keep in mind:
Some men may think about sex more often, but this generalization doesn't hold for everyone.
Very little research has explored high sexual interest in women, and a lack of evidence isn't the same thing as conclusive proof.
Even if men dohave higher sex drives than people of other genders, people of other genders can still enjoy sex, want to have sex, and think about sex often.
Plus, 2016 research suggests that heterosexual women have more interest in sex than their partners believe.
How to accept sexual feelings
There are certainly times when sexual thoughts can be frustrating or distracting (more on how to handle this later). But it's important to accept them for what they are: a natural part of the human experience for many people.
Increase your exposure
Reading books or watching TV shows and movies featuring characters who have similar sexual desires to yours may help you feel a bit more comfortable.
It's not always easy to find content like this, but positive media portrayals of sexually empowered women and queer people are increasing.
You don't have to turn to erotica or porn for exposure (unless you want to!). It's absolutely possible to relate to sexy scenes that never get explicit.
However, porn can be a safe (and healthy) way for adults to explore new interests and desires, so there's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed if it feels helpful to you.
Talk about your feelings
It can feel a little awkward to talk about sex, especially if you're still adjusting to your sexuality. It's not uncommon to completely avoid conversations about sexuality, horniness, and related topics, even with a sexual partner.
You should never feel forced to have conversations about sex. Talking with people you trust can be eye-opening, though, as you might find they have similar feelings (and maybe worry about the same things).
It may help to jot down some notes or review what you want to say. For example, if you're going to talk with a partner, write down the kinds of sexual activity you think about and might want to try.
Try masturbation
If you grew up thinking masturbation was sinful or didn't hear much about it one way or the other, you probably never learned that masturbation is both natural and healthy. This could leave you with some feelings of shame or confusion around getting off.
Gender-specific terms for genitals can also complicate masturbation for some transgender or nonbinary people if they feel somewhat disconnected from body parts that don't match their internal sense of self.
Masturbation can have a lot of benefits, though, beyond sexual release. It can help you get more comfortable with your body and learn more about how you like to be touched.
Not sure where to start? Check out this guide to solo sex for people of all anatomies.
Tips for bringing your focus back
If sexual thoughts are making it hard to concentrate on the task at hand, these strategies can help you redirect your mind.
Set the thoughts aside for later
When horny thoughts come up, acknowledge them briefly and then mentally set them aside. This doesn't mean you reject or suppress the thought, which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame later on.
By accepting the thought and committing to exploring it later, you're validating that thought and your needs. This can help it fade into the background and allow you to return your attention to the task at hand.
Put on some music
If you're driving, trying to complete a report, or doing something else that needs your full attention, music can be a good way to quiet distracting thoughts.
Take a short break
If you've studied a little too long or spent more time on a repetitive work task than you intended, your thoughts may start to wander.
Give yourself a brief break to interrupt fatigue and boredom. Get a drink, have a snack, take a walk, or try all three.
Taking care of physical needs can have a positive impact on your emotional mindset. Even briefly changing your environment may help you 'reset' your thoughts and get them back on track.
Get it out of your system
If you can't escape your thoughts, grab a piece of paper and write the details down (just make sure you're in a safe place to do so). Save the paper to give to a partner when you see them next.
This strategy can distract you in the moment and help foster a deeper connection with your partner later, especially if you've written down something you haven't felt bold enough to say in person.
Just avoid sexting, which will probably leave you constantly checking your phone for replies.
When to consult a mental health professional
Sometimes, unwanted sexual thoughts or desires may be a sign of something worth exploring with a therapist who specializes in human sexuality.
You feel shame or guilt
It's natural for people who grew up in sexually restrictive religions or cultures to need some extra help accepting their feelings. Even if you didn't grow up this way, you might still have some lingering shame.
A therapist can help you:
learn more about healthy sexuality and behavior
explore ways to get in touch with your sexuality
work through any suppressed desires affecting your romantic relationships
You can't control your thoughts
Do you ever carry out specific actions or rituals to help you get rid of an unwanted sexual thought? This can be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
If you have OCD symptoms, it's important to talk with a therapist who can help you develop a care plan.
Therapy can also help you cope with intrusive thoughts, which can happen with OCD. They may involve disturbing sexual images that don't cause horniness, including illegal or harmful sexual practices. Having these thoughts doesn't mean you're bad or that you'll act on them, but they can still be deeply upsetting.
In some cases, difficulty managing horniness or spending more time masturbating and having sex than you want to can be symptoms of hypersexuality, or compulsive sexual behavior. If you notice these signs, talking with a compassionate therapist can be a good start.
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