Ask Anna: How to make LGBTQ+ friends as an adult

Dear Anna,
My girlfriend and I (both 28, together for three years) have a solid group of friends from college and work, but we're the only queer couple in the bunch. While our friends are supportive and inclusive, we're craving connections with other LGBTQ+ people who just 'get it' without explanation. The problem is, we're not sure how to branch out at this stage of our lives. We're past the club scene and dating apps obviously aren't the right tool for friendship. We've tried a few LGBTQ+ meetups but they skewed much older than us. How do we find our queer chosen family without it feeling forced or like we're abandoning our current friendships? We want to expand our circle, not replace it, but we're struggling to know where to start. — Bad at Finding Friends
Dear BFF,
The struggle is real. Regardless of sexual orientation, the older we get, the harder it is to make friends. This isn't your fault. When we're younger, socialization is built into a lot of our activities. As we age, that becomes less and less true. And depending on where you live, finding friends can be especially challenging, particularly if you're in a monogamous relationship, aka not doing the dating-to-friends pipeline.
I have vivid memories of being 22 and making lifelong friends with random people on the sidewalk at Pride, getting swept into their friend group like some beautiful gay fairy tale. (Fairy gayle?) Alas, those days are over. Is it because I'm too jaded to strike up conversations with strangers on sidewalks? Or because everyone's buried in their phones? Probably both, plus the fun crushing weight of adult social anxiety.
But fear not! Alternatives do exist. However, like getting abs or learning TikTok dances, a certain amount of effort must be invested to get anything worthwhile out of it.
Let's talk apps, because as the cliche goes, there's an app for everything now, including queer friendship. Lex has a friendship/community component that (in my opinion) works way better than using it for dating. It's text-first, so you actually get to know people's personalities instead of judging their bathroom mirror selfie game. Plus, you can join group chats based on your interests — comedy shows, writing fan-fiction, rock climbing, erotic crochet (I mean, one can dream), etc. HER also lets you switch to 'looking for friends' mode, though you'll still get the occasional person who clearly didn't read your profile and propositions you anyway. And Bumble BFF exists too — not exclusively queer, but you can be pretty obvious about what you're seeking.
For IRL connections, think beyond those generic 'LGBTQ+ Meetup' events where everyone stands around awkwardly eating gluten-free wafers. Look for activity-based groups where friendship happens naturally while you're distracted by actually doing something fun. What would you enjoy doing anyway that just happens to be better with other queer humans? Book clubs where you can argue about whether that character was actually gay or just 'really good friends,' hiking groups, volunteer work that doesn't make you want to cry. Many cities have queer sports leagues ranging from serious competition to less serious. (Drunk pickleball, anyone?) Gay bar trivia nights are clutch — nothing bonds people like collectively failing to remember who won Eurovision in 2019.
Pro tip: Become the lesbian social coordinator you wish existed in the world. Host a casual Pride potluck and make each of your straight friends bring one queer person they know. Your allies probably have LGBTQ+ coworkers, cousins or that person from their yoga class who has a labret piercing and a rainbow carabiner. You'd be amazed how connected we all are through the gay grapevine.
Check out local LGBTQ+ centers too — many have age-specific events so you don't end up feeling like someone's mom at a college mixer or someone's granddaughter at a retirement home bingo night. (Though I've done both and can say these events also have their charms.)
Remember: Building chosen family is a marathon, not a sprint (unless you're really lucky and stumble into a friend group at karaoke night/a magical sidewalk). Start with one genuine connection and let it take as long as it takes to bloom. The beauty of queer friendship is real — that instant 'finally, someone who gets it' feeling when you don't have to explain why your heart quickens during certain Chappell Roan songs or watching Cate Blanchett do literally anything. Be patient and keep searching. Happy Pride.
___

