Why the Capybara walks safely among crocodiles — make like the Capybara, people
Behold the Capybara.
As South Africans we might not be familiar with this South American giant, semi-aquatic rodent; so chilled, it walks safely among the peak predators of the universe, expecting no harm.
Today, thanks to the interwebs, the Cappy has become better known for allowing their casual flatulence, usually in bodies of water, to be filmed and spread across the world
This collective farting – cappies are so social that they make friends with just about anything – is accompanied by a facial expression anyone who has suffered from gas will recognise.
With stoner-eyes that appear to have just dabbed Acapulco Gold at the local Weed Emporium and situated at the top of their heads, they can survey surroundings even while submerged in water.
On land, with a back chassis appearing to be slightly higher than the front, like a pimped-up 1400 Nissan bakkie, the Cappy strolls the universe. When it hits water, it beats the finest prima ballerinas in the world.
The Cappy stands about a metre high and can weigh up to 70kg. They are highly sociable mammals who live in a communal utopia where each member protects and feeds the young and defends territory.
Cappy beats the Zebra
Robert Sapolsky, primatologist, neuroscientist and author of several popular works including Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Disease and Coping, explored how different species respond to stress.
Published in 2004, it is now in its third edition, and popular among Capybaras.
While Sapolsky studied the murderous societies of chimps and the impact of constant stress, physical wounding and other violent behaviour had on their health, he realised the Zebra lived long and stress-free.
Zebras, he opined, only experienced bursts of stress and a release of related chemicals and hormones when chased by a predator. Should they survive, the Zebra instantly forgets about the incident and carries on grazing. No worries. Not so with baboons or chimpanzees – or humans.
Some journalists, my colleagues among them who work daily with the underworld and other human predators, learn how to make like the Zebra and find ways to eliminate mentally short but life-threatening bursts of direct threat.
But it is time now for all humans, particularly journalists, to begin making like the Capybara. And so it is ordered.
Why the Capybara, and why now?
A family member who shall only go by his first name here, Ryan, has found his spirit animal in the Capybara. Not only that, he has found one, here, in South Africa, in the Pretoria Zoo.
And so it came to pass that amazing stories of the Capybara were told, reels were watched on YouTube with jaws hung slack.
The sheer audacity of this rodent casually wading into a swamp teeming with crocodiles only to sometimes even use them as stepping stones to the other swamp bank, is spiritual.
Crocodiles do tend to crowd the edges of the water, mighty jaws open, sometimes even eating their fellow predators while waiting for some silly, skittish animal with wobbly legs and eyes on the sides of their heads to come lap at the life-giving water.
Like the Mafia circling a New York garbage removal contract, they occupy the space, fully.
Enter the Capybara, so engrossed in its own chilled reality that it goes where it pleases, lets anyone in the world stroke them, film them farting, whatever. The crocodiles, stunned by this audacious behaviour and with their pea-brains frazzled, are rendered temporarily paralysed.
The Pretoria Capybara
Such is the mystical hold that the Cappy has over Ryan that he drove to the Pretoria Zoo where one such creature occupies an enclosure of Trumpian splendour while the rest of the animals make do with dust and decay.
There, all alone, the Pretoria Cappy wallows, farting, unseen, unacknowledged as the spirit animal of our times. And there it lives happily in the moment.
There are those who foretell that the Cappy will replace the Cat as the overlord of the universe. Soon Cappy tattoos will be the thing. A secret sign.
Those of us who have seen the bubbles know the time for chill has arrived.
Ryan would like to adopt the Pretoria Cappy to keep her/him/they even happier than at present, or maybe even get them a friend. For now the Cappy is Ryan's secret. Lips zipped everyone. DM
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