Having affair drove me to mental breakdown but I fear I might end up having another one… this time with a man
DEAR DEIDRE:
HAVING an extramarital affair – and the devastation it caused – drove me to a mental breakdown.
So why am I flirting with another affair? I don't understand why I would play with this destructive behaviour again — especially as I know the fallout only too well.
I'm 43, and married with two children. My wife is 40.
Over the last few years, my marriage has been difficult. My wife and I have been arguing a lot, and our sex life has taken a dive.
As a result, I found myself going online and looking at dating sites. I started chatting to a woman — and ended up meeting her for sex.
I'd never been unfaithful to anyone before, and sneaking around and lying affected my mental health. I hated hurting my wife and started to question what sort of person I was.
Eventually I confessed, which was awful. My wife became distraught and made me feel like a failure.
I ended my affair but fell apart. I was unable to eat or sleep, and even felt suicidal. My wife said she still loved me, and wanted me to get better and for us to work.
With help from my GP, and antidepressants, I started to feel better. My wife and I talked a lot, and we started having sex again — although it feels like we're going through the motions.
But recently, I've started to fantasise about having sex with men, which I've never done before and don't understand why the idea of this arouses me so much.
I can't tell my wife — she wouldn't understand. But I find myself looking at gay dating sites and checking out men in the street.
I'm worried that I'm going to end up having another affair. Please help.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS:
It's encouraging that you recognise how dangerous your behaviour is. This is the first step to making real change.
It sounds like you are questioning your identity. It's likely your new interest in having sex with men is also a part of this identity crisis.
Please talk to your GP again. Although anti-depressants have helped your depression symptoms, you need help to get to the root of your unhappiness.
Ask about counselling. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information about this.
Your wife needs to know you're still unhappy. Ask for her support and think about couple's counselling, where you can discuss your marriage.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others…
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
CALM,
Heads Together,
HUMEN
Mind,
Papyrus,
Samaritans,
FEMALE BOSS IS PUSHING ME OUT OVER MENOPAUSE
DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVE I'm being punished for telling my employer I'm going through the menopause.
When I explained my symptoms were affecting my performance, I expected understanding and support. Instead, I've been sidelined and treated like a burden.
I'm 47, and last year I started feeling off' I felt exhausted all the time, had headaches, joint pain and I couldn't concentrate. After a GP visit and various tests, I was told my symptoms were due to perimenopause.
I decided to open up to my female boss, saying I was getting medical help but I needed her to know I was struggling.
She wasn't understanding. And since then, I've felt she's trying to push me out.
She's making me feel undermined and like I'm incompetent.
I don't want to leave my job but I'm miserable, and losing all my confidence.
DEIDRE SAYS:
You're not alone. Research by the CIPD found two thirds of working women between 40 and 60 with menopausal symptoms said they had a negative impact on them at work.
Naturally, you expected empathy. Instead, it sounds like she's discriminating against you.
According to the Equality Act 2010, this could be against the law. Talk to your HR department and your trade union rep, if you have one.
Contact ACAS, too,
SHE'S SO YOUNG – DO I MAKE A MOVE?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY feelings for my younger friend have turned sexual – but I'm scared to tell her.
I fear she'll think I'm much too old for her, and then friendzone me. But I know we're perfect for each other.
I'm 46 and she's 23. We're both single.
We've been friends for six months, ever since meeting at a local book group.
We share exactly the same interests and can talk for hours. We speak on the phone every day, and meet up for coffee.
But lately I've realised I have romantic feelings for her. I think about her all the time, miss her when I'm not with her and when I'm in bed, I fantasise about her.
I no longer just want to be friends and I know we'd have a brilliant relationship.
However, I'm worried that if I tell her how I feel, she'll reject me – or worse, that it will ruin our friendship.
DEIDRE SAYS:
This is a tricky situation. You don't want to lose her friendship or to make her think your only interest in her is sexual.
You're double her age and, despite your interests, have a very different amount of life experience, and a likely power imbalance.
My support pack, Age Gaps – Do They Matter?, explains more.
Age gap relationships sometimes work, but unless she's given you indication that she has romantic feelings too, I'd err on the side of caution.
DO I TELL SON HE'S AUTISTIC?
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of noticing my son was different, he has finally been diagnosed with autism.
I'm not sure how to tell him, as I'm worried he might not understand. Should I wait until he's older?
My son is seven, and I'm his 42-year-old mum.
He's a lovely, bright little boy but he's always had problems socialising with other kids, and issues at school.
He was late to learn to talk and has always found it hard to cope in noisy environments. His dad and I knew there was something different about him and pushed for a referral, which took over a year.
Now we've been told he's definitely on the autistic spectrum. I can't fault the NHS or his school, which have both been really supportive.
But he doesn't know about his diagnosis, and I don't know how to explain it to him – or if I should.
I don't want him to think he's got something wrong with him or to believe that he'll never amount to anything. I also worry about how it might affect his
future
, and how other people will treat him.
I'd really appreciate some advice.
DEIDRE SAYS:
Your son is already aware he's different so it's a good idea to explain his condition to him. If you don't, he might worry more.