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30 minutes ago

• Buzz Feed

39 Home Essentials That Deserve Your Attention

A pack of transparent window fly traps because the flies are not paying rent and it's time to evict them. These ultra-sticky, non-toxic decals blend right into your windows while luring in everything from house flies to gnats. Peel, stick, and enjoy your bug-free home without a single zap or swat. Promising review: "This is disgusting and so stinking satisfying. I'm renting a house that does not have a screen door, and I have two young children who run in and out. They bring a lot of flies with them. I've tried several different things... But what's amazing about this is that you stick it on the window, you walk away, and you let the tape do all the work for you. Disgusting and fascinating to my toddlers? Yes and yes. Is that 18 fewer flies I'm chasing around the kitchen with the swatter? Oh yes." —Meaghan Get it from Amazon for $6.29+ (available in multiple pack sizes). A set of Beckham Hotel Collection pillows to replace your old pillows. These are big, fluffy, and soft, and everyone says it feels like you're sleeping at a fancy hotel when you use them. Yes, please! See them in action in TikTok user Aprill Mae's review: "Due to packaging, they are quite flat at first. Laid them flat for a few hours. Shook and fluffed them up and was able to sleep like a baby last night. These pillows are heavenly. I say that because it feels as though you're sleeping on a cloud. I slept with both. One under my head and one to hug. They stayed a comfortable temp all night long. The first morning, I didn't wake up with neck, shoulder, and back pain in over a week and a half. I feel rested and refreshed." —Amazon Customer"These are THE BEST pillows! I'm a side/stomach sleeper, and these provide the perfect amount of support for me. Exactly what I was looking for. I was a bit skeptical, given how inexpensive they are — I'm used to spending a lot on bedding — but I decided to trust the over 200,000 reviews, and I'm so glad I did. Highly, highly recommend." —Irene PopeGet it from Amazon for $59.99+ (available in three sizes). And a set of silk-like pillowcases for dressing up your bedding without needing to spend big bucks. There are 36 colors available, so you're sure to find the right one for your bed's vibe. A 3-in-1 wireless charger to charge your iPhone, Apple Watch, and AirPods all at the same time, no unsightly nest of cords required. A food storage set that includes eight 30-ounce containers with lids. The containers are glass, which means you won't get the food stains you often see with traditional plastic food storage containers. I use these for meal prepping all the time. Promising review: "Absolutely love this product! Makes storing and transporting my meals extremely easy and keeps everything fresh all week. Portion size is perfect. I fit a whole chicken breast plus rice in them with room to spare. The leak-proof design holds in freshness in and gives me peace of mind when transporting them in my backpack. When all is done they are extremely easy to clean." —RHGet it on Amazon for $35.99 (available in three colors). A jar of the The Pink Stuff — aka TikTok's favorite all-purpose cleaning paste. From everyday messes to years' worth of buildup, there's no grossness that this miracle cleaner can't take on. A Go Hang It! picture hanging and leveling kit that's here to save you from wall art purgatory. If measuring and leveling seems really daunting, this tool makes it easy. An outlet light if you need a little light here and there around the house. Perfect for those of us who take nightly bathroom breaks or want to safely get to the kitchen for a midnight snack without turning on all the overhead lights. An Instant Pot to pressure cook, slow cook, cook rice, steam, sauté...and even make yogurt. This is truly an amazing small appliance that will make cooking so many of your different dishes a breeze, I promise. And because it can do so much in such a little device, imagine all the countertop and cabinet space you'll save. Promising review: "This is quite possibly the coolest, most versatile kitchen gadget I've ever owned. I love it so much that I've purchased two more for friends and relatives. What can it do? I think the real question is 'What can't it do?' I truly believe you could replace every cooking appliance (including your oven and stove top) and do EVERYTHING in the Instant Pot. I purchased two sizes for my own use: the 3-quart (which is my almost-every-day workhorse for two person dishes) and the 8-quart (which I bring out to handle my dinner party dishes). Everything I've tried has been fabulous. In the realm of kitchen appliances, there is no better investment than the Instant Pot. Highly recommended!!!" —StereomanGet it from Amazon for $79.99. A microfiber spin mop so your mop isn't soaking wet before you get to cleaning. It's machine washable, has an automatic wringer, and is designed in a shape that will reach into small spaces and corners, no problem. Or a flat mop that basically cleans itself, so you don't have to touch the grimy mop head (bless). The compact design makes it great for tight spaces, and the reusable microfiber pads mean you can keep your floors and walls sparkling without hauling out a giant mop setup every time. An automatic, odor-absorbing, sensor-activated trash can made of fingerprint-proof stainless steel. Who knew a single trashcan could do so much? Promising review: "I bought this trash can eight years ago. At the time, it was hard to find any stainless-steel trash cans for an affordable price, so the fact that this was the most