Asking Eric: My husband has fallen into a funk
Dear Eric: I have a good friend with whom I get together maybe twice a month or so. We disagree politically, sometimes passionately, but always end our conversation by telling each other that we are still friends and still love and respect each other.
A few months ago, her daughter got engaged, and when my friend shared this news, she said that, of course, I would be invited. Whenever we met up, I would always ask about the wedding plans, and we would talk at great length about this.
Recently we met for lunch with a third friend, and the subject of the wedding shower came up. Friend One handed Friend Three the shower invitation right in front of me, with no explanation to me. This seemed deliberately designed to be hurtful, and indeed I am hurt and confused. I can now assume I'm not invited to the wedding either.
Do I say anything to Friend One? Should I assume that she's angry about my political views? Should I just ignore the whole situation and pretend I don't care? Or should I cut my losses and just withdraw from the friendship?
– Uninvited
Dear Uninvited: Unless something else happened between you and your friend, either around politics or the wedding, I'm inclined to take the Occam's Razor approach here. Is it possible that your invite got lost in the mail and she assumed that you already had it when she gave the shower invite to your other friend?
Perhaps you've already thought of this, but it just seems overly involved and cruel for her to talk to you about the wedding for months, then go out to lunch with you and use that moment to humiliate you by inviting the friend. Especially since she hasn't given you any indication, from what I can see, that you've been taken off the invite list.
Is it possible that the fractious nature of your political disagreements weighs heavily on you, even though you do make up with each other when you get into it? To assume that she's being vindictive about your opinions suggests that perhaps you don't actually think everything goes back to love and respect at the end of each debate.
So, ask her. 'Are we OK? I haven't gotten an invite to the shower, and it would hurt to not be there and celebrate your daughter. But I want to check in with you to make sure I haven't misread anything or missed a cue.'
Dear Eric: My husband who used to be active and social, has fallen into a funk. This has been going on for some time. He just sits all day and watches TV or is on his computer. I believe him to also be an alcoholic. He will pour a drink in the morning and drink all day. And for no reason his attitude changes – yelling for no reason and calling me names. I retired a year and a half ago and since then have become a housewife who pretty much does everything. He won't seek help. I have talked with a counselor to keep myself 'sane.' Any advice would be helpful.
– Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of
Dear Tired: It's good that you're talking to a counselor. Your husband's struggle with alcohol and his mood can bring you down, too. It's likely that it's already happening.
Work with your counselor and/or a trusted friend or loved one on a plan to put some distance between what's happening with your husband and yourself. This doesn't have to be divorce or separation, if that's not something you're willing to consider right now. But for your peace of mind, your quality of life and your safety, it will help you to be out of the orbit of his booze-influenced behavior.
You shouldn't have to do everything around the house if you don't want to. And it's unacceptable for him to yell at you or call you names. This is emotional abuse. One of the reasons it's important to put together a plan is so that you can be protected from this abuse and any escalation of his behavior.
Also, please look into groups like Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery, which can help you navigate this living arrangement and the hard feelings you're managing.
Once you have a plan in place, tell him that this situation is not acceptable to you, a number of things need to change, and that if he won't seek help, you can't keep going as you have. It may help to have a friend or loved one with you for this conversation.
You're in a dangerous situation and your husband has already refused to address the root issue. So, you have to do what you can to protect yourself and to help him to help himself.
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Dear Eric: I have a good friend with whom I get together maybe twice a month or so. We disagree politically, sometimes passionately, but always end our conversation by telling each other that we are still friends and still love and respect each other. A few months ago, her daughter got engaged, and when my friend shared this news, she said that, of course, I would be invited. Whenever we met up, I would always ask about the wedding plans, and we would talk at great length about this. Recently we met for lunch with a third friend, and the subject of the wedding shower came up. Friend One handed Friend Three the shower invitation right in front of me, with no explanation to me. This seemed deliberately designed to be hurtful, and indeed I am hurt and confused. I can now assume I'm not invited to the wedding either. Do I say anything to Friend One? Should I assume that she's angry about my political views? Should I just ignore the whole situation and pretend I don't care? Or should I cut my losses and just withdraw from the friendship? – Uninvited Dear Uninvited: Unless something else happened between you and your friend, either around politics or the wedding, I'm inclined to take the Occam's Razor approach here. Is it possible that your invite got lost in the mail and she assumed that you already had it when she gave the shower invite to your other friend? Perhaps you've already thought of this, but it just seems overly involved and cruel for her to talk to you about the wedding for months, then go out to lunch with you and use that moment to humiliate you by inviting the friend. Especially since she hasn't given you any indication, from what I can see, that you've been taken off the invite list. Is it possible that the fractious nature of your political disagreements weighs heavily on you, even though you do make up with each other when you get into it? To assume that she's being vindictive about your opinions suggests that perhaps you don't actually think everything goes back to love and respect at the end of each debate. So, ask her. 'Are we OK? I haven't gotten an invite to the shower, and it would hurt to not be there and celebrate your daughter. But I want to check in with you to make sure I haven't misread anything or missed a cue.' Dear Eric: My husband who used to be active and social, has fallen into a funk. This has been going on for some time. He just sits all day and watches TV or is on his computer. I believe him to also be an alcoholic. He will pour a drink in the morning and drink all day. And for no reason his attitude changes – yelling for no reason and calling me names. I retired a year and a half ago and since then have become a housewife who pretty much does everything. He won't seek help. I have talked with a counselor to keep myself 'sane.' Any advice would be helpful. – Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of Dear Tired: It's good that you're talking to a counselor. Your husband's struggle with alcohol and his mood can bring you down, too. It's likely that it's already happening. Work with your counselor and/or a trusted friend or loved one on a plan to put some distance between what's happening with your husband and yourself. This doesn't have to be divorce or separation, if that's not something you're willing to consider right now. But for your peace of mind, your quality of life and your safety, it will help you to be out of the orbit of his booze-influenced behavior. You shouldn't have to do everything around the house if you don't want to. And it's unacceptable for him to yell at you or call you names. This is emotional abuse. One of the reasons it's important to put together a plan is so that you can be protected from this abuse and any escalation of his behavior. Also, please look into groups like Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery, which can help you navigate this living arrangement and the hard feelings you're managing. Once you have a plan in place, tell him that this situation is not acceptable to you, a number of things need to change, and that if he won't seek help, you can't keep going as you have. It may help to have a friend or loved one with you for this conversation. You're in a dangerous situation and your husband has already refused to address the root issue. So, you have to do what you can to protect yourself and to help him to help himself.