One way to make it simple is to say that people are like smartphones. One type isn't better than another – they just run on different systems and have their own special
features
.
So, for example, neurotypical people are iPhones and neurodiverse people, like him, are android phones.
Contact the National Autistic Society (
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- The Irish Sun
I'm feeling guilty about all the casual sex I've been having and worry my daughters will do the same
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Advertisement It wouldn't be wise to go storming in and would probably damage your relationship with your daughter. You're right in thinking you might spark a family feud if you voice your doubts again. You risk setting the couple against each other too, at a time when they need to be united for your granddaughter's sake. Your role is to support your family, not create conflict. WIFE HAS GONE OFF SEX DEAR DEIDRE: FEELING rejected by my wife is making me panic about erectile dysfunction. We're in our early 50s and have been married for 25 amazing years – I still fancy the pants off her. Sadly, she definitely wants mine to stay on. She's really gone off sex due to perimenopause. She's hot, tired, grumpy and rarely wants me anywhere near her. When we do have sex, it feels like it's out of duty, not lust. I'm scared she does it just to keep me happy for a week or two. And that fear is making my erections less reliable. Help. 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Every time I'd gathered the courage to tell my son the truth, a crisis would get in the way. I was ill, then we had to move house, then Covid. The years flew by. I'd resigned myself to breaking the news on my son's 18th birthday, but then my ex got back in touch out of the blue. He wants to see our son. I don't think I can deny him that. But we're in the middle of another crisis. My husband had an affair three years ago and I'm struggling to get over it. My son is already shaken by the bad atmosphere so I don't feel I can shake his world further. DEIDRE SAYS: It is good that you plan to tell your son about his biological dad as secrets do have a way of coming out. You can handle this in a way that minimises the stress on everyone. The first step is to sort things out with your husband. Counselling – ideally as a couple, but individually if necessary – is a good way to process issues like infidelity. It lets you work through all your feelings and then find a way to move past them. I realise you're finding it hard to forgive your husband but remember, forgiveness is something you do for you, not anyone else. It's not letting him off the hook, it's giving yourself permission to move forwards. When it comes to revealing the news to your son, you can find advice through Family Lives ( 0808 800 2222). Talking to him is going to be difficult, and only you can decide when the right time is. But impress upon him that your husband has always been there for him and loves him unconditionally.
The Irish Sun
3 days ago
- The Irish Sun
When I found myself caught up in a double life, you helped me find a way out
DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me untangle the double life that was destroying me bit by bit. When I first wrote to you, I was 45 and completely exhausted. I was juggling two lives – one with my girlfriend and our two young sons during the week and another with my wife and daughter every other weekend. Neither woman knew about the other. To outsiders, I seemed like a man with a demanding job in the city, balancing family and work. The truth was far messier. My wife, who I'd been married to for 15 years, came from a culture where divorce is heavily stigmatised. We hoped having a child would fix things between us, but it didn't. Years of unhappiness led me to take a job over 200 miles away. That's when I met my girlfriend online. She had everything that my marriage lacked – she was warm, funny, and kind. When she became pregnant, I made the choice to live with her. But I never properly ended my old life. I didn't know how to. By the time I reached out to you, I had two little boys I adored, a woman I loved, and a growing mountain of lies. My daughter, then nearly 10, was starting to ask questions. I barely slept. I was snapping at everyone and hated the man I'd become. You made it clear these secrets couldn't last forever and that my children deserved to hear the truth from me – not find it out in ways that would break their trust. You also reminded me that staying in a toxic marriage wasn't helping anyone. Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it You encouraged me to come clean with my wife and get support. I contacted a counsellor through Tavistock Relationships ( With your advice, I stopped spiralling. I found a way forward that considered everyone's wellbeing – not just my guilt. My wife and I began the process of separation and have now officially divorced. It was painful, but also freeing. Your support pack Worried About Mum and Dad helped me talk to my daughter and protect our relationship through the changes. After years of stress and deception, I finally feel like I've become the father and man I want to be – to all my children. I still have a long road ahead, but at least I'm no longer living a lie. Thank you. MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you reached out and shared your story. Living a double life can be incredibly stressful, but by opening up, you took the crucial first step toward honesty and healing. Your situation is one many people find themselves in, especially when cultural pressures make separation feel impossible. Keeping secrets often causes more harm than good, especially for children, who pick up on tensions even when adults try to hide them. By choosing to be honest and seeking support, you've given your children and yourself a chance at healthier, happier, more trusting relationships. Your story also highlights why it's so important to face difficult truths sooner rather than later. Avoiding the conversation might feel easier at the time, but it only prolongs the pain and uncertainty for everyone involved. Open communication, even when it's hard, lays the groundwork for healing and rebuilding trust within families and relationships. There is no perfect way to end something, but there is a responsible one, and you've now started down that path. Ask me and my counsellors anything Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day. Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features. Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week. Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago. The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes: Kate Taylor : a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books. Jane Allton : a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies. Catherine Thomas : with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues. Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and You can also send a private message on the
The Irish Sun
4 days ago