reasonable and it had the automated lid seemed like a pretty easy choice. It still looks great and works great. You can wave over the sensor to open the lid, or there is a button on the front of it to open the lid and keep it open. The lid does a great job of holding any odors in while it's closed." —SomniGet it from Amazon for $49.07+ (available in six styles). A veggie chopper so that prepping an abundance of food is easier than doing it all by hand. Give yourself a break with this chopper that uses four blades to julienne, chop, and slice vegetables with ease. A nonslip, quick-dry stone bath mat if you're tired of soggy bath mats that take forever to dry. This is made out of diatomaceous earth (fancy, right?), which dries faster than you can say "bye-bye mildew." Dorai is a small business in Salt Lake City that makes everyday items for the home. Promising review: "The last bathroom mat you will ever need! This product has been a game-changer for us. We liked it so much, we gifted it to a few of our friends, and they all loved it, too! The standout feature is how it almost instantly dries your feet with a unique suction effect — once you experience this, there's no going back to regular bathmats. It's versatile, performing well in both hot and cold weather, and the included slip-resistant rubber mat is a thoughtful addition." —Joshua it from Amazon for $69+ (available in two colors and two styles). A multi-plug outlet with six electric outlets, two USB ports, and a built-in nightlight. The nightlight has three levels of brightness, and can turn on automatically when it senses the area getting dark. An expandable shelf for under your sink that adjusts itself around your awkwardly shaped pipe. You will be able to fit so much more stuff under your sink when you use this! Measures 15 inches long x 11.25 inches wide x 15 inches high and can expand to 25 inches review: "I'm so glad I bought this. I have a 24-inch vanity in my bathroom and this fit perfectly. I have it extended to about 23-inch and it holds sturdy, though I can see if you were to extend it to its full length it gets weak in the middle. I liked it so much that I ordered another one for the kitchen. I got some clear bins to help organize bottles and other goodies I keep in the bath." —Marlene it from Amazon for $24.87 (available in three finishes). A garlic chopper to mince or chop garlic for you. You literally just put up to five regular-size cloves in it and then use your hand to roll this thing on any smooth surface, and it chops it all up in a matter of seconds. If you want to mince it, you keep rolling for maybe 10 more seconds. I have one of these and sticky hands and knives are now a thing of the past. Promising review: "Love! Love! Love the GarlicZoom! Mincing garlic has never been more easy or fun. It makes mince work out of garlic, onion, chilies and herbs. I'm not sure what I love most about this little gadget. Not smelling stinky garlic fingers all night? No burning fingers or eyes from chopping a super hot chile? Or mincing fresh herbs in a blink of an eye. I have a problem wrist from an injury and an arm and hand that suffers from nerve damage. I can still manage to zoom this. When people ask if the can help in the kitchen, this is the chore that I give them and everyone loves it. They think it's the neatest little thing." —Kennedy CollinsGet it from Amazon for $14.61. A pack of Affresh dishwasher-cleaning tablets for making sure your dishwasher is super clean and therefore capable of making sure your dishes are too. All you do is drop a tablet into the dishwasher before you run a load, and it does all the work from there. Promising reviews: "Works extremely well. We haven't done any cleaning on our dishwasher in five years, and there was detergent buildup all over the inside, and a milky film on all our cups. I bought Affresh, ran the dishwasher with two tablets while it was empty, and the difference was astounding. There was still some buildup and I figured it would require another cycle, so I popped another two tablets in, and now it looks and sounds brand new. No more film on the glasses, no more dirty dishes from clogged sprayers, no more odors or buildup around the door seals." —MartouneGet a pack of six tablets from Amazon for $8.99. Some sleek transparent dividers to separate clothes into categories. Sweaters, pants, T-shirts, and more will finally have a place inside your closet that doesn't require being hung up. Promising review: "These dividers have changed my life! I put them on the top shelf of my clothes closet and divide sections into the type of clothes I want. One section has blue jeans, another section has black pants, another section has lightweight summer pants, and I can see everything just looking up at the shelf. My closet is no longer a mess, and the top shelf above the hanging clothes is no longer the place where I just throw things and can't keep track of them. I never knew what was up there and now I do! As I said I just bought a second set of them for my second closet." —Elizabeth Get it from Amazon for $13.99+ (available in three colors and packs of two, four, six, or eight). A foaming garbage disposal cleaner that uses magical blue foam to rid your garbage disposal of foodstuff and odor. I have these and actually look forward to using them, they're that great. You push one of the biodegradable packets into your drain and then turn the water on. Before you know it, this blue foam starts bubbling up from your drain(s) and after a few minutes completely disappears. After that, the drain is super clean and those lingering smells are gone. Here's what you do: Run some hot water, pop