Lowering My Expectations On Mother's Day Was The Best Thing I've Ever Done
I'm the default brain in my family. The keeper of schedules and meal times and the rememberer of lost items, including car keys, socks and homework — so I know how heavy the mental load can feel. And I'm not the only one.
Research on parents' mental loads from the University of Bath in late 2024 found that 71% of mothers are the primary planners in their household. So if your overworked mom-brain is desperately looking for a break, it makes sense.
Of course, when I became a mother, I was aware there would be no true breaks or sick days — except for that one special day a year: Mother's Day. When I was pregnant with my son, visions of sleeping late, breakfast in bed and boxes of appreciative chocolates danced in my head. But, now that I am a mom, the reality is: Breakfast doesn't happen unless I am the one making it, and my dogs would never let me sleep in. Over the years, I've observed that this day really isn't all it's cracked up to be.
While well-intended, Mother's Day can bring on feelings of loss and intensify disappointment. It's these associations that can deflate your Mother's Day fast and make your day feel as special as unloading the dishwasher. A 2015 report from Edison Researchindicates that only 48% of mothers feel they have control over how they spend Mother's Day, and a YouGovsurvey reveals that 30% of mothers with adult children have felt let down.
Advocate for moms and mental load expert Paige Connell said that since mothers are often the 24/7 default magic makers, many moms hope for a little magic-making from their family on Mother's Day.
'This is the one day moms say, 'Today my family makes it magical for me,'' Connell said.
When expectations like these remain unseen or unmet, disappointment and hurt can set in. Mom is still making the magic happen — but for herself —and somehow, this doesn't feel all that magical.
'I think women just want similar effort put into them like they put into everyone else,' Connell said.
Megan B. Bartley, licensed therapist and founder of The Mindfulness Center, said that Mother's Day can be tricky depending on the value you place on the day.
Are you looking for a day with family, or would you rather spend the day alone? Would you prefer to plan your day or let your partner or BFF take over?
'It's good to really check in with yourself to ask what you want on that day,' said Bartley. Ultimately, it's your own expectations that influence whether your Mother's Day feels like an epic fail or the day you've been craving.
Scrolling through IG, I see all sorts of 'candid' Mother's Day posts showing me all the ways I'm missing out on handmade gifts from the fam or a spa day from a local business. My algorithm knows me well, but is this what's going to support me in feeling appreciated?
While social media and cultural norms can influence how we expect our Mother's Day to look, Connell said our preferences are often reflective of our family dynamic. For example, if your family makes big plans for holidays, you might expect a lavish gesture like a getaway or dinner party. Or if you're the mom carrying the mental (and laundry) loads in your household, it's common to view this day as a rare opportunity to take a break from being the decision-maker.
In a 2024 study by Gether, an AI-powered scheduling app for parents, moms spend an average of 520 hours per year managing the mental load of their family activities. That's 10 hours a week reminding partners to pick up kids from soccer, planning menus and performing backwards math for on-time bedtimes.
To this point, Connell emphasized that many women want this to be a day when they're not the person in charge and are not the default brain on duty.
'Moms want to show up to Mother's Day and not answer any questions,' Connell said. Relieving the mental load shows the mom in your life that you care for her in a love language she recognizes — and yup, gives her a rest.
Parenting is such a hard job, and a day for appreciating all of Mom's unseen work is absolutely deserved, Bartley said. However, if Mom is only feeling appreciated one day out of 365, hopes can skyrocket on Mother's Day, placing a heavy emotional weight on the day.
One way to lay the groundwork for success is to talk to your partner (or BFF) about your preferences — in advance.
While having a mind-reading partner would certainly be stellar when it comes to gift-giving and knowing where the milk is stashed (it's always in the fridge, people), many of them struggle with planning — especially if you're the person always juggling everything. Bartley encourages you to be honest with your crew, leave the mom guilt behind, and ask for that afternoon alone or for a big dinner out with family.
'It's really not helpful to think that your partner is going to read your mind,' said Bartley, who later added, 'It's wonderful for kids to see women be clear with their wants and needs.'
Connell also urges you to talk with your partner or friends and discuss expectations — let them know what matters to you most. It's OK to tell your partner: 'What I'm looking for is not to plan.'
And for partners (or family members) who find themselves in the unusual space of planning, Connell has some advice — starting with the fact that you do actually know your moms. Listen to them and notice what they like and what they might want. Go ahead and book that fav restaurant or give space to binge-watch a show.
If you're stuck, offer two options for the day instead of 20, Connell said. Even this seemingly tiny shift shows support and assists in making sure the mom in your life is feeling heard.
Over the years, my Mother's Day has been hit or miss. Now, 11 years into this whole motherhood thing, I understand my vision of the day doesn't always match my family's. One recent Mother's Day morning, I watched my husband and son hurriedly make cards while I made breakfast. My stomach sank into the eggs I was scrambling, and I felt like an afterthought.
I decided then and there that communicating my wants way before the day was better for everyone involved: 'Honey, I don't want to plan anything this Mother's Day, so can you organize meals and an afternoon movie for us?'
Now, I ask my husband a month in advance because I know his brain needs time to process and look at options. When I'm clear with my partner, he delivers, even though he may have to circle back with a couple of choices to make sure he's on the right track.
Connell said sometimes we don't want to communicate these wants because it feels messy and vulnerable, but having these open and honest conversations is key. This way, resentment doesn't fester. And Bartley said you can keep it light, and 'have a couple sentences that communicate your needs.'
Releasing my high expectations helped me see that my husband and son don't place the same value on this day — and that's OK. This knowledge gave me a lovely gift — the ability to focus on the appreciation and love that's already there.
'What I really hope for as Mother's Day evolves is that women no longer feel so much pressure on the day,' Connell said, 'because there are other moments they're celebrated throughout the year.'
Last-Minute Mother's Day Gifts To Trick Her Into Thinking You Planned Ahead
What I'm Giving Up This Mother's Day
On Mother's Day, These People Are Celebrating Their 'Chosen Moms'
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