- The Irish Sun
Having affair drove me to mental breakdown but I fear I might end up having another one… this time with a man
DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING an extramarital affair – and the devastation it caused – drove me to a mental breakdown. So why am I flirting with another affair? I don't understand why I would play with this destructive behaviour again — especially as I know the fallout only too well. I'm 43, and married with two children. My wife is 40. Over the last few years, my marriage has been difficult. My wife and I have been arguing a lot, and our sex life has taken a dive. As a result, I found myself going online and looking at dating sites. I started chatting to a woman — and ended up meeting her for sex. I'd never been unfaithful to anyone before, and sneaking around and lying affected my mental health. I hated hurting my wife and started to question what sort of person I was. Eventually I confessed, which was awful. My wife became distraught and made me feel like a failure. I ended my affair but fell apart. I was unable to eat or sleep, and even felt suicidal. My wife said she still loved me, and wanted me to get better and for us to work. With help from my GP, and antidepressants, I started to feel better. My wife and I talked a lot, and we started having sex again — although it feels like we're going through the motions. But recently, I've started to fantasise about having sex with men, which I've never done before and don't understand why the idea of this arouses me so much. I can't tell my wife — she wouldn't understand. But I find myself looking at gay dating sites and checking out men in the street. I'm worried that I'm going to end up having another affair. Please help. Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating DEIDRE SAYS: It's encouraging that you recognise how dangerous your behaviour is. This is the first step to making real change. It sounds like you are questioning your identity. It's likely your new interest in having sex with men is also a part of this identity crisis. Please talk to your GP again. Although anti-depressants have helped your depression symptoms, you need help to get to the root of your unhappiness. Ask about counselling. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information about this. Your wife needs to know you're still unhappy. Ask for her support and think about couple's counselling, where you can discuss your marriage. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the You're Not Alone EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers. It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women. Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now. That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign. The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives. Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, Heads Together, HUMEN Mind, Papyrus, Samaritans, FEMALE BOSS IS PUSHING ME OUT OVER MENOPAUSE DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVE I'm being punished for telling my employer I'm going through the menopause. When I explained my symptoms were affecting my performance, I expected understanding and support. Instead, I've been sidelined and treated like a burden. I'm 47, and last year I started feeling off' I felt exhausted all the time, had headaches, joint pain and I couldn't concentrate. After a GP visit and various tests, I was told my symptoms were due to perimenopause. I decided to open up to my female boss, saying I was getting medical help but I needed her to know I was struggling. She wasn't understanding. And since then, I've felt she's trying to push me out. She's making me feel undermined and like I'm incompetent. I don't want to leave my job but I'm miserable, and losing all my confidence. DEIDRE SAYS: You're not alone. Research by the CIPD found two thirds of working women between 40 and 60 with menopausal symptoms said they had a negative impact on them at work. Naturally, you expected empathy. Instead, it sounds like she's discriminating against you. According to the Equality Act 2010, this could be against the law. Talk to your HR department and your trade union rep, if you have one. Contact ACAS, too, SHE'S SO YOUNG – DO I MAKE A MOVE? DEAR DEIDRE: MY feelings for my younger friend have turned sexual – but I'm scared to tell her. I fear she'll think I'm much too old for her, and then friendzone me. But I know we're perfect for each other. I'm 46 and she's 23. We're both single. We've been friends for six months, ever since meeting at a local book group. We share exactly the same interests and can talk for hours. We speak on the phone every day, and meet up for coffee. But lately I've realised I have romantic feelings for her. I think about her all the time, miss her when I'm not with her and when I'm in bed, I fantasise about her. I no longer just want to be friends and I know we'd have a brilliant relationship. However, I'm worried that if I tell her how I feel, she'll reject me – or worse, that it will ruin our friendship. DEIDRE SAYS: This is a tricky situation. You don't want to lose her friendship or to make her think your only interest in her is sexual. You're double her age and, despite your interests, have a very different amount of life experience, and a likely power imbalance. My support pack, Age Gaps – Do They Matter?, explains more. Age gap relationships sometimes work, but unless she's given you indication that she has romantic feelings too, I'd err on the side of caution. DO I TELL SON HE'S AUTISTIC? DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of noticing my son was different, he has finally been diagnosed with autism. I'm not sure how to tell him, as I'm worried he might not understand. Should I wait until he's older? My son is seven, and I'm his 42-year-old mum. He's a lovely, bright little boy but he's always had problems socialising with other kids, and issues at school. He was late to learn to talk and has always found it hard to cope in noisy environments. His dad and I knew there was something different about him and pushed for a referral, which took over a year. Now we've been told he's definitely on the autistic spectrum. I can't fault the NHS or his school, which have both been really supportive. But he doesn't know about his diagnosis, and I don't know how to explain it to him – or if I should. I don't want him to think he's got something wrong with him or to believe that he'll never amount to anything. I also worry about how it might affect his future , and how other people will treat him. I'd really appreciate some advice. DEIDRE SAYS: Your son is already aware he's different so it's a good idea to explain his condition to him. If you don't, he might worry more. One way to make it simple is to say that people are like smartphones. One type isn't better than another – they just run on different systems and have their own special features . So, for example, neurotypical people are iPhones and neurodiverse people, like him, are android phones. Contact the National Autistic Society (