one of the packets in your disposer, let it foam, then wait for the foam to fully disappear. Garbage disposer = clean and ickiness-free. Promising review: "Works like a charm! These are pretty cool! I was a little skeptical but I followed the easy-to-use directions and it worked just like the product said it would. Foamed up and cleaned the drain!! Smell removed!!" —Jennifer KGet two packs of four from Amazon for $12.97. A set of two toothpaste squeezers so you get every last ounce of toothpaste out of the tube. It also holds your toothpaste upright, which means it won't take up as much valuable countertop space. I really hate wasting product, but so many bottles and tubes make it impossible to get the last couple of tablespoons of stuff out. I can't stand this! With this squeezer, I literally get ALL the toothpaste out before I need a new tube, and it's soooo satisfying. Promising review: "These work great. They keep even a full tube upright so the bathroom counter looks tidier. The key twists the empty section of the tube easily so every bit of the toothpaste is used with no fuss. Have one for my husband and me and for each of the two kids. Highly recommend this product." —Chelley PattersonGet a set of two from Amazon for $7.80+ (available in two color combinations). A pumice stone for removing hard water stains in your toilet's bowl. Considered a must-have cleaning tool, if there's a stain in your toilet that you're sure is permanent, try this out and watch it disappear like magic. Powerstone is a small business that makes home cleaning products out of pumice stone. Promising review: "The holy grail of toilet cleaning. Oh wow! I am so happy with this pumice! It removed all the buildup from my hard water easily and quickly! I was thinking I would have to buy a new toilet and start over and just try to clean it every day. I've NEVER been so pleased with a product!" —TashaGet it from Amazon for $12.87+. (be sure to clip the 20% off coupon when applicable; available in packs of one or two). Some motion-activated, battery-powered night-lights to illuminate dark areas in your home. I use these in closets, deep cabinets, and my bathroom that has a really loud fan that turns on every time I switch the light on. A roll-up drying rack so you can let dishes and produce dry without taking up valuable countertop space. And because it goes over the sink, no need to worry about water dripping all over the place. A utility wagon to haul all your heavy stuff around. I used mine nearly every day — getting groceries and heavy packages into my apartment, taking recycling down to the bins. And to add more icing to the cake, it completely collapses when not in use. A 15-piece set of airtight food containers, because your pantry staples deserve a designated home. This set has over 24,600 5-star reviews for a reason, it's that good. Promising review: "I ordered this set to continue on the road to an organized pantry. There are enough containers and enough variety of sizes to make me happy. I have stored pastas and noodles, dried beans, rice, sugar, instant mashed potatoes, crackers, etc. When I open a box of something, I put whatever is unused into one of the containers and feel very secure that the contents will be fresh and protected from any possible insect problems." —R MGet it from Amazon for $23.99+ (available in three colors). A rapid egg cooker to cook up to six eggs five different ways with a push of a button. Hard boil, soft boil, poach, scrambled, even omelets — this tiny appliance will do it all so you don't have to. Promising review: "If you are on the fence about getting one of these, GET ONE. It really is as easy as it sounds to have a perfectly cooked egg, no guesswork. Just have an ice bath ready next to the cooker and let the eggs sit for a minute or two in come right off :) Makes healthy eating a breeze in the morning! Where has this been all my life?!?!?" —rebeccaGet it from Amazon for $18.99+ (available in six colors).Check out our Dash Rapid Egg Cooker review. A CovoBox that provides hidden storage for unsightly things like routers and bulky cords. Each box is made right here in the USA with real wood and reclaimed books. A dishwasher magnet to let you know if the dishes are clean or dirty. With just one swipe you never have to worry about unloading dishes that haven't actually been washed. A windproof rechargeable lighter for all your candles and grilling needs. The flexible neck makes it easy to light hard to reach wicks, and it'll spark 400 times before it needs to be recharged. Promising reviews: "I'm a candle-freak, so I was tired of using a regular lighter and then having to rig up something to reach the wicks as my candles burned down. I had seen these lighters previously, read through the reviews and decided to purchase. I've been very happy with my purchase. After reading reviews, I just make sure to clean the lighter with the little brush that's included, to make sure there is no wax on it, each time I use it. I have had no problems." —MMGet it from Amazon for $7.99. A nontoxic, plant- and mineral-based essentials cleaning kit so that you can keep your home sparkling clean without the use of harsh chemicals. The kit may give you sticker shock, but after you factor in how many times you can refill each bottle with the magical concentrate, it breaks down to about the same price per bottle of cleaner you'd buy at a big store. Each kit comes with a 33.8 oz bottle of cleaning concentrate and three refillable bottles for all-purpose cleaner, bathroom cleaner, and glass cleaner. Branch Basics is a woman-owned small business based in Minneapolis, making high-quality, non-toxic cleaning review: "This is the cleaning solution I've been needing for so long. Having young kids, I'm constantly thinking about ingredients and what's healthy for our family. I LOVE there is no smell, and I can use for so many things around my house. Thank you for creating a such an amazing cleaning brand.