When I found myself caught up in a double life, you helped me find a way out
DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me untangle the double life that was destroying me bit by bit.
When I first wrote to you, I was 45 and completely exhausted.
I was juggling two lives – one with my girlfriend and our two young sons during the week and another with my wife and daughter every other weekend. Neither woman knew about the other.
To outsiders, I seemed like a man with a demanding job in the city, balancing family and work. The truth was far messier.
My wife, who I'd been married to for 15 years, came from a culture where divorce is heavily stigmatised. We hoped having a child would fix things between us, but it didn't.
Years of unhappiness led me to take a job over 200 miles away. That's when I met my girlfriend online.
She had everything that my marriage lacked – she was warm, funny, and kind.
When she became pregnant, I made the choice to live with her. But I never properly ended my old life. I didn't know how to.
By the time I reached out to you, I had two little boys I adored, a woman I loved, and a growing mountain of lies.
My daughter, then nearly 10, was starting to ask questions. I barely slept. I was snapping at everyone and hated the man I'd become.
You made it clear these secrets couldn't last forever and that my children deserved to hear the truth from me – not find it out in ways that would break their trust.
You also reminded me that staying in a toxic marriage wasn't helping anyone.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
You encouraged me to come clean with my wife and get support. I contacted a counsellor through Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960) who helped us navigate the transition.
With your advice, I stopped spiralling. I found a way forward that considered everyone's wellbeing – not just my guilt.
My wife and I began the process of separation and have now officially divorced. It was painful, but also freeing.
Your support pack Worried About Mum and Dad helped me talk to my daughter and protect our relationship through the changes.
After years of stress and deception, I finally feel like I've become the father and man I want to be – to all my children.
I still have a long road ahead, but at least I'm no longer living a lie.
Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you reached out and shared your story. Living a double life can be incredibly stressful, but by opening up, you took the crucial first step toward honesty and healing.
Your situation is one many people find themselves in, especially when cultural pressures make separation feel impossible.
Keeping secrets often causes more harm than good, especially for children, who pick up on tensions even when adults try to hide them.
By choosing to be honest and seeking support, you've given your children and yourself a chance at healthier, happier, more trusting relationships.
Your story also highlights why it's so important to face difficult truths sooner rather than later.
Avoiding the conversation might feel easier at the time, but it only prolongs the pain and uncertainty for everyone involved. Open communication, even when it's hard, lays the groundwork for healing and rebuilding trust within families and relationships.
There is no perfect way to end something, but there is a responsible one, and you've now started down that path.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
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