Having affair drove me to mental breakdown but I fear I might end up having another one… this time with a man
DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING an extramarital affair – and the devastation it caused – drove me to a mental breakdown.
So why am I flirting with another affair? I don't understand why I would play with this destructive behaviour again — especially as I know the fallout only too well.
I'm 43, and married with two children. My wife is 40.
Over the last few years, my marriage has been difficult. My wife and I have been arguing a lot, and our sex life has taken a dive.
As a result, I found myself going online and looking at dating sites. I started chatting to a woman — and ended up meeting her for sex.
I'd never been unfaithful to anyone before, and sneaking around and lying affected my mental health. I hated hurting my wife and started to question what sort of person I was.
Eventually I confessed, which was awful. My wife became distraught and made me feel like a failure.
I ended my affair but fell apart. I was unable to eat or sleep, and even felt suicidal. My wife said she still loved me, and wanted me to get better and for us to work.
With help from my GP, and antidepressants, I started to feel better. My wife and I talked a lot, and we started having sex again — although it feels like we're going through the motions.
But recently, I've started to fantasise about having sex with men, which I've never done before and don't understand why the idea of this arouses me so much.
I can't tell my wife — she wouldn't understand. But I find myself looking at gay dating sites and checking out men in the street.
I'm worried that I'm going to end up having another affair. Please help.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS: It's encouraging that you recognise how dangerous your behaviour is. This is the first step to making real change.
It sounds like you are questioning your identity. It's likely your new interest in having sex with men is also a part of this identity crisis.
Please talk to your GP again. Although anti-depressants have helped your depression symptoms, you need help to get to the root of your unhappiness.
Ask about counselling. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information about this.
Your wife needs to know you're still unhappy. Ask for her support and think about couple's counselling, where you can discuss your marriage.
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
HUMEN www.wearehumen.org
Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
FEMALE BOSS IS PUSHING ME OUT OVER MENOPAUSE
DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVE I'm being punished for telling my employer I'm going through the menopause.
When I explained my symptoms were affecting my performance, I expected understanding and support. Instead, I've been sidelined and treated like a burden.
I'm 47, and last year I started feeling off' I felt exhausted all the time, had headaches, joint pain and I couldn't concentrate. After a GP visit and various tests, I was told my symptoms were due to perimenopause.
I decided to open up to my female boss, saying I was getting medical help but I needed her to know I was struggling.
She wasn't understanding. And since then, I've felt she's trying to push me out.
She's making me feel undermined and like I'm incompetent.
I don't want to leave my job but I'm miserable, and losing all my confidence.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're not alone. Research by the CIPD found two thirds of working women between 40 and 60 with menopausal symptoms said they had a negative impact on them at work.
Naturally, you expected empathy. Instead, it sounds like she's discriminating against you.
According to the Equality Act 2010, this could be against the law. Talk to your HR department and your trade union rep, if you have one.
Contact ACAS, too, acas.org.uk. It has a section on the menopause.
SHE'S SO YOUNG – DO I MAKE A MOVE?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY feelings for my younger friend have turned sexual – but I'm scared to tell her.
I fear she'll think I'm much too old for her, and then friendzone me. But I know we're perfect for each other.
I'm 46 and she's 23. We're both single.
We've been friends for six months, ever since meeting at a local book group.
We share exactly the same interests and can talk for hours. We speak on the phone every day, and meet up for coffee.
But lately I've realised I have romantic feelings for her. I think about her all the time, miss her when I'm not with her and when I'm in bed, I fantasise about her.
I no longer just want to be friends and I know we'd have a brilliant relationship.
However, I'm worried that if I tell her how I feel, she'll reject me – or worse, that it will ruin our friendship.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a tricky situation. You don't want to lose her friendship or to make her think your only interest in her is sexual.
You're double her age and, despite your interests, have a very different amount of life experience, and a likely power imbalance.
My support pack, Age Gaps – Do They Matter?, explains more.
Age gap relationships sometimes work, but unless she's given you indication that she has romantic feelings too, I'd err on the side of caution.
DO I TELL SON HE'S AUTISTIC?
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of noticing my son was different, he has finally been diagnosed with autism.
I'm not sure how to tell him, as I'm worried he might not understand. Should I wait until he's older?
My son is seven, and I'm his 42-year-old mum.
He's a lovely, bright little boy but he's always had problems socialising with other kids, and issues at school.
He was late to learn to talk and has always found it hard to cope in noisy environments. His dad and I knew there was something different about him and pushed for a referral, which took over a year.
Now we've been told he's definitely on the autistic spectrum. I can't fault the NHS or his school, which have both been really supportive.
But he doesn't know about his diagnosis, and I don't know how to explain it to him – or if I should.
I don't want him to think he's got something wrong with him or to believe that he'll never amount to anything. I also worry about how it might affect his future, and how other people will treat him.
I'd really appreciate some advice.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your son is already aware he's different so it's a good idea to explain his condition to him. If you don't, he might worry more.
One way to make it simple is to say that people are like smartphones. One type isn't better than another – they just run on different systems and have their own special features.
So, for example, neurotypical people are iPhones and neurodiverse people, like him, are android phones.
Contact the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) to see if there are any local groups where you can meet other people with neurodiverse children.
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