❤️ I love this." —Whitney T. Get it from Branch Basics for $67+ (available in plastic or glass bottles). A dual-spray showerhead for a better bathing experience. The handheld head is great for making sure you never get out of the shower not realizing your hair still has conditioner in it. A set of drawer organizers that'll help keep your socks, bras, undies, and more from overflowing and taking over your bedroom floor. You'll get 45 cells out of this set, so there really will be a place for everything. The set includes four bins: one with six cells for scarves and tights, eight square cells for underwear, seven wide cells for bras, and 24 small cells for review: "I love these things; they're so versatile. I have them all over: drawers, closet shelves, cabinets. I use them for more than just underwear too. I use them for dry art supplies in open shelves and just about anywhere else I need to organize." —Kindle MacGet it from Amazon for $14.97 (available in seven colors). And a honeycomb divider if your drawer is a sea of mismatched socks. This tiny but mighty divider will create 18 pockets, though reviewers say bigger drawers can accommodate two sets — so 36 pockets. The set snaps together with maximum dimensions of 13.25 inches x14.38 inches, but you can snap two (or more!) packs together if you want to fill more drawer space!Promising review: "Okay, admittedly, I am a bit of an organization freak. I purchased two of these organizers (yes, you do need two PER drawer) to organize my underwear drawer. The gratification I got from being able to see exactly what I had, neatly organized, easy to find... Wow. I definitely recommend this product. And the actual dividers are well made and super easy to assemble." —BrigetteGet it from Amazon for $9.17+ (available in black or white). A moisture meter to place deep down into the soil so you know exactly how much water your plant is getting. Under- and overwatering can be a thing of the past, people! A two-stage knife sharpener, because preparing food with a dull knife is never a good idea. Keep all your knives sharp with this easy tool that only requires a few swipes to make it like new again. Promising review: "Wow, this little gadget is pretty amazing! I have some old (expensive) nonserrated knives that are supposed to never need sharpening but unfortunately, lost their sharp edge long ago. I saw this gadget and decided to try it. I set the bottom of this gadget on the edge of the counter and ran one of the knives through the side labeled 'Coarse' about 10 times, then ran it through the side labeled 'Fine' another 8–10 times. Bingo! The knife was transformed back to its former high-dollar cutlery glory. I could hardly believe how effectively it had sharpened the knife, which I had been ready to throw away a week before. I've been happily sharpening all our knives and trying to add up in my head how much money I've saved by NOT having to buy another set of expensive knives. Great score!" —Schelly L. WagonerGet it from Amazon for $8.70+ (available in four colors).Read our full review of the KitchenIQ knife sharpener. A pair of smartplugs that you can control with your voice or the accompanying app. If you want the lights to be on when you get home, just use the app to make sure it happens. Either turn them on remotely through the app or schedule a time for them to turn on. Promising review: "I purchased the two pack for these smart outlets. They are very easy to setup and link to your home Wi-Fi via the intuitive app. The app itself is great and it is easy to link up and control multiple smart outlets and even allows you to take pictures of the device that is powered by the outlet and set up schedules for on/off times which makes it very convenient for lamps or other devices you want to run at night only. The app also comes with a widget as well which can be viewed from the lock screen which is very useful because It reduces the amount of push notifications you get on a daily basis. The device itself also has a manual on/off button as well so if your Wi-Fi goes out you can still manually operate the device as well. I would purchase this again." —Samson GebreGet a pack of two from Amazon for $14.96. A double closet rod for getting the most out of your closet's vertical space. All those blouses, jackets, and shirts are taking up way too much valuable real estate, so literally double your space with this nifty tool. Promising review: "This is sturdy and lightweight. This closet rod doubled my available space in seconds. There is plenty of space on the top rod for longer shirts and tops and shorter ones fit perfectly on the lower rod, without touching the floor. Plus, hangers stay in place and don't slide to one end or the other based on how heavy items are, and so far the rod hasn't sagged or bowed at all. And I have all my sweatshirts and heavy fleece jackets on the bottom rod. Space will obviously depend on the height of the closet rod you hang this from, but I would highly recommend this for anyone with need of more closet space!!" —CCBunEGet it from Amazon for $15.99. And a magnetic bobby pin tray so that all your pins stay in one place instead of literally everywhere else. I find bobby pins everywhere — under my sofa cushions, in the back of drawers, at the bottom of the laundry bin — and it's entirely preventable with a simple tool like this.

Newsweek

6 hours ago

• Newsweek

Woman Picks Up Shell—Only to Learn It's One of The Deadliest on Earth

Based on facts, either observed and verified firsthand by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources. Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content. After spotting a beautiful shell, Beckylee Rawls didn't think twice about picking it up to get a closer look. What she never could have imagined was that she was actually holding one of the world's most venomous creatures, which can paralyze and kill its prey. Rawls, 29, was tide pooling in Okinawa, Japan, in early June when she noticed a shell with a gorgeous marble pattern in the water. As someone with a collection of shells at home, she couldn't resist picking it up and getting a closer look. Indeed, she even captured a video showing the marble cone snail in her bare hand, telling Newsweek that she "had no idea it could be dangerous." Rawls said: "When I first saw the shell, I was just focused on how beautiful it was. I've picked up so many shells while at the beach before without hesitancy. I didn't even realize it was alive at first." Beckylee Rawls, 29, showing the cone snail shells she's collected, and the one she found in Japan. Beckylee Rawls, 29, showing the cone snail shells she's collected, and the one she found in Japan. @beckyleeinoki / TikTok Once she realized it was still alive, she assumed it was "just a harmless snail" and placed it back in the water. Thankfully so, in the end. It was only when she got home and did a reverse image search of the shell that Rawls came to realize that this was no ordinary shell. She was stunned to discover that it was in fact a cone snail—one of the deadliest creatures in the world. Cone snails, part of the Conidae family, are a type of predatory gastropod mollusk that live inside spiral shells. They range in size, reaching up to around 11 inches in length, but their power lies within their toxic venom. They capture their prey by using a harpoon-like hollow tooth known as a radula, which is jabbed into prey to inject the venom which can paralyze and kill. While they typically hunt worms or other mollusks, humans can be stung by inadvertently picking cone snails up in their hands. Research published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information suggests that the venom from one cone snail has the potential to kill up to 700 people. Indeed, most envenomation among humans occurs on the palms and fingers. Rawls had no idea what she was holding at the time, but after learning more about the danger of cone snails, she immediately felt "the fear set in." She continued: "I started thinking through everything I had done—holding and shaking it—and realizing how bad it could've been. I was so paranoid for days that I had been stung and just didn't realize it yet. "But I never felt anything, and eventually I accepted I was okay. The more I researched the cone snail, the scarier it got, especially when I found out there's no antivenom." Thankfully, Rawls wasn't stung, and she didn't experience any symptoms in the days that followed. Nonetheless, she was very shaken up by the terrifying close call. It seemed like such a harmless shell, but the reality was very different. Rawls shared footage of her encounter with the deadly snail which can cause "full paralysis in minutes" on TikTok (@beckyleeinoki). The video went viral with over 25.8 million views and more than 833,500 likes in a matter of days, as many people were desperate to know more. She's been overwhelmed by the response, as plenty of TikTok users thanked Rawls for sharing her story because they would have done the same as her without knowing. "It really showed me how little-known this danger is, which made me feel like sharing it was the right thing," Rawls told Newsweek. "I still love the ocean, and this won't scare me away, but I'm way more cautious now. I treat anything unfamiliar with respect and distance. I'm grateful for whatever reason the snail did not sting me and to have this second chance." Whenever she's exploring the coastline now, Rawls has a new rule that she will be sure to follow: if it's a cone, leave it alone. Social media users were left horrified by Rawls's near miss with the deadly cone snail, leading to more than 7,000 comments on her TikTok post. One comment reads: "so this is the day I stop picking up shells from the beach!" Another TikTok user wrote: "They need to teach this in schools because i also would have 100 percent picked that up." While another person added: "As a biologist, I learned to admire things from afar. Do not touch anything if it's new for you." Is there a health issue that's worrying you? Let us know via health@ We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

Yahoo

a day ago

• Yahoo

It's Time We Acknowledge That Older Sisters Are The Backbone Of Society

Younger children everywhere, you've been put on notice: Your oldest sister is tired of doing it all. On Reductress, a jokey headline declared, ''Eldest Daughter' Finally Added as Official Diagnosis in DSM-V' because of all the mental duress oldest sisters are under. (Though not an actual psychological diagnosis, the pop psychology phrase 'oldest daughter syndrome' has hit a nerve with many oldest daughters.) On TikTok, youngest brothers ― those diametrically opposed to oldest daughters in responsibilities ― jokingly apologize for doing the bare minimum in life and skirting the emotional labor that's second nature to women. Elsewhere on social media, big sisters joke about how it's time we acknowledge that older sisters are the backbone of society. (It's true: Big sisters tend to be overrepresented in powerful women lists. What do Eleanor Roosevelt,Taylor Swift, Hillary Clinton and Beyoncé all have in common? They're all high-performing older sisters.) Eldest daughters see what needs to be done and do it ― but it comes at a cost, said Lisette Schuitemaker, the author of 'The Eldest Daughter Effect: How Firstborn Women Harness Their Strengths.' 'Our particular life path makes us into responsible, dutiful, hands-on, thoughtful and caring women,' she said. 'You will often find us in positions of leadership because we have been trained to take the lead from a young age.' The flip side of that 'is we can get bogged down by the many tasks on our to-do lists because we feel responsible for all and need to save the planet,' she said. Oldest brothers deal with a lot, no doubt, but it's different for girls; a 2016 UNICEF study found that girls between ages 5 and 14 spend 40% more time on domestic work than boys. 'There are usually different gender expectations placed on boys vs. girls,' said Leeor Gal, a marriage and family therapist in Pennsylvania. 'Girls are oftentimes raised to be 'caring,' and boys are raised to be 'tough.'' 'Caring' entails a lot: 'What you sometimes see is oldest daughters developing people-pleasing tendencies or feeling responsible for other's well-being,' Gal said. 'A younger girl might learn to put her needs last for the sake of someone else.' Y.L. Wolfe is the oldest of everything: oldest daughter, oldest child out of four siblings, oldest grandchild and oldest niece. 'I always saw myself as my mother's assistant throughout my life ― even when I was very young,' she told HuffPost. 'I have memories going back to the age of 3 in which I was worrying about my younger sister's welfare when she was 1.' Parentification, where a child feels compelled to take on responsibility for their family's emotional, physical and/or mental well-being, was a huge part of Wolfe's childhood. Psychologists say emotional parentification can lead to difficulty in self-regulating, setting boundaries and building relationships. Growing up, Wolfe would watch her baby brother before school when she was 11 (he even started calling her 'second mom'), go grocery shopping for the family and handle any emergencies that cropped up. 'When I was in high school, and my mother had a health crisis, my father called me from the hospital, crying, telling me they didn't know if my mother was going to make it and that he needed me to take care of the kids until the doctors could figure out what was wrong,' Wolfe said. She did what she always did and stepped up, taking care of everything until her mother could come home. She recalls her dad insisting she didn't tell the other kids how bad it was. 'He wanted to protect them, but that same thought wasn't extended to me,' she said. 'I am sometimes haunted by that memory because no one thought about how young I still was and how much I needed protection, too.' In adulthood, she became the peacemaker of the family, the go-between when family members were in conflict. When her sisters had kids, she often felt like an executive assistant to them. 'I've been there through so much, helped with doctor's appointments, moving into new houses, helping take care of the kids when they were sick,' she said. Wolfe admits she sometimes wonders if her family would continue to ask for favors if she'd had a family of her own. 'If you're single and don't have children, the expectation is that we don't have any obligations or stressors in life and so we owe our families extra labor,' she said. Wolfe said it took her until her 40s to recognize how much of her identity was tied up in big sister-ness and how much it took out of her. Now, she's heartened to see younger generations put their feet down. 'To suddenly see women collectively stepping into an 'eldest daughter revolution,' as I call it, has brought me to my knees in gratitude,' she said. 'I felt like I was always trying to extract myself from this dynamic in a vacuum. It's about time we are talking about this!' As the oldest of four in an immigrant family, Parween Mander, a financial coach from Vancouver, Canada, also felt like a makeshift third parent growing up. 'I was always keenly aware of specific financial challenges my parents were going through ― translating bank statements and tax papers for them and talking with bank representatives,' she said. The biggest hurdle happened when she was 16 years old, and the family almost lost their home. Mander recalls sitting in on meetings with mortgage representatives and trying her best to help her parents secure a new mortgage. 'That taught me that not having money means a lack of power, safety and control,' she said. 'It defined my relationship with money.' New financial challenges crop up with aging parents: retirement planning and medical bills. As an older daughter, Mander said she still picks up the slack. She notices the same tendencies among her clients who are older siblings: They'll overextend themselves with younger siblings, too ― lending money they may not have, grabbing the bill when out for dinners and overspending on gifts. 'As the oldest, typically we don't want our siblings to witness or go through financial hardship and money scarcity like we did, so I find that a lot of those clients spend money each month to buy their siblings things,' she said. Mander has started to use the phrase 'good daughter trauma' to describe the innate desire to use money as a tool to people please and ensure others around you are taken care of financially. After a while, your family comes to expect that. When older siblings act differently, saying no or prioritizing their own needs, it shocks the family system. 'If we spend money on ourselves or prioritize ourselves first, we are labeled selfish or 'cheap,'' she said. Vidhusha Thirugnanam is another exhausted big sister from a first-generation immigrant family. Growing up in Toronto, Canada, she helped her parents understand documents and Canadian life while setting an example for her two younger sisters. The burden of being perfect was heavy. 'I sought validation from my parents and did whatever it took to maintain peace in the household,' Thirugnanam told HuffPost. 'That was always too much pressure for a child.' As she got older, she realized it wasn't her responsibility to fix her family. There are jokes online about how cataclysmic it would be if the oldest daughters went on strike, and to some extent, that's exactly what Thirugnanam did. Her family is faring fine, and her life has been a lot calmer since. 'I decided to take a step back in family duties and focus more on myself. I established boundaries and no longer seek validation,' she said. 'I found peace of mind doing this. I recommend it to all oldest daughters who feel they are being emotionally and physically drained by their family's expectations of them.' Learning to establish healthy boundaries and recognizing when your mental health is at stake are huge milestones, said Thirugnanam, who's made a number of TikToks about the oldest daughter experience. Today, she leans into the saying, 'You cannot pour into the cups of others if you yourself are empty. Learn to fill your own cup first.' 'A lot of oldest daughters will run themselves dry, putting their family's needs ahead of their own,' she said. 'I am here to normalize oldest daughters taking a step back for the sake of their own well-being.' Want to take on less as the oldest? Below are some tips on taking a step back while still being an integral, important part of your family. The goal is to feel responsible but not take responsibility all the time, Schuitemaker said. Practice letting others take the lead, even if it would be easier to address yourself rather than wait for them to do it. At 69, Schuitemaker said she still has to remind herself that her siblings and younger family members can care for themselves. 'Let others organize the family outing, or don't automatically take all the care of your elderly parents on your shoulders,' she said. 'It's not easy, but you will also be pleasantly surprised by what others are able to handle.' Setting boundaries is a great place to start, but it's not just boundaries with others that we need to work on, Gal said; it's boundaries with ourselves, too. 'It's not easy to change years of habits and actions, so we must first start with getting comfortable with saying no to ourselves before we do so with others,' she said. Try to identify your needs within the family: Do you care whether or not you're hosting the holidays or cooking a three-course dinner for someone's birthday? If you don't want to, practice identifying that within yourself first. 'Once that has been set, you are ready to suggest someone else's house for this year's gathering,' Gal said. 'You don't have to make huge leaps; simply start with something small and make your way towards the bigger boundaries.' If you've shouldered financial responsibilities in the past, recognize that it's OK to ask for help and be vulnerable yourself, Mander said. 'You don't have to do this alone,' she said. 'Depending on your situation and how old your siblings are, find a way to split and even out the financial responsibilities you carry with them.' Always make sure to put money aside into your own savings account(s) first or debt repayment before lending or spending money on others, she added. 'What I find is with my clients because they don't have financial clarity, they spend and give money away because they 'go with the flow' and don't know if they can truly afford to support others,' she said. 'Once we get them on a budget and system, they're able to make better decisions and stick up for themselves because now they can see the impact of helping someone else before themselves,' she said. It wasn't until her 40s that Wolfe started to look at her family dynamic with clear eyes and realize the support she received from her family pale in comparison to what she'd given them through the years. 'These days, I'm not interested in allowing people to burden me with non-reciprocal expectations, and frankly, despite how much I love them, I'm tired of being my family's concierge,' she said. Hoping to turn a new page, she started doing boundary work with her therapist. 'I won't lie: It's hard work,' she admitted. 'It's hard to break free from this dynamic because many of us are proud of what we do and have done for our families. We know this makes us valuable to them.' But as Wolfe has learned, that belief can derail your life path and make you forget who you are separate from your loved ones. 'I often feel that part of the reason I never had kids was because I knew it would shift my attention away from my family, and I was terrified to let them down,' she said. 'Today, though I still wrestle with that fear, I'm more terrified of letting myself down than them.' The 6 Most Common Things Oldest Siblings Bring Up In Therapy Are You 'Parentifying' Your Children? Here's What You Should Know. 30 Too-Real Tweets About Being The Eldest Daughter